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AIBU?

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Original poster

I did the right thing, didn’t I?

87 replies

ChocBanana · 20/10/2024 13:23

I’m a school teacher. About a month ago, I made an anonymous referral to SS about the child over the road who we hear screaming day and night. The day I reported it he was screaming “please don’t leave me! Don’t do that mummy!”

I have just had the mum knock on my door asking if it was me who reported her because SS have just been to visit. I denied it because I don’t want to cause any issues, I want her to get help. It turns out the child is SEN and often screams out with no context.

I asked the DSL at work if I should report it, he said “you must. If something happens and you didn’t it calls into question your whole career. What if it was a child here and you ignored it to keep the peace?”

I just messaged OH to tell him she’s been round and he said “serves you right for sticking your oar in.”

I did the right thing though, didn’t I? I was right to report it. Safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility.

*And before everyone jumps in to say “why didn’t you offer to help her”, don’t pretend you would have done so. I don’t know the woman and every time I have said hello she blanks me. She’s not going to ask me in to babysit.

OP posts:
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Hollietree · 21/10/2024 09:12

QuestionableMouse · 20/10/2024 13:30

Better an offended innocent family than another child dying from abuse and neglect.

Exactly this.

Your husband either has no knowledge about safeguarding children. Or he is a horrible person who doesn’t care about safeguarding children.

autienotnaughty · 21/10/2024 09:09

Definitely right to report. If there's nothing in it then the case will be clos d. If it's a family struggling then it opens door to support. If it's neglect/abuse then you potentially saved a child.

People see ss as the enemy, as getting parents in to trouble. It's bullshit ss is there for the welfare of kids.

readingismycardio · 21/10/2024 04:58

You did the right thing, based on a real and valid concern. It's not your job to establish and decide if everything is ok there, that's what SS is for.

cannynotsay · 21/10/2024 04:47

Wish the mums next door would have reported my mum. School tried. I was too young to be aware of the abuse and SS closed the case, how they didn't with all the arguments and screaming and shouting I don't understand. She even locked me outside in my underwear once

Userxyd · 21/10/2024 04:37

It feels like calling the fire brigade or ambulance to me - always better to call if you're unsure and they're happy to attend a few well intentioned false alarms rather than one call left too late.
In fact why aren't SS the 4th emergency service? They are exactly as vital yet under appreciated and under resourced.

Notcopingbutstillstanding · 21/10/2024 04:30

You did exactly the right thing.
I'd send a couple of news links to your H re some of the children who could've been saved had someone "stuck their oar in".

TheCatterall · 21/10/2024 04:05

I’m more concerned about what an arsehole your OH is… he’s just ignore what could be abuse or neglect would he? Champion of a man.

TillyKister · 21/10/2024 03:54

You absolutely did the right thing. Hopefully some good will come of it, and Mum will receive support. This can only benefit the child.

Your OH on the other hand sounds an absolute tool. So he'd happily ignore a situation where a child may be being abused?

I'd be telling him to take his oar and get rowing as far away as possible. He's not a good person with those views.

anon4net · 21/10/2024 03:20

It wasn't a one off, or 30 seconds a few times a year with a child having a tantrum. You noticed a pattern of behaviour that didn't feel okay. I think people also forget just because a child has SEN it doesn't mean they can't be abused. In fact, there are extra risk factors to abuse.

You did the right thing.

BonzoDogDooDahBand · 21/10/2024 02:05

Kickingleavesaround · 20/10/2024 14:00

Hmm I’m not so sure with this one, you are a person that could make our lives even harder at the moment.
Our Dd became very sick over the summer and developed what Drs think is Pans/pandas
Dd literally changed overnight from a happy, healthy little girl to having awful thoughts and screaming and shouting multiple times per day, The worry and upset and stress on our house has been devastating, as we scramble around desperately to get her help. When she goes into a rage, we cannot calm her down, we cannot reason with her, it’s horrific and the screaming and shouting must also sound horrific.
We are going through the worse time of our lives, to receive a visit would make things 100% harder.
Could you have knocked on the door yourself? Did you notice this child was happier/ok before? Our neighbours know our child and were used to seeing a very happy family around the neighbourhood. I would hope, have they heard us, that they would approach us if they felt worried at all and possibly try to, I don’t know, help?
I’m a teacher also.

