To not invite my parents' siblings to my child's wedding

OP I took a similar approach to your son and DIL with my own wedding, although to be fair, my wedding was very small so I couldn't just invite anyone and everyone. My parents ended up having words with me and basically telling me that they wouldnt allow me to cause family rifts over my wedding, so if I wanted them to fund it, family had to come first. There were a few tears on my side as I had to cut out some really good friends, but with hindsight it was absolutely the right decision and has led to important family ties being strengthened, which has been brilliant now I have my own children.

Sometimes the "young folk" need a bit of steering in the right direction with these things. Especially in cases like yours where there's no real limit on people (except presumably space at the venue!).

I think a lot of people just don't really understand the etiquette around weddings. It's surprising to me that you're in this situation as you clearly 'get it' but your DC unfortunately doesn't.

It's absolutely the case that if parents are paying for the wedding, they are the hosts and have the ultimate say on the guest list. It's been this way for hundreds of years and the b&g have the option of paying themselves , in which case they will be the hosts and can determine their own guest list.

This is just all part and parcel of the increasing selfishness of society imo... People only ever seem to care about themselves - younger vibe indeed - how rude!

Can you sit your DC down and explain this to them? They're young and need guidance imo - people don't magically know this kind of thing (as quite a few posts on this thread demonstrate).

It's a difficult one, but I think you can offer support here. It will hopefully help them avoid unknowingly making quite a big social faux pas that will cause a great deal of offence.

Op if anything I think it's something that you will end up regretting and they would be right to ever support you again. Are you ok with that? Also it would confirm to them that you're probably just as bad as the sibling if they have been supporting you so kindly.
If it's just 2 extra people, and no financial constraints I think it's a really awful thing to do. Is this how you treat people that are actually good to you?

@userzerozerozero My DC got married earlier this year and their partner’s mother decided not to invite any of her extended family despite being encouraged to. We have a massive family, almost all of whom attended.

It was a fabulous day but the disparity of family numbers from each side was painful. They had many friends there too but I was extremely conscious of it.

You are paying for the wedding and have clearly got some say since you have friends coming. I really think inviting your aunt and uncle should be a hill to die on. Your DS won’t notice if they are there or not. You relatives definitely will know they have been missed out.

Wishing you luck. We have another one coming up soon!

@userzerozerozero - when we got married, we gave my parents and dh's parents 10 invitations each, so they could choose some guests they'd like to have there - could you do something similar? If it would mean you leaving off guests you really want, or having guests you absolutely cannot stand, then clearly this wouldn't work.

Well no - OPs said she is paying but her payment shouldn’t come with strings attached it’s still not her wedding day.

Not a big presence in your sons life, so he doesn't need to invite them.

Do you not see that paying for it really doesn't mean you can choose guests? You can suggest but that is it. Sounds like there have been lots of toxicity in your family, your ds just probably doesn't want reminding. Lots of people have friends rather than family for that very reason.

Yet some of the people who’ve contributed to the drama are invited, whilst those that have supported your mental health are excluded? That doesn’t make any sense.

Is it about a "younger vibe" or is it about the couple having the people around them who have had an impact in their life? Let your son and his fiancée decide. If I were you I wouldn't invite my own friends either if your son wouldn't have invited them - I would say either pay for the wedding as a gift and let them have the day they want, or organise your own party if you want control of the guest list. If your friends are more 'family friends' who have spent time with the bride and groom and the couple want them there, that's more normal.

Yes, if they're paying for the whole thing.....

....but I also hope they would be mindful of not causing more family upset in an already troubled family.

If there's a parental contribution, then I think parents do have some say in who gets to come.

If, as you say, there are no financial constraints and the world and his wife appear to be going, why do your son and his prospective wife not want to invite aunt and uncle? It seems unfair, especially as your aunt and uncle have been so supportive of you over the years. A wedding is usually a mix of ages, older people who don't care for a lot of noise and fuss tend to leave a bit early anyway and say, "We're leaving the youngsters to enjoy", quite cheerfully, but they are glad they went.

It would be different if it was a smaller do, eg just an afternoon sit down or buffet reception in a restaurant, hotel or similar, with a guest limit, which used to be a very popular option in my day.

I think it is mean not to invite them and in your place I would speak to son about it, but gently.

Presumably you are not paying towards it, if the bride's parents are contributing they might agree with you but I do not suggest you ask them.

However at the end of the day you have to go along with what they decide and with a good grace. These things pass and the last thing you want is to cause a rift.

Good luck.

Well if you don’t mind damaging what seems to be a rare supportive familial relationship don’t invite them I suppose. Whilst I’d say it’s your son’s wedding and he gets to pick, it does sound awful to exclude them on grounds they are old and uncool. It all sounds pretty mean spirited and nasty.

Don’t do this. You’ve said yourself there are no budget constraints. Non-invitation to a wedding resets relationships, and not always in a good way. Ask your son if they can come. If he says no, at least you’ve tried.

I can’t see why you wouldn’t invite them if there’s no financial/space restraints.
You will find in 10 years many of the “young crowd” friends have disappeared and family is hopefully(!) still around.

Wedding lists and parties and so on are social means by which you show people what they mean to you, and where they rank in your affections. The idea of excluding kind and loving family members for a ‘younger vibe’ is quite crass and short-sighted. You will upset your aunt and uncle, this will not be easily undone even if they don’t make a fuss. I’ve seen myself how decisions around wedding invites have repercussions for years to come.

I wish I’d been firmer with my ds.
We paid for most of the wedding but whilst ds and ddil invited lots of friends we didn’t because I have a huge family so compromised.
Two good friends of ours should have been invited imo and we’re still good friends.
Many of ds and ddils so called friends have not been around for most of the time since the wedding.

if you’re paying invite who you want.

Whilst I get the whole “younger vibe” thing, I would assume the bulk of the guests attending are friends of the couple. Personally, I don’t see how an extra few family members not in that demographic are going to ruin the wedding, but each to their own.

The argument around basic etiquette is a derail and I apologise for contributing to it, as OP's posts have clarified that her son hasn't vetoed inviting his great uncle and aunt.

She is, if I have understood correctly, planning to invite her parents despite the fact that their relationship is poor and directly exacerbates her mental health. She is planning to exclude her aunt and uncle, the family members who have been genuinely supportive of her, specifically so that her parents will look publicly lonely and isolated at the wedding as a twisted punishment. I'm sorry for the very difficult issues that you have clearly had to deal with, OP, but that's genuinely fucked up.

Sorry you misunderstand. My point was that the op said as they were paying it have them a right to have an input on guests. It doesn't, it is a gift.

I would always encourage my dc to invite family to a wedding but ultimately it is their decision.

Sure, if it makes you feel good (bold? daring?) to think that hurtful behaviour to others shows your "independence and autonomy", go ahead.

What would you do if your MIL came to you and said….there is a family member I would really like to come to your wedding as they have been really supportive to our family over the years….and I will gladly pay for them to attend ?

It seems normal to me. A lot of the children of our friends and relations have got married over the last couple of years. They have all chosen to have a 'younger vibe' and prioritised inviting their mates and colleagues over extended family or old family friends like DH and I.

I don't see it as an insult or a put down that we weren't invited. It's just a new way of doing things. I'm still happy for the young couples and enjoy seeing the photos of their big days.

Most of these young people funded their own weddings. Maybe if their parents had been paying things would have been different. However 2 of my own DC are getting married next year and although we will be contributing quite large sums we haven't expected to have any sort of say in in the guest list.