AIBU MiL want to move closer

How old are your kids OP?
(sorry if i've missed that)

Agree 100%.

She's not mentioned it to you - slight game playing here i think.

You could be slightly canny back and when the time feels right say lightly but sort of meaningfully to MIL ''DH and i have been discussing you thinking of moving here .... !''.

The revealing of the fact that DH has told you about it, and the fact that the pair of you have talked about it will send a subtle message.

You can then go to talk with concern about why she's uprooting from her friends and health network. And about the various genuine issues you see with her moving to that area without a car - the need for transport, the price of taxis, ect.

I wouldn't at this point say anything about who's doing what at weekends ect. I'd just sow the seed that at this point it doesn't feel a sensible idea.

(if it was me and it was at all the case i'd have to sneak in a hint about how we might not be living there forever ...)

She is going to find it very lonely living in a place with poor transport links, away from her friends, where she has to take a taxi to get anywhere. With you and your DH working full time I'd discourage her moving just based on that alone.

I don't think that you are being unreasonable to say to your husband that there isn't room in your life to be a carer or taxi service for your Mil. I do think that you need to be a bit careful not to ummm "suggest"? "project"? "model?" the sentiment "I don't like your mother and I don't want her near us" I do agree with @mummabubs and @ExcludedatfiveFML that you do need to have a conversation directly with your Mil but to try and frame it as a friendly expression of concern rather than starting a war.

I think I'd be making a list for DH with all pertinent points, eg

• MiL won't be near transport/shopping hubs
• Taxis everywhere would be expensive
• She will have no friends nearby and potentially not near hobby/meet up places where she could make new friends - she'll be lonely
• You will be too busy looking after your kids/parents/household/working to be able to find additional time to look after MiL's needs (you need downtime too)
• It is his responsibility to look after his DM, but you don't want him to become her emotional crutch or neglect his own family to be her taxi/maintenance man etc

There will be loads more to add. I'd also include what would be more practical if she's intent on moving, that you feel would work for you as a family.

I find it sad that some people - often women - get to a position where they're still relatively young but have no experience/confidence for doing even the simplest of tasks such as looking up train times. Technology has been around for decades now and it shouldn't be alien to someone under 65. Even my DM, who is 88 and was a complete technophobe, has learned how to do basic things on a tablet since being widowed a few years ago.

Also factor in even if you put your foot down and refuse to become chief taxi driver, your DH will be guilt tripped into it.

Soon your DH will be using up half his annual leave and weekends ferrying her around which also has a huge detrimental impact on your family time.

My widowed non-driving MIL is in a care home now but her constant demands of DH before that became unbearable and despite initially refusing to be her free on call taxi, I did end up having to do it as my DH was never getting a break. It became the most stressful soul destroying time of our whole marriage.

I think you are being not only reasonable but practical. MIL being nearer maybe, not somewhere where she could live without a car. Sad to think of someone in their sixties being so negative in a way.

Sorry to hear about your DM.

*So yet another "we do it for my parents but how dare my in laws want the same" post.

Really, just remember, you'll be a MIL one day.*

This

Posters on MN are so harsh about their MILs

She can move where she likes

I think there's quite a lot here. Personally, the next time you DO see her, I'd address some of your concerns, "MIL, DH tells me you're thinking of moving closer to us? It would be lovely to have you nearer for the DGC but what about your friends and your life/ Andyou know how crazy it is with young kids so it's not like we could spend eevry weekend driving you around..." etc

As someone whose MIL has moved closer, and whose DH really does try, I can tell you that even in the relatively good situation we have, it's hard. She can be quite helpless and frail and part of me absolutely loves that DH is stepping up to help her. But sometimes I also get really frustrated. We had a discussion minor argument about this just last week. He hadn't seen her much the week before so was feeling guilty. As a result, we were on something like the 8th consecutive day of him going over to hers for a bit after work. He was leaving in time to fetch kids/activities etc... but of course, he just completely ignored the fact that those 90-120 minutes a day was time that he would usually use to do at least one chore and it was all being done by me instead as a result. It's like the magic fairy who steps in and does his share of the shopping, cleaning, washing, dog walking etc....

To be fair, he realised and apologised instantly. But it makes me so frustrated becuase I have to raise it.

My point is that it's always a tightrope, even when no one is purposefully taking the piss, so I don't blame you for being concerned. I do think you have ot be very clear about where you draw the line. Right up front I said to DH that of course I understood he needs to help her, but that he needs to remember that doing that means I am often the one stepping into the gap here and that there's a fine line between helping out and me starting to get seriously pissed off (or the children being neglected - we used to have this when she visited int he past. She was so demanding that the children would get upset as Dh would never be able to do anything with them for more than about 10 minutes or would disappear off. He did completely stop that when I pointed it out, but it's exhausting having to be the one pointing it out all the time)

I agree that this crops up quite a lot here, but I think the OP's situation is a little different.

"We" are not looking after OP's parents. She is. However, "we" might be expected to look after her parents in law. Because patriarchy.

MIL is early 60s and in good health. OP's parents are elderly and her mother is actively dying. Incomparable.

I think telling him he has to stop his mother moving near him when your parents are local is a pretty awful. So your kids get to see your parents regularly but they only have to put up having to see his a few times a year?

However you are absolutely right to make it clear you have no capacity to care for another person now or long term and that it's his job to facilitate that, not yours

OP parents are actually elderly and in poor health. There’s no mention of them being demanding and unwilling / unable to do life. Plus there are OP’s parents and her husband gives no assistance, quite the opposite to what he is expecting / demanding for his mother

But her husband doesn't help with her parents, why should op help her mother in law when her husband doesn't help with her own parents?

Not to mention op has a full time job, kids, and two parents who she cares for already where is op supposed to magic the time for care for another person?

I meant to also say sorry that your own mother is so unwell.

So yet another "we do it for my parents but how dare my in laws want the same" post.

Really, just remember, you'll be a MIL one day.

And transversely, why is it okay for you to look after yours but not him to look after his, OP?

She doesn’t cook either?! @Carebear2000 What does she do? Another firm no to every Sunday dinner, surely she learns to cook a roast or eats something else. I wouldn’t get involved in the moving process either, as by the sounds of things she will feign helplessness and expect your husband or you to deal with it all. Im guessing that’s how shes gone through life

I think you are being a tad harsh. My in laws half expect us to move back to my husbands home town 500+ miles away from where we have made our own home!

Could you suggest a town that is nearby, with transport and things for her to get involved with? Getting a suitable property she can age in before she needs it is a great idea.
If you live rurally it’s not like she will be able to drop in- but your DH could pop in for a cupper a couple of times a week. You might find she is more confident knowing her family is just down the road.

I also feel you and your husband could maybe think about handling your parents as a team? Rather than “I’ll look after mine and you look after yours”. Besides you can’t moan at her not consulting you if you have no intention of helping.

It does sound like her expectations might be unrealistically high based on her weekend visits. Are you and your DH in a financial position to rent a cottage/flat/park-home for her for 6-8 weeks to show her the reality of living in an area with few amenities. Better to experience the reality of a cold, dark winter with no shops and no public transport before buying a house in the area and regretting it.

I’ll give you one guess!

This is literally what I was about to type.
I understand your feelings around this OP, I think your best (and only?) option is to communicate boundaries to both DH and MiL separately so that she's under no illusion as to what moving 5 minutes away from you would look like, and so that DH knows how you're likely to feel should he suddenly be regularly unavailable for your family.