Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend in trouble, police at my door.

289 replies

Playgroundincident · 21/10/2024 11:12

My friends daughter is in year five mine is in year 4. My friend is an black, Muslim Zimbabwean woman daughter is also. Daughter has been receiving snipey racist abuse from a child in her class. Always where teachers can't hear and it's been going on for a couple of weeks. Daughter is a wonderful, sociable intelligent sporty kid an absolute pleasure to be around. Friend had been in to school at the beans thought it had been addressed however over the weekend it emerged that it hasn't and the child is still doing it, daughter hadn't said anything to her mum.
My friend was so upset, we walked in he dropped the kids off his morning, she said goodbye to he daughter then we watched the kids line up to go in. My friend and I stood in another part of the playground till she saw the boy who had been racist towards her daughter. She flew at him shouting all sorts of profanities, told him she was going to hit him, fucking kill him. The child was understandably frightened and the dad of another child stepped in and tried to calm the situation down. I grabbed her and took her out of the playground so the teachers could deal with the child. I've never seen he do this before she is not normally this way inclined but has a shit year with a husband who thinks she is there to serve him, left her for another woman, both parents died so her threshold is low at the moment. I sat with her in the car to calm her down. I told her I can't imagine how she is feeling he daughter being racially abused, told her I understood that she wanted to protect her but threatening to kill a 10 year old was not on. She's now annoyed at me asI didn't stick up for her.
An hour later the police have turned up at my door looking for her asking had I seen her, getting a witness statement because school have reported her. Friend has phoned me saying that she knows it was me who told the police and how she thought I would have her back and the year 4/5 WhatsApp has lit up with comments about how I should have done something slagging my friend and me off. For the record I don't agree with what she did but I've now got her and police to deal with. and now he child who made the racist comments mum threatening me. He whole thins is absolutely zero to do with me. I feel sorry for the children but any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated. Not sure whether to go for radio silence with everyone but police and school or say something on WhatsApp. My son is in he school and I don't want any fall out on him or my friends daughter either. Any suggestions appreciated.

OP posts:
ChristmasisinManchester · 21/10/2024 12:59

WillowTit · 21/10/2024 12:58

how bizarre
the police came
they came to your door?
very unusual

She threatened to kill a child.

i had a family member who had police involvement after she rough handled a child bully.

ChristmasisinManchester · 21/10/2024 12:58

Personally I would send a message directly to friend and the group chat

”I’ve not reported anything to the police.
We all want to stick up for our own kids and I support X in keeping her daughter safe from bullies”

and I would message your friend and say “- I promise I’ve not said anything, let’s talk about this in person don’t want to write stuff down”

in person you can reiterate that it’s shit to threaten 10 year olds but that Y is a bully and you support her and you don’t blame her after all the stress she’s under. You can then say how it’s much more likely threat came from school or Ys parents.

WillowTit · 21/10/2024 12:58

how bizarre
the police came
they came to your door?
very unusual

FrequentNameChanger2024 · 21/10/2024 12:57

ThePoshUns · 21/10/2024 12:54

@FrequentNameChanger2024
It's could have or should have hth

🤣🤣🤣

FrequentNameChanger2024 · 21/10/2024 12:56

GillBeck · 21/10/2024 12:54

So you disagree with her behaviour but do not think she should have to take responsibility for her actions, to the extent that you think witnesses should withhold their evidence?

Show quote history

Again, that's not what I said is it? Are you going to keep doing this?

ThePoshUns · 21/10/2024 12:54

@FrequentNameChanger2024
It's could have or should have hth

CustardCreams2 · 21/10/2024 12:54

There is no excuse for an adult threatening and intimidating a child on school grounds. Threatening to kill him and swearing at him can never be condoned under any circumstance. I would advise you to step away from this “friend.” The boy might have been vile but this is an entirely different matter now. Don’t get involved.

Faldodiddledee · 21/10/2024 12:54

I would keep as far far out of this as possible.

