How can I make Xmas better with MIL?

Women may be more likely to be very close to their own families, but are less likely to put all the responsibility for preparing meals and waiting on them hand and foot onto their husbands.

Honestly if I'm a guest in someone's house I'm a guest in someone's house. I'm certainly not going to be cooking or putting washing up away for them or anything because I don't know where any of it goes and I'd drive them insane. I tried to chop strawberries once at my MIL after offering to help her and you'd have thought I was doing brain surgery with just a laser pointer and a plastic knife the amount of criticism I got.

Even more so at Christmas when people are tired and impatient. Everyone does things differently. It's best off she's out of the way and not under your feet, you can give her plenty of activities to do with the kids. And if she wants to talk about how grateful you should be then great, you've got them all out of the way and it's a win win.

@ReadingSoManyThreads

why wouldn’t be fair on the children?

How often is he expected to tolerate his in laws for? Many women in here seem surgically attached to their own family.
Sometimes it's difficult to know what to do as a guest, not wanting to be in the way in the kitchen for example. Maybe give her a specific job e.g. laying the table on Christmas Day. I do agree that 5 days is too long though, I would hate being a guest for so long!

Maybe house guests should make themselves more agreeable to their hosts by being cheerful company, offering to help, playing with the children etc.

Also, staying for five days is quite an imposition, so maybe OP's MIL should suggest coming for a shorter period of time.

Totally agree!!

You’re being walked over by your husband AND his mum. You really need to speak up and make it clear what level you will happily put up with. Some great advice on this thread but you have to take some responsibility to stand up for yourself

There's nothing you can do to change how she is. Your options are..

• Eat out somewhere local to you and reduce her stay to 3 days
• Eat out somewhere local to her so she doesn't have to stay over at all
• Leave it as is and reduce your expectations of her

it's really no wonder we have an epidemic of lonliness -

I don't love overstayers as house guests myself but some of this is so miserable

tell her not to come? tell her to come for one day? refuse to maker her cups of tea?

jesus christ I have family who are hard work but I make them cups of tea if they visit once a year!

To be honest, I would just pretend she's not there. You won't be doing anything you wouldn't be doing if she wasn't.....

if diddums wants Mummy there, he can look after her - why should you run around after her both of them?

Airbnb in a nice but nearby place?

Full on holiday?

Or just say no. You aren’t doing it. You have to stick to your guns.

Are we reading the same thread?

Have you tried talking to her? She might be sat there thinking” I have to go to DSs for 5 days over Xmas because they are expecting me to but I dont want to appear ungrateful.DIL never let me do anything so I feel a spare part “ etc. All Im saying is you need to talk to her to find out if theres a different way that suits you all

She’d be my ideal guest. I find people in my kitchen getting in my way and putting things in the wrong places irritating. Sit on the sofa, play with your iPad and I’ll bring you a cup of tea when I make one for myself. That’s no trouble really, is it?

I don’t invite guests to send them off out with my children or tell them to do the bedtime routine.

I suspect your H isn’t doing his fair share and that’s where your resentment should be targeted.

How old is she?

No other siblings/relatives?

How much hosting/prep/parenting does your DH do over Christmas/generally?

Limit it to 3 days

Don’t serve her drinks or snacks. Set up easy stations for both for the duration of her stay that everyone can use.

If you want her in the kitchen, have her get her own breakfast and lunch.

change your expectations with regards to integrating her into the working household. She isn’t there to help out. Even if it seems logical for her to help with the children to get to bond with her grandchildren, if she doesn’t rise to the occasion, just let it go. Some grandparents just want to sit and watch the children play.

This x1000. Tell him that if he insists on hosting, he can do it ALL.

Yes.
I'm blessed not to have PIL and my narcissistic abuser of a mother in another country, so it's just husband and me.
👍

Yet again, a woman is told to delegate, fein a broken wrist, or suck it up and have a horrible Christmas instead of encouraging her that it's OK to put her foot down and just say NO! Not happening, not this year. End of.

Sorry for the terrible typing on phone with no reading glasses

so if you did Christmas last year, this year its your husbands turn to organise it. He and his mum can do it together . Yes it will be a shambles , but if your children are small, alll they care about is getting presents, eating sweets and playing with their toys . So you do that while your DH and MIL do the meal and everything else.

Let your DH buy the food cooks all the meals , do the laundry etc. float aorund with a dink in your hand and say things like “ let me know what i cna do to help” and then do nothing . Of be helpful; and take the kids out to the park / children’s carol service .

Basically just act like a man , except you need to buy the kids gifts and play with them , So not totally like a man.

It’s really not ok for your DH to insist his mother comes and then makes no effort with her. I’d say this is more where your problem lies OP. Is he always this ambivalent to your wants/needs?

@Arjee

if you have a son, I wonder if his future wife will take the same approach towards you?

We run Christmas like a miltary operation. Every single task is on our plan with the time it needs to be done next to it. Nobody is allowed to opt out. You can't sit down and play on your phone/with your pressies until there's a gap in the timings. Everyone knows the rule and actually everyone quite enjoys it.

So a random made up example would be:
8.00 clear up breakfast
8.05 wash up breakfast pots
8.10 put breakfast pots away
11.00 tidy up living room
11.30 set the table
11.35 peel potatoes
11.40 peel carrots

Etc.