Teens been aholes while I have cancer

I agree with PPs that they need to understand that they are not ‘helping you’ or doing things ‘for you’, they are doing things as members of the household where they live, and not doing them has consequences for them - you won’t pick up the slack.
I think you need to sit down with them and draw up a list of everything that needs doing and be very prescriptive about what each task includes, and who’s responsibility it is eg. Washing up means putting away already clean things, washing all the dirty pots and pans, wiping down the work surfaces and the table, cleaning up all the splashes round the sink, and writing on a shopping list if the washing up liquid is running low. You need to assume they will not realise about all those little add on things that you would do automatically.

Good luck with your treatment OP.

My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her children were 16 and 18 at the time. She is a single parent and lives 100 miles away from the rest of our family. She has a few local friends.

She had similar problems with her children, mostly the eldest. After a month or so I offered to have a conversation with them.

I chatted about how their behaviour was upsetting to their mum, how it was important for her to have support and how they needed to step up a little bit as whilst she had her operations her treatment was far from over. I was also able to tell them how disappointed their Grandparents were in their behaviour..

It worked.

I think the fact their Aunty had stepped in made a difference as I’ve never even had to encourage them to clam down/not run off as little kids.

I understand it won’t work for everyone, and I only did it with consent from my sister. And I’m sure many will condemn it as they will say the kids may need support to navigate their mum being ill as opposed to a telling off. I agree with that to a degree, (although it should be noted support had been given from a variety of sources) but at their ages, they aren’t babies anymore and need to understand their needs right at that time were not more important than their mum’s.

Good luck with your treatment.

There may be some denial going on here. Carry on as normal, leave mum to do what she normally does and she can't be that sick...can she? Ignore it with fingers in our ears and it won't be real. I echo the pps who say a full talk is in order where you explain the situation and set out clearly what you want from each of them (allocate sorcific tasks to individuals rather than 'you all need to help more' so responsibility is clear.)

Sorry to hear this.
They are not listening to you- maybe you have stressed the it will be ok outcome.
Is there another relative- or family friend that can read them the riot act/ support you?

It's always going the hard to get them to start doing chores now when they've never had to think about doing them before

But if I was being particularly grumpy I'd probably say go away and google what I'm going through - once you've all pulled you're heads out of your arses sit down together and agree what jobs will be done by whom and when and tell me when your rota is pinned to the fridge

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis.
Re: teens, yes they're being arse-holes but from a practical viewpoint, I found it really useful to make a rota of dog-walking (and other chores too). That way, the arguments should be done and dusted at the start of the week. If they know in advance they've got to factor it in to their day, they're less likely to kick off when it's sprung on them (in their view) last-minute.

Tbh it sounds like the issue is not that they are asshole, it's that you have left it until now to expect them to start doing chores. They've been allowed to be lazy and selfish for so long, it's not going to be easy to change that. Just keep nagging at them.

Good luck with your treatment!

Please, please, please make sure you tell their school(s) what is happening. I know it is your, private medical info, but it will be affecting them. They may not need support at school. But they may. And it is far easier for a school/staff if they understand this in advance.

I think sometimes with teens there is a tendency to talk to them a try to reason with them. But by their very nature they are selfish.

You need action because it speaks louder than words. Use their pocket money to pay for a dog walker

So sorry you are going through this. PP gave a good response, and you have the perfect explanation about no lifts: “I asked you all to help with various tasks, but it wasn’t your turn, so I ended up doing all the stuff. No I’m exhausted so I’m going to bed. I’m afraid you’ll have to make your own arrangements to get to drama club/your friend’s house/ whatever. No, I haven’t cooked. There’s pasta in the cupboard. No, I haven’t done the laundry. The washing powder is under the sink.”

Good luck, I hope they step up for you.

I’m sorry to hear about this. Teenagers can be absolute arseholes.
Make it quite simple. If they’re choosing to not assist with their pet when you need help the most - the dog gets rehomed. That’s the fairest solution for all.
You need to re-iterate (although they will already be aware on many levels) how much you NEED help to aid recovery. I’d explain that going forward helping and contributing to the house is the bare minimum you expect from them. They’re young adults.
Get well soon x

My friend has recently had breast cancer (thank goodness clear now) and she has 3 children, 2 teens and 1 much younger. She did have to sit down with the elder 2 and explain they needed to step up. She has always done pretty much everything for them as a SAHM - her DH worked away a lot so finding a job around his hours was difficult. So I guess they got used to Mum always doing everything.
she found treatment hard and had chemo, radiotherapy and surgery and her energy levels really suffered.
i would sit yours down and have a really honest conversation about that they will need to pull their weight. You’re a team that needs to pull together. I would be drawing up a chores board and agreeing who will do what.
wishing you well through your treatment and recovery

They are probably scared themselves at the moment.