You are not responsible for your friend, or for the bullying, or for the police turning up at your door.

You also may not know the whole story about your friend, what action the school has taken, what the child said had happened or any of it.

Great advice above on how to shut down the Whatsapp, the other mum and I would let you know that you did not call the police yourself, but when they turned up on your doorstep you gave a statement.

I have felt like attacking the mum of my child's bully, I imagined doing exactly that, but bullying and racial bullying unfortunately is very common, like happening most days in schools, and you can't have parents taking it into their own hands in the playground. My other child also had racial bullying but the school did work to stop that quite proactively.

OP, you have done nothing wrong and if anything, they should all be apologising to you for dragging you into it. I would not want to be in the middle of this.

GillBeck · 21/10/2024 12:54

FrequentNameChanger2024 · 21/10/2024 12:49

This is the issue with mumsnet isnt it,

Me saying her friend shouldnt of behaved like that is now apparently me condoning abusing a child?

Why have you tried to gas light me like that when we can both clearly see what I've wrote?

People like you really wind me up on here, we can all see what I wrote in black and white 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Edited to add: just makes you look foolish doesnt it. Pretend ding someone has said somthing so you can go on a moral rant? I dread to think what your like in day to day verbal conversations if this is what you do to people in written conversations

Edited
Show quote history

So you disagree with her behaviour but do not think she should have to take responsibility for her actions, to the extent that you think witnesses should withhold their evidence?

Balloonhearts · 21/10/2024 12:53

Honestly I'm glad the boy was frightened. Racism and bullying is unacceptable and if he carries on then one day someone will go for him and he'll end up badly hurt. If she scared him straight, good.

I'd put a message on the group saying 'Don't blame me for the actions of another adult. I was not anywhere nearby at the time, intervened as soon as possible, unlike the rest of you and I am nobodies keeper.

Xs behaviour is not my responsibility; while I do not condone her actions, I do understand them. The boy has been racially abusing her daughter for weeks, the school have not stopped him and neither have his parents. If you want someone to blame, how about the boys mother since it's her badly brought up child who caused the problem.'

That would be my response but then I'm not one for not sticking up for myself. I would also point out that you did not call the police, the school did since it happened on school grounds.

tiktokoclock · 21/10/2024 12:53

ElaborateCushion · 21/10/2024 12:01

I'd be adding a simple statement to the Whatsapp group:

"I was as surprised as the rest of you when this happened. I helped remove her from the situation to de-escalate it, so I'm not sure why I'm getting grief for it. She and her daughter have been going through a torrid time this year and clearly she went too far, but none of this is my responsibility. I have been threatened and bullied for simply being friends with her. I will not hesitate to report any further harassment of me or anyone to the police."

As PP have said, the Whatsapp group seems to thrive on drama and gossip.

It wasn't the right way about it, but I really hope the little shit she shouted at has had a bit of a lesson in not being a racist little git.

Show quote history

I would put this message (as above). I would maybe alter it to read, "She and her daughter have been going through a horrendous time this year, and the child has been racially abused in the school. Clearly, mum went too far... etc etc"

To the boy's mum I would say, "I am not involved in this incident, except as a witness. Your contact is not warranted, and your messages will be forwarded to the police." Then nothing more.

FrequentNameChanger2024 · 21/10/2024 12:49

GillBeck · 21/10/2024 12:44

You condone adults threatening ten year olds in the school playground? Bearing in mind it would not just be that child present but a number of children including much younger ones who have no idea of the context and see a very frightening situation of an adult shouting, swearing and threatening a child.

OP did absolutely the right thing to give a statement to the police.

Show quote history

This is the issue with mumsnet isnt it,

Me saying her friend shouldnt of behaved like that is now apparently me condoning abusing a child?

Why have you tried to gas light me like that when we can both clearly see what I've wrote?

