Teens been aholes while I have cancer

Outline the cost of buying in support such as a dog walker and cleaner and take it off pocket money. you need to concentrate on recovery rather than family rows.

First of all you're not being unreasonable. I found a lot of people disappointed me when I had cancer and couldn't do a damn thing to show they cared. And these were adults, who weren't affected by my diagnosis other than in a "my friend has cancer, boo hoo" kind of way.
Just another take: my two were 8 and 10 when I went through the whole treatment process and although DH and I are together, he took refuge in his work and was away a LOT that year. My DILs came to stay when I had treatment but it wasn't the same. I needed him here and he let me down and I know it added an extra level of trauma to the kids.
I know from my own experience as the kid AND the parent, when bad things happen, the kids in the family can be the last to be considered. The last to be talked to and the last to be listened to. No judgement: that's just how it rolls. It's worse when you're a teen because there is a lot more expected of you and, if you don't have that support from another adult, you can feel overwhelmed with the responsibilty of feeling you have to handle it all - plus your own emotions and anxieties. Plus, everyone seems to always be on your case because you're not pulling your weight. I wonder whether your kids - who are behaving unfairly btw, no question - are acting OUT rather than acting UP. In short, they're not dealing with things well. If Dad is out of the picture, you're their go-to parent and, due to no fault of your own, you are not the woman of steel. You are a very sick, very vulnerable person. Now most people have to deal with the fact that their parents are not superhuman but that is usually much later on. I wonder if your kids are just refusing to believe it - and it could be simply because you are capable of doing so much more during cancer treatment than popular culture thinks. You're not bedridden. You're still capable of running the household. It just gets taken for granted.
I think if counselling is on offer, than take it as a family - simply because we don't talk through these things well by ourselves and teens are especially hard and abrasive to talk to!! Get Dad involved to for the sake of his kids because they may have a few choice words to say to him and all.

Yes, I made a mistake and misread the post. What's it to you and why the attitude? You could simply have pointed out my error, I'd have thanked you and then apologized to the OP. But no, you've to make something of it. Please believe me when I tell you that I'm exercising a LOT of restraint responding to you.

What is it you don't understand about OP's opening line - "I am a lone parent"?
Why cause her more frustration and upset by an irrelevant and useless post like this?

We all know teens can be obnoxious little fuckers but THIS is outrageous.😡 As for your husband? HE needs to "man up" and grow a pair! You need to sit all FOUR of them down and state your case. Personally, I don't know how you've put up with this. I'd have blown a fucking gasket by now. I'd also frighten the life out of them by buggering off for a night or two without telling them. Oh and in future? Do absolutely NOTHING for them. No washing, drying, tidying rooms, making meals etc UNLESS they step up to the plate.

Wishing you all the best in future re illness AND family.

@thistowillpass Just seen that you've already spoken to them yourself & so has your friend. In that case, I'd be bloody furious if I was you! If they're all over 15yrs old, they're definitely all old enough to 'get it' & step up. I'd have a very harsh conversation with them - call them the selfish little twats that they're being & if nothing changes, I'd be tempted to just focus 100% on yourself & your needs & leave them to bloody fester - no shopping or cooking for them, no doing their laundry, etc. (Ask your mum/sister/friend to help with the dog.)

Absolutely this! ⬆️💗

I was going to respond but I can’t do better than this, it says it all.
Sometimes by being A star parents and catering to all the needs of our little darlings we end up with D minus kids who are selfish and entitled. They usually grow out of it when they grow up.

I think that's an awful idea

It's easier to fight over the small things when the big things are too scary to acknowledge.

I’m sorry to hear your news and you must be feeling incredibly lonely in your house with unhelpful and unsupportive children around. I would sit them down and clearly delegate their chores and explain that soon you won’t be well enough to do them and if they don’t then it won’t get done. That includes washing, cooking etc.
They need to step up and it’s going to mean them growing up more quickly from this experience too. They are entitled to be scared as you are. Inform the school to make sure they are getting the correct support and then most importantly focus on you. Rest will aid your recovery. So will less stress. They’ll soon realise that this is sadly happening to all of them not just you. I’d shy away from trying to protect them even though it’s instinctive. It’s time to be selfish. I hope you make a speedy recovery x

I toohave been through this last year one daughter at university was very empathetic as she wasn’t living at home. I think she found it slightly easier. The 17-year-old wasn’t great. I think like a lot of people have said ….its their way of coping by sticking their head in the sand. I wish I’d be more open and honest with how I was feeling with her lack of empathy, but I just didn’t have the energy to battle it out . They will soon realise you can’t do things for them like you could before your treatment. Hopefully they step up good luck with everything

Prepare a daily todo list for each of them then go do your thing, whatever that is. The list should say when these things are to be completed. You can make three lists and rotate them as needed. Don’t argue with them. When the chore list is done, spend some quality time as a family! Best of luck to you.

I have two teenage step sons. The problem is you’re asking them to do things. What you need to do is tell them to do it and lay out what happens if they don’t.