No excuse but it is an explanation- I’m sure they do love you but teenagers are selfish by nature.

I know what you mean about the arguing about it being someone else’s turn. When dd was a very sick baby and keeping me awake the entire night my now exh was next to useless - worse than useless maybe. My Mum came to “help” but then the pair of them started arguing about who “should” being the one doing the lions share of helping.

OK, this is more on exh than my Mum, but why come to help and then argue about it? It just ended up with my still doing it all but with a bad atmosphere. Ex MIL is the one who actually properly helped, and I’ll always remember that.

My Mam had breast cancer when I was 16, and I went completely off the rails. I thought she was going to die and I was going to have to take care of my Dad and my 3 younger siblings. My behaviour escalated to the point I was self harming, and I had a massive melt down in a lesson in school and shouted at the teacher - where all my concerns came rambling out, everything I had been keeping inside. The school were wonderful, and I had counselling, and a long heart to heart with my Mam about exactly what type of cancer she had, what stage, what treatment was needed and the prognosis. Things slowly got better the more my parents let me in on exactly what was happening. It sounds like maybe your children (and you) need some outside support. Separately and collectively. Talking with school/college may be a good place to start?
Sending you so much love and strength. Life sounds tough, but there are things you can do to make it easier! Have you got family or friends that can help, too?

Older teens bickering over who takes the dog out isn't giving me 'poor traumatised children' vibes, tbh.

Are they getting any support from anyone? Does the hospital offer family support or therapy? I wonder if they are somewhat in denial that their mum has cancer? They are teens, and their dad is "useless", and their mum might be dying. That would be an emotional situation for an older person who just didn't want to lose their mum. For teens, who are not yet or only just self sufficient, I imagine this is a terrifying situation both practically and emotionally! Might they not be helping, because that means recognising that you can't do everything you used to because you are very ill - that's terrifying.

I'd be holding crisis talks and laying down the law. They are not doing these tasks, at their age to "help you", they are expected to do these tasks because they are members of a household.

You will not be doing X, Y, Z anymore (or until such a time) so if they want dinner / clean clothes etc they have to organise this themselves. Dog is being neglected = dog gets rehomed.

I think it’s also worth pointing out that their help will improved your (anticipated, if I’ve read it correctly) rate of recovery. Of course, it’s truer that their lack of help will likely hinder your recovery, but I would definitely frame it as their help being a big positive for all of you, rather than their lack of help being a negative.

Good luck with it all.

Teens can be very emotionally affected by a parent being seriously ill.

Obviously you are the person who is ill, but they worry about what will happen to them if you die. Especially if their dad is useless.

I suffered a life changing accident when my kids were early teens and it has seriously impacted their lives.

If it's possible to get them support - from school maybe by being registered as young carers - it might help a good idea.

In an ideal world they would step up and help run the household and look after you. Sometimes, though their own emotions take over. They aren't adults.

Is there any other support you can get from elsewhere?

Don't be afraid to blow up at them, sometimes a reality check is more than needed. Assuming no disabilities your 3 teens should now be more than capable of running the household. Your going to need to be tough to get through the next year or so, give them more responsibilities it will ready them for the adult world and being able to be independent. As a mum it's now your turn to come first something we all struggle to do with our children, I could be an arse as a teen but if I could see one of my parents struggling I stepped up and mucked in that's family, that's love, I hope your get through this stronger than ever.

Fantastic response 👏

I echo what everyone else says above about sitting them down and spelling out all of it - diagnosis, treatment, effects and prognosis

But the bottom line is - you won't be up to doing what you usually do, so they are going to notice the effects pretty damn quickly

I wish you luck with a successful outcome soon

This. If he’s useless and they’re usually good kind kids for other people, I’d presume this is his influence on them; to be honest. Is that changeable? Him leading by example is likely to be far more effective than anything else in that scenario.

OP says she's a lone parent in the op