People like you really wind me up on here, we can all see what I wrote in black and white 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Edited to add: just makes you look foolish doesnt it. Pretend ding someone has said somthing so you can go on a moral rant? I dread to think what your like in day to day verbal conversations if this is what you do to people in written conversations

GillBeck · 21/10/2024 12:48

In terms of the racial abuse - only the friend’s child can testify to this. For everyone else it is hearsay.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 21/10/2024 12:48

I would take screenshots of any abuse directed at you on the WA group

Post a message in the group: I am not responsible for the actions of another parent. Nor am I responsible for the racial abuse directed at a child within our school community which will also be reported. Please stop directing comments at me. Any further comments about it on this group will be reported to the police or school as appropriate.

Message to friend
Friend, it was not me that reported to the police, it was the school. I will step back from this situation now, as you are clearly aggravated by me somehow, despite me trying to help as best I could. Let me know if you want to talk about things later on. I hope you are ok.

Message to the mum of the boy in playground.

I have nothing to do with this situation other than helping police with any information I can give. So please stop messaging me about it. You need to speak to the school or police if you want to discuss further. I am blocking your number now.

I hope you will tell the police and school everything about the racial abuse too. While the mother’s behaviour is totally wrong I can’t believe the school just ignored it.

GillBeck · 21/10/2024 12:44

FrequentNameChanger2024 · 21/10/2024 12:37

Said no? You don't have to give a statement to the police. Does she think making a statement confirming her friends behaviour was going to help her friend? Plus telling police she didnt agree with her friend.

Which I get, her friend shouldnt of behaved like that. But she could and should of said no to the police in my eyes

Show quote history

You condone adults threatening ten year olds in the school playground? Bearing in mind it would not just be that child present but a number of children including much younger ones who have no idea of the context and see a very frightening situation of an adult shouting, swearing and threatening a child.

OP did absolutely the right thing to give a statement to the police.

ThePoshUns · 21/10/2024 12:42

Exactly what @MiraculousLadybug said up thread would be my approach.

Bbbhhhvfbxb · 21/10/2024 12:40

Short statement to WhatsApp that it happened in another part of the playground and you could not have known it was going to happen. Do not wish to comment further and troubled xx was said. Maybe remove from or mute group.

with the police statement make it clear the racist abuse and lack of action.

Write to your friend and say the first you knew re the the police was when they turned up on your doorstep. Write it so if she spreads a rumor you called them you can screen grab this.

MsNeis · 21/10/2024 12:39

easylikeasundaymorn · 21/10/2024 11:35

That sounds horrendous. I'm struggling to see what else you could possibly have done.

Little to add than what has already been suggested other than to do whatever you need to do ONCE and then don't engage further.

Send friend one message saying you didn't report it to the police (she is being a bit ridiculous to assume you did, surely it is obvious that it is far more likely to have been the dad who stopped her, the parents of the child or the school who would have done this, why on earth would she jump straight to blaming you?). Maybe reiterate what you said in the car -you understand how horrible it is but threatening a child is also inappropriate. Then mute her for a while. You deserve an apology from her tbh.

With the whatsapp/mum again maybe make ONE post saying "I had no idea what x was going to do, as soon as I realised she had ran over to your child I went to stop her, helped pull her away and took her outside. I have made it clear to both her and the police that I do not condone her actions. I have no idea why you could possibly think this is my fault or what more I could have done. I understand its been reported to the police so the whole situation is for them and the school to sort out, its nothing to do with me. Then again mute the group.

If you have a different friend within the class maybe tell them you won't be on the WhatsApp group for a while, if there is anything you need to know (e.g. emergency school closure) please can they tell you but you don't want to be updated on any drama/gossip about the incident.

If the child's mum has actually specifically threatened you then report that to the police.

Edited

This is great advise, OP.
I'm sorry you found yourself in the middle of an awful situation that has nothing to do with you. 🙏

FrequentNameChanger2024 · 21/10/2024 12:37

Surprise50 · 21/10/2024 12:26

The police came to her house asking for a statement 😵‍💫 what else should she have done? 😵‍💫

Show quote history

Said no? You don't have to give a statement to the police. Does she think making a statement confirming her friends behaviour was going to help her friend? Plus telling police she didnt agree with her friend.