I assume they want to go out with friends, play video games and have screen time. Those are all privileges and not needs and they can be given and taken depending on behaviour.

Start setting boundaries and expectations and penalties . Set up a schedule of chores and tell them they will do them.

im really sorry to hear you have cancer, i hope you get better soon xxx

For tasks - I find with mine that talking to them is a waste of time. I write down a list of stuff I need doing as fact.
if they do it great if they don’t do it, I don’t find them: give them lifts etc. quid pro quo:
it’s sounds terrible but I find when it’s about tasks that need doing the less emotion and more short clear facts the less resistance.
eg there’s these 10 tasks that need to be done. I expect them to be done as I’m doing x,y,z. Please get them done.
emotional support is distance and different. And I would treat it differently.
But also say as little but be as transparent as possible just ‘this is a really difficult time for me, so please be aware I’m not myself and am scared’

Try disappearing for a bit to spook them into realising that would be their lives if you can’t plough all your energy into recovery.

Im
sorry to hear this - I have 2 teens (Co parent ) with their dad .
They are self centred (I’ve struggled with health issues and they give zero cares ) I
challenge them and they change / up their game for a day and that’s it !
Bo other family near either !
Are you able to perhaps get some external help (if can afford ) eg someone to walk the dog when you are going through treatment !
Make things easy for yourself - get food delivered / lower your standards eg cooking / housework
All the best x

If your teens aren't doing their own laundry, preparing their own meals, dividing up chores with a rota that they draw up (and you sign off on) and generally planning how they will support their mother, then they're failing you. Harsh, but true, don't children love their parents any more?!? Its pure luck that you're not more seriously ill and they don't seem to realise that. Children lose parents every day and your teens clearly have no idea how good they've had it. They do sound like selfish, lazy ingrates (sorry). But being a teenager is no excuse. Both my parents were in the army and I was making meals from the age of five, and looking after a younger sibling (who I hated but looked after anyway), ironing and doing laundry from the age of eight. If they're physically big enough to look after themselves, they should be. As human beings they should want to prioritise looking after their mother. They should be looking after you too, you have cancer treatment to go through and that is huge. Agree that the dog should be rehomed if they can't feed and care for it, its kinder for the dog to go to people who care enough to be responsible and loving. The school should know about your situation, just in case, but teens aren't imbeciles, they should be booking themselves in with the school counsellor. Your kids aren't babies. Tell them what you expect of them, starting with their plan to take care of themselves and you. Tell them that you're proud of them and know they can handle this. Then arrange a regular check-in dinner meeting to review plans, answer questions, share feelings etc. If you still try to 'parent on demand' it's going to be too hard for you. Best of luck with your treatment, preserve your energy as the effects of treatment are cumulative. Take care of you, sending love and support.

@Tricho Articulate, perfect, well-balanced response. I salute you!

Sit them down and tell them how you feel and that you need help. Tell them that they have a month to step up and that you will be meeting with them in a month to review.

If they don't improve in that month sit them down and give them a rota of jobs. If they don't stick to the rota and be more understanding they will be looking for alternative accommodation as soon as you are no longer legally responsible for them.

🍪

Hi op,

I am sorry for what you are going through. It is tough and to have to care for three assholes while living a stressful situation would, absolutely would make everyone boil.

Tbh if no chores were given before, I am not sure it is the best to start that now. Will kind give them the feeling that you prep them if you aren’t there because you might not be there for real… so I wouldn’t start now…no.

is there anyway that you can have a cleaner? Is anyone not knowing of a charity that helps family for practical things during these specific situations?

Good luck 🌺

My Mum had breast cancer when I was 17 (I’m late 40s now) and had major surgery. She survived it thankfully. However there were times when I was a grumpy, moody, inarticulate brat. This was mainly due to the awkwardness of not knowing how to act as I did not feel completely clear about what was going on. My parents had the habit of telling half the story and you had to fill in the blanks yourself. I was unsure and frightened and in the dark. I was being told to act a certain way and not to say certain things etc but I felt annoyed that no one was asking how I was coping and if I was ok. That may sound selfish but I was young and still needed reassurance and taking care of.

Maybe they are in denial or maybe they don’t understand the seriousness of what is happening. I would have appreciated someone being honest and open with me and allowing me to vocalise my feelings too.

I don’t know if this applies to them.

Do look after yourself and ask for help when and as you need it.

They could be scared but on the other hand if you told them youll be ok maybe they just dont consider it serious, "moms got cancer but she's going to be ok, so it dosnt affect us". Sit them down and explain, you SHOULD be ok, but to get through the treatment your going to need help, starting NOW. Explain your whole body is affected and tired and you cant cope on your own, you need their help, so that you can cope. Have you got a friend that could maybe talk to them, and explain they need to shoulder some responsibility, and help you through this?
I hope all goes well with your treatment and that kids do turn round and and say, we're here to help you mom, we just wern't thinking. (Which sometimes they dont, ignore it and it goes away, but explain it won't go away without their help)