To ask for help listing mental load tasks

As you should. Be prepared for huge resistance as your husband will likely feel suddenly you've increased his work load and won't like it!

I think OP wants DH to see how it is to take over the full mental load - all items on the list, that is, not two. OP has been doing it all and now it is his turn. Also, she does not want to delegate, or ‘put him in charge’ of a couple of things, he must be the one to take the initiative. Well done, OP; I hope it works!

I’ve read through all the posts and realise that I do every single one of these mental load jobs! SAHM (youngest has just gone to school) and although I occasionally delegate out a task at weekends (take X to the tip / please mow the lawn / take X to a party with this present), all the planning and prethought into all areas including all financial are down to me. I’d love to go back to work and I’m applying but dividing up these jobs is going to require planning and a huge life adjustment for my partner

Thanks @Scribblydoo this sounds exactly like my situation which is why I know that if we ever split the kids would be 50/50 but we do have the money to outsource so I've started doing that, he has the kids on his days off happily (pre school age) and does the dishwasher/occasional hoover but it doesn't bother him until it bothers him. He doesn't care the garden is overgrown with weeds, or the bedding doesn't get washed regularly, or the shower glass door has timescale build up. Honestly if he lived alone I'd dread to think the state of the hous. But we get on, chat about things that interest us both, have nice days out and holidays together. But I am not wanting to be intimate as I am just becoming resentful towards him. I'm not sure he is that bothered either at the moment but am sure he would blame that if he ever decided to leave too. It's a sad situation.

@Toucanlion I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation and my 'method' of not giving a fuck is yes I just get on with the things that need to be done and have stopped begging for 'help'. Luckily I have the resources that I can outsource some things e.g. we have a cleaner, I can claim car washing through work and if I want something done that my husband is better able to do (I'm quite limited in my mobility) I say I'm going to get X (teenage son of friend/handyman) to do Y (gardening/painting) and he will usually jump in and say he can do it. Then I'll say let me know if you can't do it by a date and I'll get X to do it.

I suppose this is where I should try and justify why this ok. My husband is a caring man, he does do things around the house, he is a good father but he does things very much when he wants and not when they need doing. I used to help him out and do whatever thing I could see need preparation but I don't anymore. Only if it is of no consequence for me to do it or if my children miss out. If he has do a task he forgot to plan for then so be it.

As the others have already pointed out making such list adds to YOUR mental load so the prince that your husband is could take over?

Holy smokes OP.

What about you tell him to open his fucking eyes and look around?
I’d stop doing anything for him.
I presume he’s working. Does he have his manager/boss giving him detailed list with the instructions how to do the job?

This is strategic incompetence and piss taking on the highest level.

Step back,tell him to figure it out himself (kids need feeding,clothing and educating)and pull his finger out.
It’s not called helping. It’s called pitching in and sharing the load. They are also his kids.

You’re heading for a burn out op with lazy bastard OP.

amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

This is a really good question! Might ask my DH…

Thissss!!!!

Definitely categorise by frequency so your DH can see how often things need to be done. Hopefully that will stop him focusing things like passport renewal and de-railing the discussion because ‘that’s only once every few years’.

I’d also split some of the tasks down to show the details - so ‘school events’ includes reading the email/ letter, putting it on the calendar/ reminder on phone, making a note if you need to bring anything, checking if you need to buy something (eg: spotty t-shirt for Children in Need) and buying it - even if it’s just a quick click on Amazon, someone needs to remember and do it!

Likewise, laundry is not just ‘put a wash on, then dry it’, but keeping track of who needs what clothes/ uniform/ sports kit when and making sure it’s washed and dried in time.

This has really resonate with me, and if it wasn't for the fact I don't want to spend 50 % of time away from my kids id be leaving in my situation. I'm planning a very long term to leave when my kids will be old enough to stay in contact with me without having to facilitate him.

How did you learn not to give a fuck? Do you just get on and do the housework/gardening/mental load and just accept they won't do it.

I don't do my husband washing, just mine and the kids, I've started cooking for just me and the kids now and meal planning what I want (and I'm happy with a jacket potato so it's easier).

When he says what for dinner I say I don't know. He usually magics something up/freezer food. I can't seem to stop doing something that might also have an effect to my kids (but benefits him) if that makes sense.

