How can I make Xmas better with MIL?

It will feel like forever but it won’t be. In my case it was ‘only’ 23 years, Which was enough. We eventually got it down to Xmas day only but that was because she moved from 5 hours away to round the corner. And she didn’t drink, didn’t eat pasta, rice, spicy things, foreign food, and took sauces under protest. She had an incredibly annoying habit of using the cutlery to inspect her food before she started eating. She liked children to sit still and play quietly.
As people say establish boundaries and let them become the accepted pattern so three nights max, arrive afternoon of 23rd leave lunchtime on 26th. Take away on the evening she arrives. Brunch on the day she leaves. It is your family home and routine so she should work round that. Also set boundaries with your dh, his mother he leads in entertaining her, and building relationships between her and your children, nice long walk for all except you on Christmas Eve while you are ‘busy in the kitchen’ or in the bath with wine and book!
I spent as much of the day as I could in the kitchen, used to do amazing things with left over turkey😂.

The communication is really poor between him and his mum. So it's me orchestrating

So stop. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@pistachio92 i would only have her from christmas eve till boxing day. that is ample time for her to read every page of the internet on her ipad!! dont let your hubby bully you into making it 5 days! that would be torture and how much rest would you get till you returned to work!

I be understand the frustration as I have the same with a family member. Just sits there eating the chocolates and commandeering the TV with rubbish. Kids never get to see anything good on Xmas day but luckily it's every other year, so I just have to take the higher ground.

Maybe say you have some plans and say she can stay for 3 days?

Open a bottle of Prosecco in the morning and slowly drink it all day. I find it takes the edge off family Christmas irritation.

Stop enabling both of them to be uncommunicative...

Let them bump along.

Just book stuff - pantomime, theatre, cinema, shopping, bowling, light trails, play places.

Have a pub lunch or dinner out one night, have a takeaway or ready meal dinner on the first night.

Christmas eve, bought in fish pie. Boxing day, leftovers and picky bits.

Breakfasts are help yourself. As are drinks,

And then otherwise just carry on with your normal Christmas that you would have whether she was there or not.

If she’s lonely why doesn’t she look up from sitting on an iPad for most of the stay?

According to OP she doesn’t speak to her son, doesn’t speak to the kids and barely speaks to OP except to ask her to come and sort the kids?

If she just sits with an iPad it wouldn’t worry me. If she passed remarks or expected fancy presents, then I wouldn’t invite.

I don’t like ppl helping as they get in the way and ask where everything goes, my house, so I do it all. If I am a guest they the host can do it all.

Nice as it would be if all grandparents were good with children - not all of them are! My own mum is not the helpful time and yes that hs burned me up at times - but you know what, she did her job as a parent bringing up your husband - now she is a guest in your home.

In many cultures (not the british one!) she would not be expected to help. Can you just see it as being a caring host - I agree 5 days would grate on my nerves but - once a year? I do find the tone depressing here.

First is she lonely? I would love to see how many of you will be with family when older and no one else.

This is based on shaming. She has no shame, your DH doesn't, you want to have a lovely Christmas for the DC and your family, so you fill the gap and do all the work.

You can't change him or her but you absolutely can reflect on how much you do and why.

Seriously ask dh what he is cooking as you will be having Christmas playing with your dc... And mean it. Your dc won't care what's for lunch. If dh does he can cook it.

@pistachio92 She’s not going to chip in. You know this so don’t set yourself up for disappointment

the only control you do have is length of stay. Tell your dh that he can go and collect her on 23/24th and she’ll go back after 3 days. MAX!

tell her that due to other commitments, she can come between x and y dates and H will run her back.

I will disagree with the doing something with the kids

Even though she's a parent she might be terrible with children or really not enjoy playing with them. And that isn't fair on the kids. And if she wanted a relationship with them she'd have one. As long as she doesn't ignore or tell them to go away leave that.

But she needs to help.

What does your DH do?

@pistachio92 So have you talked to her?

Don't you even offer to wash up? Or clear plates?

I understand if the host says no, but you should offer!

Then he needs to call her to help with whatever needs doing!

I’m pretty sure you fancy a tropical Christmas alone this year, don’t you? I’ve heard the Bahamas are lovely. You can sit on a sun lounge under a palm tree, drinking a cocktail from a pineapple with an umbrella and FaceTime DH and MIL back at your place to say “Merry Christmas” and offer them a cheerful toast.

Does she feel comfortable at your house? Comfortable enough to get involved and help or do things with the kids. If she lives 4 hours away she might not know where to take the kids or about things to do?
Some people hate other people in their kitchens perhaps she thinks that way?
Maybe suggest things she could do to help or activities to do with the children