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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum and sister bitching about me

63 replies

Jeansontoast · 21/10/2024 18:24

I really need some perspective. As I feel hurt by the words of my mum and sister but I don't know how to act on what I've been told.

So I've always thought my mum and sister discuss me behind my back, on occasion, being a bit bitchy. Well long story short I have seen some messages on my mums phone from their WhatsApp conversations. Basically slagging me off, saying things like how I post cringey stuff on Instagram (I really don't think I do, but that is subjective, I suppose), how I have too much time on my hands, and conversations between them where my mum is playing the victim to my sister in arguements I've had with her.

A bit of history, as alone, this might not seem too much of a big deal. But the past year, especially while I've been pregnant my mum has become very bitchy about my partner and my choices to my face. When I was having doubts in pregnancy she made me feel terrible for contemplating an abortion and walked out on me in a cafe, despite me being pretty vulnerable and crying on the phone to her the day before.

She has recently had an arguement with my 12 year old daughter... where she called her a bitch and a little shit. Saying she hates how she turned out. This was triggered by my daughter asking her to tidy up, when my mum created an awful mess.

So hearing of these messages between her and my sister, is just another thing that is really making question my relationship with the both of them. And what I should do next. Any advice?

BTW, I didn't go looking for these messages. Someone else went through her phone and then thought to tell me about what was said on WhatsApp.

OP posts:

CharlotteLucas3 · 21/10/2024 21:24

Don't confront her op - she's not capable of changing. Just watch lots of Dr Ramani videos and read Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride. Get to know what you're dealing with.

It sounds like you're the family scapegoat and your DSis is the golden child. My DSis is the scapegoat and I can tell you that my mother doesn't love her - that much is very obvious. She's NC so now a lot of mother's rage is directed at me.

If it was just you, you could maybe grey rock but because your DD is involved there's no way you can remain in contact because you cannot control their interactions.

Bakingandcrying · 21/10/2024 21:04

Sorry OP, this sounds like such a mess. I agree with others that I would’ve cut contact after she spoke to DD like that, but it’s not always easy.

I would really think about what you’d lose without her in your life, not a lot I imagine. You mention her mortality but for all you know you could die before her, life is too short to tolerate this shit, especially from “family”.

her and your sister sound vile. Move on and don’t look back, you’ve got a DD watching you and you don’t want her to grow up accepting this crap

good luck xx

Original poster

Jeansontoast · 21/10/2024 20:59

TangerinePlate · 21/10/2024 20:54

Look at your posts OP.

You’re letting your mother verbally abuse your DD when you should rip her a new one.

You’re scared of feeling guilty when your mother dies.She could drop dead tomorrow or live another 20 years.

Imagine 20 years of misery and abuse directed at you and your daughter because “she’s your mum”

She gave birth to you but it doesn’t give her carte blanche to treat you and your daughter the way she does.

Look up FOG (fear,obligation,guilt). There’s an excellent thread on Relationships called Stately Homes- it’s for people with dysfunctional families/parents.

You’re stuck in very toxic dynamic where your sister is golden child and you (and by extension your poor DD) are a scapegoat.

Get yourself some counselling and quit this games your mother and sister are playing otherwise your DD will pay the price in the future.

No loving parent treats their family the way your mother does

Thank you for this, I will definitely look into the references!

OP posts:

Original poster

Jeansontoast · 21/10/2024 20:56

Ferryacrossthemersey77 · 21/10/2024 20:49

Op this would be a big deal, even without your mum being so vile to your dd. Your mum gossiping about you spitefully to your sister breaks all decent parenting rules. This is really toxic behaviour.

I would subtlety block them like a pp suggests and totally lock down your sm communications.

It’s hard to see the wood for the trees when you are in the middle of a forest but your mum is abusive and it’s hard to reconcile with the person she ought to be.

Hold your head up high and put a huge distance between you and eventually move away if you can. Maybe get some counselling to strengthen your boundaries.

Do you have other rl friends and family for support?

I have friends and my dad, thankfully!

I have now blocked her on social media and recently have moved further away from the city in which she lives. I have confronted her a lot recently about her behaviour, as it'd definitely escalated this past year. I thought she was being better for a time, but now she seems to have targeted my daughter and remains nasty behind my back.

Thank you for the advice!

OP posts:

Conniebygaslight · 21/10/2024 20:55

I wouldn’t have any contact with anyone who called my child a bitch or a little shit. Absolutely no way.