AIBU or is my partners ex

Can’t believe the number of people on here who are absolutely flummoxed by the problem. If I was the OP I’d have lost my mind by now explaining again and again!

The child coming in one set of clothes and going home in another set of clothes is not a solution!! It’s not a direct swap of clothes going on. Because the OP would have to return the child wearing new clean dry clothes (bought for by them) AND a bag with the dirty clothes she arrived in the day before (bought by the mother).

Come on people!! It’s not a riddle.

I send in clothes...and ex sends back in clothes. No bag given.
I wash the clothes they return home in and put aside....then they wear them back to ex the next time.
It means that now it's only ex's clothes going back and fore for the kids.

Just start and don't get into convo with ex about it. She can choose the first time to send child back in mums outfit or dad's outfit she want home in. Simple

This…Can the Mum not just send two outfits to begin with and it gives a week for you to wash them and return them and wash the next dirty set?

Because if OP had 5 t-shirts in her house that are used one a fortnight, in 10 weeks time OP would be having to buy more t-shirts!

OP says they've got clothes for her, but it's not an infinite pile of clothes that they can effectively gift to the ex one outfit per visit.

Something tells me if they just kept and didn't return the clothes the SD turns up in there will be hell to pay, yet she'll happily keep anything that they send her home in.

I'd be replying with a simple "Timing wise this isn't possible. We can either return the clothes from Saturday worn, or will wash them during the week and return them next weekend."

If she has a problem with either of these options, she's really, really silly.

The unnecessarily antagonistic, snipey tone of some of the comments you have received here OP is the reason I would never post an AIBU! To focus on your agreed term of bonus child or suggest a 5 year old doesn't get dirty shows complete ignorance of anything outside the commentors own small world. We have exactly the same issue here but no baby to consider and we do have a drier. Added to this the clothes coming to us were horrible material or excessively used 2nd hand items and the new outfits or really lovely hand me downs were never seen again!! You do not have to comply with her wishes - a court will always promote a child centric approach. Send the clothes back dirty if it isn't possible to keep them clean and insist she is sent in clothing appropriate to the weather.

most parents co parent these days with having child so many days each week. Maybe your solicitor could get this actioned. Defo change her clothes on arrival and then no issue she can wear them back home.

I’d wash then and then put them in a carrier bag wet for her to take home. Mum will soon realise what a stupid idea it is!

Why do you have to refer to her as yours in any form? Why not just say she is Dave's daughter?

As for the clothes issue, meh. Just send it back unwashed. There's nothing mum can do about it. When contact time is longer, there will be time to do washing.

Sending the DD back in 'OP's' clothes one week and then return the mother's clothes the week after only works if the mother plays fair, but it doesn't sound like she does. So OP and her DP send daughter home in nice clothes, a warm jumper and coat, and the next time DD comes back to them she's in a t shirt and thin trousers, so OP and DP dress her in warm clothes again (buying them if they have to), she goes back to mum's in them, rinse and repeat. It would be a haemorrhaging of clothes to mum's and the DD doesn't even get to wear them again.

Exes - even female ones - can be spiteful and it sounds very much like that's what the mum is doing. Logging a false police report doesn't sound like she has any interest in coparenting for the benefit of the DD. We don't know the reason for their split but whatever it was she's out for revenge and doesn't care how she gets it.

Change her into the clothes you have at your house as soon as she gets there and put the original clothes back on her just before she goes home

So this sounds awfully familiar to my situation as a child. This sounds odd but may save you a tonne of work. Can the child change into (your) clothes when they arrive at your house. Even having a bag of clothes in the car for the child to change into if you are on route to somewhere. Then on Sunday pop (ex's) clothes on to go home in .That way whatever you get up to no washing is required. Just be really wary of ex she sounds dangerous.

Sorry you're getting a load of flack for "bonus child", OP. I think it's a lovely, positive phrase.

Re the clothes - as others have said, as soon as she arrives, whip her out of the clothes she's wearing and put on the clothes she has at your house. Just before she leaves, change her back. Saves a lot of argy-bargy with the ex, and saves you rushing laundry.

@KhakiShaker
If the mum has the child for the rest of the 13 nights per fortnight then she is already doing far more than her share of pick ups and collections.
Your comment doesn't really make sense.

Yes mums or 'people like me' can complain about dads not doing their equal share and then also think that the mum should not have to do drops off to his house because the mum sharing those makes it less equal again, not more equal.

Hi , when child arrives, take clothes off , replace with what is already at yours , when ready to go home , put clothes back on she arrived in , simple .

Why can't she change when she gets to your home and then put the "mum" clothes back on when she goes home?

A bit of a faff but definitely worth it to avoid stress. And yes, this is on Dad to sort, not you.

Yeah don’t it’s a bloody awful term to use!

At this time of year I think dad should be making sure she has a coat when picking her up. In fact, if she's not being sent with an overnight bag, it will be immediately obvious that she hasn't got one.

i’m with PP’s just change her when she gets to yours, then she can be as messy as she likes, don’t wash the clothes if it’s not possible in the time. Buy cheap multipacks of pants and socks, put a clean pair of pants and socks on together with the unwashed outer clothes send her home with the used pants and socks in a little bag if mum insists on having the same ones back otherwise wash them ready for the next visit.

@TheSunnyLemonShark you could always, dress her in the clothes yuu have as soon as she arrives and then put her in the clothes on the Sunday. Then no need to wash, it is completely unreasonable to not send her with a bag of stuff if ex is unwilling to send back clothes fron your house.

I see this a lot on American sites: also "Bonus Mom", etc.

Oh please. It’s people like you who complain about dads not doing their equal share , yet don’t think the mum should do her equal share of pick ups and drop offs? And this is despite it being the mum who moved away!

In my experience the court won’t look down on dad for wanting to share travel. It’s costly and means quality time will be spent travelling when he has precious little as it is. Handover time is handover time regardless of who picks up, so dad doing it is not giving him any extra time with his daughter. Many mums make false allegations to get legal aid and weaponise their child against their ex by withholding contact, but this is MN where all women are saints and all dads are deadbeat.

@TheSunnyLemonShark I get the frustration with the coat, which many PP seem to be ignoring. We have the same thing and I haven’t worked out how to fix it. The only thing you can do is get dad to make sure his daughter has the coat upon pick up. I’m sure the ex will make it difficult but if she is regularly sending her child without a coat in winter then that is something to raise in court. I agree with a PP that ex is doing this right before court hearing in order to get a reaction out of dad that she can use against him. That’s a common tactic with these sort of women. Don’t rise to it. Just send her home in whatever clothes and don’t worry about returning clothes to the ex. Ignore her messages about this.

Ive just supported my partner through family court with a batshit ex, so if you want any support or just a rant then feel free to message me x

Is the father stressing as much about how to best organise his child's clothing?

The child agreed to it as she doesn't like step mum/daughter. Wtf is the issue?

I think you sound lovely OP & obviously care about your BC alot ❤️

Bonus child. That's fucking awful.

This 100% sounds like my ex partner with our little boy, I’m still packing clothes over a year down the line, but he’s at least feeding him (well his parents are feeding him) without me sending food now and he has some toys there 🙃