Please help ,child neglect

I worked to support a stressed, very busy family.

DM was sad “I am not maternal” was her worry.

She described their busy life, their timetable, kids clubs, working hours and super organisation.

I gave her one piece of advice. STOP.

Sit down, snuggle on the sofa, listen, talk, read, watch tv together.

It worked, she said. Gave them time to breath. She felt I had given them permission to just be!

If you care about whether you might be neglecting your child, you are not neglecting your child. Neglectful parents either don't know or don't care that something is wrong. People do throw about the term far too casually and apply it to stuff that is merely sub-optimal parenting.

I'm sorry you are obviously struggling - do reach out and get help, I don't think anyone is going to accuse you of neglect, nobody gets kids taken away for being imperfect as parents.

@Savingthehedgehogs

Aww these are such lovely ideas, brought a tear to my eye 🥹

On my days off I'm often thinking I need to take my DD (3.5) out and about to fun places to keep her happy and entertained but actually, showing love and connection is so basic and simple when you break it down to what you've described here - might try some of these myself. She'd love the teddy bear picnic actually! 🥰

She's so little and if she gets comfort and you both get sleep, it's great
I did the same with all of my 3

Sleeping with DD is fine and she will feel emotionally connected to you

No one here can tell you if you are emotionally neglectful or not. You should try to see a therapist to understand your situation and get help for both of you.

It was 30 years ago and honestly, he has grown into an emotionally healthy, high achieving man who loves me and has no idea how I felt when he was little so please don't worry.

Huge well done for posting so honestly
You have great insight and the post up thread is perfect to identify where you FEEL you are lacking
I felt exactly like you with my DS 1 II was diagnosed with major PND and actually didn't feel truly connected with him until he was 18months
Internet wasn't a thing and he is now 30
I felt I was just just going through the motions and felt huge guilt BUT DD doesn't know what's in your head or how you feel. You're all she knows.
Fake it until you feel it was my motto
I used to sit and read books with him( skipping pages at times) play doh
Blew lots of bubbles,
He was having fun but i was supervising really
Do not feel bad, most importantly, do seek help from your GP
I'm almost certain you have undiagnosed depression and single parenting is very hard
I will add that I am still on antidepressants now)
You are meeting your DDs needs well imo

Op - in order to be a wonderful mother to dd you need to address your own needs first. You have taken this step already by posting and recognising that you are not present for her.

Speak to be the doctor and ask immediately for talking therapies.
In the meantime these things will really help connection and require almost no effort from you:

Big baths full of bubbles and get in with her. With her toys and rub her feet and back for a little while
Also relax and ask her to enjoy the warmth of the water

Dinner as a teddy bears picnic is just a blanket on the floor ( that’s literally all you do) and ask her to invite all of her favourite toys

Bring her into bed and cuddle her close. Smell her hair, touch her hands and trace animals on her back

Ask her to read to you and hold her in your arms. If she can’t read, read to her.

Even if you do absolutely nothing else ever, this will make a huge impact on your dd. She will feel loved and cherished, she doesn’t need anything else.

I am so sorry you are experiencing such awful disassociation op, this is not your fault. Clearly you care, and love your child. Small steps. Face mask on yourself and take care of yourself op.

I think a lot of men are like this but it's less common for women.

Could she go to after school club or grandparents to give you some down time?

I do think parents scrolling on phones is an issue & children are ignored more than in previous generations.

Also could you take her out places like soft play, swimming lessons so you don't have to think of things to do?

I don't think she will be taken off you for this. There's a shortage of foster carers & much worse situations needing support.

Where is your partner in all of this? Can he do the fun stuff with her? Do you have anyone else nearby?

All parents want their children to just leave them alone at times. At that age I would bet most parents feel it at least once a day.

You’re obviously struggling and should go and speak to your GP for your sake.

Sounds like you need a trip to the doctor as you sound depressed.
Just start small, maybe just get her to cuddle on the sofa together and look at a book. Watch a film together.
There is more going on in the background and sounds like you need some support. Make that step.

You need to reach out to your GP for help and support. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Trust me I’ve been there!

I commend you for being honest about this, and being vulnerable on a place like mumsnet. Do you think your own demons might be linked to ADHD or ASD? Being in bed on your phone sounds like you are depressed.
Would it help to identify the sets of needs and then try to tick at least 1 box a day.
A child has 3 sets of needs:

1. basic (food, shelter, a safe environment, care when she is sick, help with personal hygiene),
2. intellectual (someone to answer her questions, read with her, teach her things, play games, make crafts, make sure she has the right life skills appropriate to her age)
3. emotional (knowing how to interpret how she feels, being a listening ear when she is trying to tell you how she feels, treating her with respect when you speak to her and request things of her, affection, a safe environment where there is no sudden anger or blame or shouting, a predictable environment so she knows she is emotionally safe)

Are there any of these you feel you are struggling with? could you organise some very basic activities for no 2 and spend 30 mins with her.
Are there any situations in your life where she may think her environment is not emotionally safe (eg sudden shouting or lots of blaming?)

Definitely reach out for some help. I recognise your feelings (also have a 5 year old!) very well but I take medication and have regular therapy which helps. But I also give myself grace. Life is hard and it sounds like you love your daughter very much.

You sound overwhelmed and that can make you overstimulated easily. Does she go to school or nursery ?

It can be a sign of depression and it can mean you need some extra help but it isn’t child neglect.

When I was pregnant with my second I did a fair amount of lying on the sofa while my eldest played or watched TV and it may not be ideal but sometimes it’s just getting through.

I am not very good at playing with mine. I’m better with the younger one and I can and do read with them but playing - frankly I’m rubbish. But it might be skewed as I don’t remember my parents playing with me much.

Does she like board games? Keep meaning to get some to do with DS!