Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

Yes I am a parent who isn’t raising a thief, actually. I’m so glad that you’re around saying “behaviour is communication” and excusing theft because a child is trying to “communicate” something. I bet your kids are a delight at school too.

for those claiming he isn't a thief. He is 8, within 18 months-ish he will be 10 and of age to be found criminally responsible.

this isn't something you play with or wait for them to grow out of, if he steals the wrong thing he'll end up with a record.

One of the top schools in the area …

I presume they didn’t steal at home or from shops but thought it hilarious to do it as a wind up at school. So not quite the same scenario as OP’sDS, but still theft.

I’m surprised at posts which think it’s ok for teen girls to take their sister or DM’s expensive cosmetics etc - I consider that theft. So it appears to go on quite a lot !

When your main caregiver loses control and is shouting and kicking things it’s abuse. If this happens often enough the child will be at significant risk of poor outcomes in terms of mental health and other things.

You are clearly not a child development expert. Are you even a parent? Any experience of working with children closely?

He is a child engaging in a behaviour. The behaviour involves taking things. You could call it stealing but the main question is ‘why?’. He was born doing this. So what is going wrong for him that he’s not yet learned not to.

What were you like at 8? Were you perfectly formed? No behaviours that needed guidance?

"son seem to have been troubled for some time ... concerned about your H's parenting so over protective of your son". He is 8 and needs protecting. The H is an adult putting vapes on beds when he "knows" the son takes/loses things and then kicks off when he could just have opened a new vape. I think the OP is probs trying her best. I think the H should not be putting vapes anywhere that a child could access. My father used to get angry when I was a child. It was scary. I read many books to escape in my mind. I hope OP finds a way through this and wish her well.

100% this. Lets stop making excuses for someone who should know better at his age.

OP, I suspect there is more to all this than, understandably, you have felt able to share on a public forum. I wonder how well your blended family works and if there are any issues re. how your husband divides his time and affection between your son and his older children. You seem to feel concerned about your husband's parenting, and that might be leading you to be protective and overly accommodating with your son. You are certainly not on the same page as your husband which, as you say, ends up with mixed messages. Your son seems to have been troubled for some time. Would family therapy or a parenting group be helpful? I found it really helpful to do the Webster-Stratton Incredible Years parenting course. It gave me time to reflect on my parenting and how it was affected by baggage from my own childhood. The local health visitors/ school nurse / GP could point you in the right direction. You originally asked what you should do now. Perhaps a serious conversation with your husband about why you reacted so strongly to his behaviour in the hotel room, why he got so angry and how you can pull together to provide your son with firm boundaries, love and support?

So someone who takes things that don't belong to them home from school and shops isn't a thief??

Any adult expressing disappointment or anger (even without shouting) is scary to a child....

Absolutely

So, if I am understanding correctly, your son is 8. He has a history of hiding things. Your H put his vape on a bed then started kicking off on the family holiday when a new vape was available to him. It sounds quite scary for the 8 year old (and the other children) tbh. If an 8 year old has a history of hiding things, I would not be placing a thing you value (your H's vape) on a bed easily accessible to the 8 year old. My child is now an adult with a successful job but was prone to losing things as a child. I could have accused them of hiding things but they was just losing them. I'm not saying it wasn't stressful when another school jumper went missing and I did have conversations with them. If I'm honest, I'd have been more worried that an adult parent didn't put a vape out of reach from a child who might mimic sucking on a vape at age 8. If the 8 year old is definitely hiding things, the answer is to try and figure out why in my view, not punish them. Hope you manage to resolve this for your family

I can’t believe the vitriolic language some people are using about and 8 year old here. He is a CHILD. Yes he needs help to learn that it’s not ok but taking things is a normal childhood behaviour and we need help to learn. This child has not had what he needs to learn yet. He is not a monster or a ‘thief’ he is a child that needs support to learn. The only monster here is the big scary man losing his shit in front of a child. It’s abuse.

When a parent loses their temper to the extent that they are scary it’s abuse. No ifs ands or buts. It’s abuse.

Kicking items in anger is not ok. He could have easily left the vape in the restaurant.

However it does sound like your son needs more help than what you both are giving him op and I do think that you need outside help. Maybe go back to the GP or talk with the school. The Hoarding and Stealing are signs that maybe he needs more help and support than just being told off. I would not be waiting for him to grow out of it eventually.

Also you and your dh need to be on the same page with this. Your dh laughing and joking about it is not helpful. I would not take the fact that he no longer does it at school or the shops as a sign that your techniques are working. You are burrowing your head in the sand op if you believe that and in the long run that is harmful to your son.

Because he owns a vape he vapes around the child?

Where has he bullied his THIEF son?

Do you think maybe your husband also lost his temper through frustration at you refusing to parent your child?
Your child is heading towards being one of those teenagers where the parents are dumbfounded at their behaviour and don’t understand what has gone wrong.

This sounds like he has hoarding tendencies, and might grow up to be a hoarder if he doesn't get some help. In tests, hoarders have been shown to have different brain activity when shown pictures of objects. What you wrote above is key info for your GP. I'm no doctor, but I'd imagine that therapy exercises might be to do with helping him get rid of things he doesn't need.

I do, when it’s done repeatedly despite the child having been told specifically not to do it. Your DC must have been at a terrible school if this was accepted as normal.

Why thank you

It's a case of the boy who cried wolf isn't it, of course he's going to be blamed if it's a regular ongoing behaviour. If he doesn't like being blamed for things going missing then he should stop stealing.

Well in the 'updates' he's laughing, and it's all his fault of course....

@Dramatic you certainly suit your username.

I didn't say that. I said in this case, the 8 year old may be innocent.

What about the father who thinks it's ok to ignore his child, shout and kick things?

If I’ve understood right, the child’s taking things and hiding them is laughed about by the father? In which case he is getting mixed messages. One time it makes dad laugh. The other times he loses his shit and is scary. The problem here is the grown man having a tantrum leading to a child feeling scared.

So you think an 8yo repeatedly stealing from home, school and shops is normal and shouldn't be reprimanded?