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, but the whole thing where you just 'know' stuff. Things like DC1 doesn't like wearing blue socks on a Tuesday. Or if you buy the family size box of cereal/washing powder it won't fit in any of the cupboards. Or DC2 only likes branded ketchup. They sound so trivial, but I have literally hundreds of these little snippets of information jostling around in my brain and they really add up.

If you live /lived /visit with someone who doesn't open close curtains or know how blinds work...

Opening curtains?!!! Some of these are just silly.

Set up direct debits and use a shared calendar. I think it would take me longer to write a list of what we all do than the time we spent actually doing the tasks.

If you have to remind your husband to open curtains then I think you have much bigger problems!!

Knowing what clothes the kids need for which activities, know where they are, where they should be, whether they are clean or dirty, which washing cycle they go on, how long that takes ,can they be tumble dried, how long, which setting, if not how long they take to dry in the current weather, and whether there is space on the line/airer, if they will need ironing, setting , when, and putting away/in kit bag etc.

Organising play dates
Keeping minor ailments that aren’t worthy of a dr appointment on my radar and monitoring them
Making sure we have calpol, lemmsip etc
Replacing items from the first aid kit like plasters
Adjusting when children suddenly dislike a food they used to like
Getting seasonal things booked and in the diary like pumpkin picking, Santa visits

I'll just leave this here:
https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-the-fair-play-book-doesnt-fix

I just stopped giving a fuck, that seems to help and if I get any push back on why X isn't done my answer is 'well did you do it?'

It’s the constant planning ahead and the noticing for me. Planning what meals to cook, how to use the leftovers, and buying everything that’s needed. Monitoring the food in the fridge so that stuff doesn’t get wasted, and that we don’t start growing new life forms.
Noticing when things are getting low at the right moment to also add them to the shopping list (easy when it’s a kitchen item but harder if it’s something not located by the list).
Realising that if we want Christmas to be enjoyable and relaxing we can’t start making all the arrangements two days before. Ditto for holidays.
Remembering that one dog has been limping so maybe we need to buy a supplement, and finding a suitable one and buying it, then remembering to give it.
Noticing the cleaning jobs that need doing and doing them.

OH is brilliant at noticing and planning for himself, but less good at doing the same for the whole household. He is getting better though.

But why not just invest the 5 seconds to diarise it in a planner?
Deciding the best method is ‘remembering’ all this stuff is just stressful and ineffectual.

Keeping track of teacher training days and school trips.
Remembering medications.
Checking for and treating nits.
Cleaning shoes.
Mending.
'Pest' control.
Filling in calendar.
Having change for school things.

I have never had to do this with my DC - play dates should be spontaneous such as coming round for tea one night after school which only needs a quick text “can Fred come for tea tomorrow, I’ll pick him up from school and drop him at yours at 6.30”

I voted YABU because, as you e said, it’s petty.
Many of the things you’ve listed are one off things - dentist / optician appointments for example. This is solved by booking the next appointment (for during the school holidays) when you visit and adding it to the family calendar.
Household bills - set up direct debits for them all. My bills have been paid for years in this way.
Deadlines / volunteering. Deadlines for what? Why do you feel the need to volunteer? If you've not got time to do that, then stop doing it!
Organising after school clubs - what’s to organise? Most ASCs have an app or email to book on, and the payments are again done by DD, so once set up, it’s automatic.
Keeping DCs toiletries stocked up - blimey, how many toiletries does a child need? Just throw some shampoo into the trolley when you’re doing the weekly shop!
Birthday cards/gifts for parties - buy a job lot of cards and throw a fiver in rather than buying tat.
Sorting clothes out - an annual job that can be done together.
The day to day stuff does need to be shared. So maybe one of you takes responsibility for packed lunch prep whilst the other gets the DC ready for school / nursery. Taking dc to clubs / parties should be shared where possible.

I get where you’re coming from as I’ve been there, and we solved it by having a calendar with everything on and allocating who’d do what on it when it went on the calendar; having a list of daily household tasks allocated to each person and sticking to it; having separate responsibilities eg DH was responsible for taking dc to football training / matches and I would use that time to do a different household job.

I don’t think you’ve added enough details: organising a play date for example, should read something like this:
Get child’s friends Mums number
call or text child’s friend
consult diary as to good time or day
contact child’s friend
save friend details in phone
organise date and place
look up where place is
etc etc - yes I’m vengeful

And wait until y7 when they got loads of homework they need help with...

If you need help making the list it can’t be too onerous.

Charging things.
Cutting nails.
School applications.
Travel cards.
Electoral register.