To really not want to go to this hen do?

If she has a hen do overseas, she needs to understand that a lot of people won't be able to make it. Just explain that finances are tight if you don't want to get into the health stuff, and suggest having tea or a lunch together when she gets back.

Well done OP. I wouldn't be offering to take her for a meal either, you're not close friends anymore so you don't need to spend the money. A gift for the wedding is plenty, if you're invited

I'm of the opinion that many people getting married forget while it's their special event, it isn't everyone's special event and therefore giving up money, annual leave days, time etc., isn't always possible for everyone.They have better things to spend their own money on.

Like other's said - short and sweet. No justification. Kind but clear!

I don’t agree at all with having to justify why you can’t attend. Your finances/health are nobody’s business, and certainly not in a random group chat.

A simple “sounds like it’ll be a great weekend! Unfortunately I won’t be able to join you, but I’m sure you’ll all have an amazing time!”

If you want to, you can text your friend privately to say house renovations/annual leave/health means that you can’t make it, but there’s no reason you have to tell her anything you’re not comfortable with.

Just say you can't afford it. You aren't obligated to do anything

Why are they all abroad and really expensive now?

You are definitely overthinking this. Just say no. Loads of people said no to the foreign hen do I once went on. They still went to the wedding and no hard feelings as long as as you are upfront immediately that you can't go.

OP, it's just an invite to a party. It's so, so reasonable to say you can't make that date but have a great time. In the unlikely event the bride is pissed off, you'll know she's a tit. I have declined many hens and many weddings because they didn't suit never had anyone fall out with me over it.

Your attendance has simply been assumed rather than an invitation issued. This naturally puts people under pressure. It isn't an honest approach. Don't JADE (justify, defend, argue, explain). Do this and you are simply opening the door to this becoming a negotiation. It isn't. It's a 'no'.

A simple 'can't make it but have a great time' is an adequate response, but I think the PP's suggestion of 'family circumstances' is a good opt-out clause. It puts across the point that you are experiencing ongoing issues but at the same time, in a polite but firm way, makes it clear you are not willing to talk about those issues. If the point is pushed then you can simply politely say let's not go there.

If an invitation is conditional upon your attending expensive pre-wedding celebrations then that's too bad, but IMO, rather odd. I've rarely been on hen nights for those weddings I have attended, have never been to a 'hen weekend' at all, and didn't even have a 'hen' myself as these kinds of event are not for me.

I missed a friend’s hen do because I had a 4 month old baby who I didn’t want to leave. I don’t think she ever forgave me. We never discussed it, she moved away, and we have had little to no contact since her wedding.
I’m not saying you should go if you can’t afford it—just warning you that your friend may not see it from your point of view.

I think more and more people are pushing back on these extravagant celebrations, don't worry at all sounds like you have smoothed over with the bride.

I might be a misery but I find these things to be about filling out nos rather than people enjoying themselves. What's really to enjoy if you only know thd bride and spend the weekend getting to know people at an expense of time and money l.

To the group
‘I’m sad that I’m unable to make this. I’ll remove myself from the group now - but really look forward to seeing all the photos and catching up with lots of you at the wedding’

to your friend
’I’m afraid that, between some ongoing medical issue and a very tight house-Reno budget, I can’t make your hen do. I’d really like to celebrate you though - can I take you for dinner soon? Lots of love’

Tbh if you're only talking about couple of times a year and only meeting once, she probably doesn't really expect that you will attend. Just say no because you can't afford it.

Organise something lower budget but personal for the two of you to celebrate! A good friend won't drop you over this either way

RSVP with regrets cannot go.

You don’t need to make any excuse.

I'm glad you've mentioned it on the WhatsApp. But if the bride or anyone else contacts you about it, please don't over-explain like you did on the OP. It comes across as defensive and it really isn't needed.

Keep it simple. The very most you should say is: 'We've over extended ourselves financially, with the renovations not going to plan, and having committed ourselves to an extended family holiday, so I'm afraid there's no possibility of joining'

But just 'it's financially impossible' will do

Because I know that some people think that you should make the effort and if you don’t go then you don’t get to go to the wedding

Does that really matter? In an expensive year, combined with your health issues, isn’t it a good thing to be able to duck out of attending a wedding?

A lot of people wouldn't go to the hen do of someone they saw once a year if they were well and could afford it. Its a big ask of someone to pay to go abroad and brides to be should only expect very close friends and their known party people to be up for it, if they have any sense. Just tell her the truth. You can't afford it because you're skint from the house renovations.

I don't think it's bad to not go in the slightest.

You don't sound very close and even if you were, you can't afford what you can't afford.

I'd bite the bullet and post to the group asap. keep it breezy and state that you would have loved to been there but the house has more than emptied your pockets for the forseeable.

If she gets arsey about it then, well, she's an arse!

Is the bride on the group? If so just pm her and say you're really sorry but you can't make the hen due to finances. Om assuming she's not local os you see each other so rarely but if there's a way to meet up, suggest doing someone one to one?

I have ME too so I totally get it. It's not even that you don't want to go, it's that you can't. I would call my friend up or message her directly to tell her the situation. That's what I have done in the past with old school friends that I'm no longer close to who want to organise things I can't do, it's not comfortable because I don't like talking about my illness and no one understands it anyway. Alternatively, just tell her finances are tight and you can't make it if you don't want to go into your healthy issues. x

I think it's fine I'd just say if you do anything local I'd love to come.

Just don't go.

I have refused any and all hen party (and baby shower) invitations that have come my way, and am very happy with that.

Oooh taking her out for a meal at an alternative time is a good idea!