Husband shouted at child for hiding something.

The inconsistency in your husband's reaction to your son's stealing/hiding things is part of the problem. He's only bothered when it's his things that go missing, otherwise he finds it funny.

You say that your son may be attention seeking as his dad does't spend any time with him. Why doesn't your DH spend any time with his son? This definitely sounds like part of the problem. Your DH sounds like a bit of a dick tbh.

That is not what I have said.

So a late teen who steals, it’s because their parent has not yet shaped them not to?

What a lot of self-indulgent twaddle. Either the kid has major issues or he’s been majorly spoilt.

Ask stupid questions, you'll get a sarcastic response.

There is normal childhood behaviour and there's extreme behaviour that's beyond the norm. This childs behaviour is definitely beyond the realms of normal. My step daughter is 9, she lies a lot, lying is a normal childhood behaviour but her lies have got more frequent, more elaborate and are quite frankly dangerous, again it's out of the realms of normal childhood behaviour

This was a one off though, the dad is obviously not doing this all the time he's got to the end of his tether with it, everyone has a limit

I'm glad I know so few people IRL who think it's ok to let a child continually steal things because we might upset their feelings to call them what they are

I’m so glad I know few people in real life that communicate like you do.

I absolutely never advocate shouting at children however….everyone has a limit. Sometimes on holiday our emotions are heightened and to be fair, if my child was doing this, I’d probably have a breaking point too.

It’s not my place to tell you how to parent OP, god knows I’m nowhere near perfect, but have you put in some serious consequences for this stealing in the past? Sometimes it’s not enough to just wait for a child to grow out of something, they need to have a proper consequence and then they can make the choice if the action is worth the consequence.

I mean, you have someone who constantly takes and hides things, for years. Something is then taken and hidden.

Is your reaction genuinely going to be 'oh my gosh, who could have possibly done this? I have absolutely no frame of reference to make an educated guess! Complete mystery.'

Or would it be closer to 'Look Stealing McHiding Face, the vape is gone and your track record is doing you no favours. Where is it?'

I think I would be an excellent juror. Or judge. Or ruler of the world in general.

It is when they are 8. What 8 year old is perfect? Most kids have one or two difficult behaviours that need shaping at different stages. It’s the adults responsibility to work out how.

Well

You did ask...

We can't call a thief a thief in case it hurts their feelings

Got it

Thanks.

It is during toddler years before they understand mine and yours. This boy has not yet learned not to. The question the adults around him need to ask, because it is their responsibility to shape his behaviour, is why and what is needed.

Ah but that's not what you said initially

You said getting angry enough to be scary. But for a child even just a disappointed sigh can be scary...

You are incredibly rude. You are being judgemental about an 8 year old child yet feel totally ok with being rude and sarcastic. He’s 8. What’s your excuse?

So you've not found he's stolen from shop/school - he could have. But it doesn't make it any better than he now only steals from family and friends. It's still stealing

taking things is a normal childhood behaviour and we need help to learn

It really isn’t, and certainly not at age 8.

So your son steals things? What are the consequences for this? If he's 8 he must know it's wrong. Telling him he wouldn't be in trouble if he had is just condoning his behaviour.

I can understand why your DH is upset - yes he shouldn't have kicked stuff but you should have backed him up not pandered to you son who has form for being a thief

'Look, we have no way of knowing whether you committed this crime, but you've done things like this before and that's a good enough excuse to go through with this miscarriage of justice. It's your own fault really.'

I hope to God, @BeADinosaur, that you're never called up for jury service.

it’s not pejorative to call someone who steals a thief.

Sure.. i mean, it's pretty self explanatory, but if picking up a dictionary is beyond you.. here. the definition of a thief.

thief - thief (noun) · thieves (plural noun)
a person who steals another person's property, especially by stealth and without using force or threat of violence:

My DC do fine thanks. Have a good moral compass.

It’s not helpful to label a child in a pejorative way. It’s more helpful to understand what has gone wrong and what is needed. In this case parents that put boundaries in, in consistent ways and don’t get abusive.

Define ‘a thief’.

My point is that this is a child that needs support to learn. Not vilifying and an angry abusive man let off the hook.