Which I get, her friend shouldnt of behaved like that. But she could and should of said no to the police in my eyes

dreamer24 · 21/10/2024 12:37

Surprise50 · 21/10/2024 11:56

That’s awful OP. Ignore those saying you should have stepped in sooner - they’re clearly delusional and not reading your updates.

In the WhatsApp group “Stop blaming me/my child for someone else’s behaviour and actions, I am not responsible for them. X and her child have suffered racial abuse for a while now, this is not acceptable and will be reported” then leave the group. Contact school and police and report the racial abuse. Then leave them all to sort it out.

Absolutely this!

I can't believe anyone remotely thinks any of this is your fault, OP. You did your best at the time, you are NOT responsible for what another adult chooses to do.

Hope you are ok, it all sounds very stressful.

Namechange10101010 · 21/10/2024 12:35

easylikeasundaymorn · 21/10/2024 11:35

That sounds horrendous. I'm struggling to see what else you could possibly have done.

Little to add than what has already been suggested other than to do whatever you need to do ONCE and then don't engage further.

Send friend one message saying you didn't report it to the police (she is being a bit ridiculous to assume you did, surely it is obvious that it is far more likely to have been the dad who stopped her, the parents of the child or the school who would have done this, why on earth would she jump straight to blaming you?). Maybe reiterate what you said in the car -you understand how horrible it is but threatening a child is also inappropriate. Then mute her for a while. You deserve an apology from her tbh.

With the whatsapp/mum again maybe make ONE post saying "I had no idea what x was going to do, as soon as I realised she had ran over to your child I went to stop her, helped pull her away and took her outside. I have made it clear to both her and the police that I do not condone her actions. I have no idea why you could possibly think this is my fault or what more I could have done. I understand its been reported to the police so the whole situation is for them and the school to sort out, its nothing to do with me. Then again mute the group.

If you have a different friend within the class maybe tell them you won't be on the WhatsApp group for a while, if there is anything you need to know (e.g. emergency school closure) please can they tell you but you don't want to be updated on any drama/gossip about the incident.

If the child's mum has actually specifically threatened you then report that to the police.

Edited

I agree with this, but would at the end of the WhatsApp message I would add something asking WTF the outrage and support was when friends daughter was being racially abused?

Todaywasbetter · 21/10/2024 12:35

This is what happens when a school doesn’t get its act together. It’s awful. You’ve been given some good advice up thread.

Greentreesandbushes · 21/10/2024 12:33

I would respond to your friend, simply saying that it wasn’t you that contacted the police and that you are not willing to discuss it further. The police need to be respond, might be a caution but might not be.

The school need to deal with the rest. Don’t get involved. Mute the group

SJM1988 · 21/10/2024 12:33

I'd be very clear with your friend that it was the police that turned up on your doorstep not that you reported anything to them. You provided a statement as requested (as you obviously you would so you would get in any trouble with the police). Personally I would cut the friendship from here after her behaviour to the 10 year old (no matter the reason its not acceptable) and her ability to so easily blame you.

Be clear to the WhatsApp group that you had no idea what she was going to do and just removed her from the situation. You are not responsible for someone else's actions. And the police are involved so you can no longer comment on the situation. Advice the school of the whatsapp group comments so they can monitor if anything is said between children at school. Mute the group.

Report the child's mum who is threating you to the police and do not engage with her.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 21/10/2024 12:30

year 4/5 WhatsApp has lit up with comments about how I should have done something slagging my friend and me off.

I'd put a comment - "I had police turn up at my door as school reported incident this morning. Police asked for a witness statement which I gave - telling the truth of what I saw. The events are being investigated by the police so I can comment no further. I have screen shotted these comments and sent them to the school and police so they are aware of them."

Then take screen shot send to police and school and leave the group.