To ask if people hate you because you’re “real?”

So you have no idea how to be tactful?

Which cultures are more direct? Can we have a list? And which cultures are more flowery?

But the ‘flowery’ version would mark you out as possibly insincere (and bluntly, as a bit weird) in more ‘direct’ cultures, rather than as demonstrating ‘respect and kindness’. Being asked to aside would not be regarded as something that required ‘respect and kindness’.

Scandis, too.

It can be cultural. It can be the difference between 'Move over there!' and 'Could I ask you to just move over there, please?'

Nothing wrong with the 'flowery' version. It means the same, gets the job done, but treats people with respect and kindness.

RhubarbieRhubarbie · Today 07:24

MissTrip82 · Yesterday 22:59
I’ve never met anyone like this who can remotely handle the same treatment dished back to them,

This.

100% my experience too. I knew someone at university like this. She would just 'tell it like it is', but we'd have to listen to hours of her raging about some innocuous comment someone else had made to her and which she had been offended by.

You also hear people say 'I'm very sensitive, me' but generally they are only sensitive (touchy) about their own feelings, not about other people's!

Are you diplomatic as well as honest?

Agreed

Also, some of the most self aware and sensitive people in the world are autistic. We need to stop pedalling this fallacy that there's 'one type' of autistic person.

There’s definitely a line between being honest and being unpleasant, and I always aim to stay on the side of honesty without crossing into cruelty.

Maybe you're not as pleasant as you think you are if you keep on upsetting people.

Its easy to get the idea that people want your opinion more often than they do.

In my experience of people say "what do you think?" About an outfit etc, really all they expect in reply is a brief, shallow pleasantry like "love it" or "you look fab". They don't actually want your opinion on the cut or colour.

If they do, they'll tend to ask that question differently and much more specifically. E.g."do you think the pink is ok? It comes in green as well do you think that would suit me better?".

A good tip is to match your answer to the question. If its an open generic "how do i look", the answer is probably an open generic "gorgeous darling". Let them prompt you if they actually wanted more of an opinion eg wait for them to ask "yes but what do you really think, is it too short" before giving a more specific opinion.

Be very careful not to confuse "telling the truth" with "giving your opinion". Most people don't really want your opinions on things a lot of the time.

This.

I think it depends. Are you British? I think that we (British) are "polite" but also we often prefer to avoid conflict. While this can be fine in day-to-day life to smooth things along, it can be a bad thing in more important scenarios (not being honest can lead to ghosting in friendships, marriage breakdown). Sometimes it is hard to judge. I have a really good friend and I appreciate her honesty - I know she's not being insincere, because she has a track record of telling it how it is. However, some people ask for advice wanting a specific answer, or shoot the messenger when you say something truthful but unwelcome. It's a bit of a minefield.

I would highly presume it's the second of those two given the context of the post. Clearly whatever OP is saying isn't going down well with those around her and I don't think she'd be getting that reaction with the former.

Being 'honest' and 'real' is a bit subjective, and in my experience it tends to mean saying what you like regardless of the impact on other people (and their 'reality'). I used to have a friend who would say 'Gently, I'd like to say....' and then went on to express some pretty ungentle opinions. Note the past tense.

OP - I'll give you an eg from long ago which has always stuck in my mind.

I was at a small-scale conference years ago at a stately home. After a very interesting presentation it was time for questions. A woman near me put up her hand and unsmilingly said 'Where did you get your information from?' I remember the atmosphere in the room froze and the poor lecturer went white.

As it turned out this rather socially inept person meant just that. But it came over really badly, as if she was about to lay into the lecturer.

What she could have said was 'That was a really interesting talk. I was wondering, with x or y, how you set about researching the subject?'

To be fair I suspect she may have been ND, but I've met people who aren't but who still don't understand the need for diplomacy. Empathy is a good start!

Could you please explain why saying 'a different cut might be more flattering' is rude?

(1) If a friend is showing you a picture in a magazine and wants to get that cut and asks your opinion and you say that, would it be rude?
(2) If a friend already has the cut and asks if you like it: I can understand how that might be rude, and that someone is asking for reassurance, so telling them the truth then is rude? (Great colour, cut doesn't suit you).

I’ve never met anyone like this who can remotely handle the same treatment dished back to them,

I’m with you on this, OP. People will often fail to acknowledge a difficulty for fear of causing offense/ getting into hot water. This can lead to many further problems.
Like you, I find it frustrating and much prefer to discuss difficulties in an open way, especially when there’s nothing really unpleasant involved.

I personally equate being real or genuine with people who “tell it like it is” about themselves rather than others - as in they are self aware and share the less polished side of themselves - those to me are people who are “real.”

Yes exactly this. Being genuine is about being unafraid to be who you are, to be unapologetic about your talents and struggles and pleasures. Not to go round thoughtlessly making people feel like shit.

I dont think it is rude to be direct. It can be a cover for being an ass, but I also think there are a lot of people who will smile to your face and gossip about you behind your back. And many of them will find you challenging to be around if you are not like them.

I think people who "don't sugarcoat things" don't think about, or don't care about, the feelings of the person who they are speaking too. Most people do care about other people, so if you give the impression that you don't care, the probably won't warm to you.

“Telling it like it is”, usually means tactless. It’s possible to deliver “truth” without being a bull in a china shop.

The tell it like it is brigade also tend to good at giving it out but not so great at receiving it.

Haven't read the thread, but feel pretty certain you are often rude

It’s about emotional intelligence isn’t it?

There can be situations in which being direct is required.l, for example at work or if someone you care about will suffer some form of “harm” due to you not being honest.

But - if you are finding people consistently don’t like you, then the common factor. to be “real”, is you:

As an aside - I personally equate being real or genuine with people who “tell it like it is” about themselves rather than others - as in they are self aware and share the less polished side of themselves - those to me are people who are “real.”