But social services help might not be a bad thing for a Child with SEN . I know care packages are hard to get but possibly the social services knowing how bad things can be could escalate some respite care being arranged? Just as child abuse cases sometimes end in fatality, there have been cases of tragedy as a result of a parent with an SEN child unable to cope.

Or am I being naive?

TheSnugHare · 21/10/2024 00:31

DimplesToadfoot · 20/10/2024 13:54

I wish someone like you had reported my mother to Social Services when she was trying to kill me, I was already in care and this was during forced visits to her, social services didnt believe me when I told them what she was doing but they might have believed a neighbour. It took a judge in court for me to finally be heard but I'd endured over 2 years what I can only describe as torture.

You might have been saving another child who was going through what I had, you are brave and commendable and I wish there were more people out there like you sticking up for us little ones that have no one who cares about them.

I’d feel inclined to write those social workers a nasty letter about what cunts they are

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 21/10/2024 00:30

ChocBanana · 20/10/2024 23:21

Of course I don’t. I wouldn’t have reported it otherwise, would I? But it is a bit disconcerting when someone asks you outright if you reported them.

Show quote history

This will happen to you again (through work) during your career. Might as well take the opportunity to develop resilience to it. X

TheSnugHare · 21/10/2024 00:25

If their child is autistic and behaving like that then the needs they have as a disabled person aren’t being met anyway. They may have more needs than an allistic child but that doesn’t mean they aren’t needs. If she can’t meet her child’s needs it’s better you have reported it

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 21/10/2024 00:21

Of course you did. I've got a daughter with ASD who had a best friend with a teacher mother. She reported concerns to the school (long story, daughter had a very restricted TikTok account and for some reason posted something concerning if viewed out of context).

We knew it was her because of the restrictions. However we totally understood and respected that she had a professional duty to do what she did. (Awkward, mind you!)

If a child might be suffering, honestly- we should all stick our oars in. Better an innocent situation is checked out than an abusive one is ignored.

mollyfolk · 21/10/2024 00:19

You totally did the right thing. A child with SEN who is screaming day and night is still a cause for concern. Children with SEN are more likely to suffer abuse or perhaps the mother needs some support. Either way the wheels are in motion for the situation to be accessed.

Original poster
ChocBanana · 20/10/2024 23:21

RechargeableGnu · 20/10/2024 22:43

I can't believe you're a teacher and are seriously asking whether you should have reported it.

Do you think your safeguarding responsibilities end at the school gate at 3pm??

Of course I don’t. I wouldn’t have reported it otherwise, would I? But it is a bit disconcerting when someone asks you outright if you reported them.

OP posts:
saraclara · 20/10/2024 22:51

Show your husband the reports about Sara Sharif, the neighbours accounts of what they'd heard from that house for years, and what happened to her. Then ask him whether he thinks they were right not to 'stick their nose in'.

RechargeableGnu · 20/10/2024 22:43

I can't believe you're a teacher and are seriously asking whether you should have reported it.

Do you think your safeguarding responsibilities end at the school gate at 3pm??

Original poster
ChocBanana · 20/10/2024 22:40

JustWondering2024 · 20/10/2024 13:34

I can't get past a teacher saying a child is SEN. I'm not being pedantic but language DOES matter.

But moving on, yes you did the right thing.

The child might be absolutely fine, but you're not to know that.

I’ll be completely honest, I changed that sentence because originally it said he is (specific condition) but I thought it was possibly too identifying so edited it but didn’t correct the grammar. Sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocBanana · 20/10/2024 22:36

steff13 · 20/10/2024 14:01

You're a teacher, is mandated reporting not a thing there? Here (US) you'd have to report it. You wouldn't have had a choice.

Yes, it is, of course. I know I was in the right but it is disconcerting when someone asks you to your face.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChocBanana · 20/10/2024 22:32

BabyCloud · 20/10/2024 15:33

Yes it was the right thing to do. How could she have guess it was you? Have you had words before?

No, never spoken to her. But SS told her it was a neighbour. So presumably she has knocked on a few doors.

OP posts:
YellowphantGrey · 20/10/2024 15:35

Of course you did the right thing. Look at the children that have died because people didn't want to stick their nose in.

I'd rather report it and get it wrong than ignore it and wish I hadn't.

LadyLindaT · 20/10/2024 15:35

My first reaction was that the neighbours of Sara Sharif heard "gut-wrenching screams" but did not report them to anyone....

BabyCloud · 20/10/2024 15:33

Yes it was the right thing to do. How could she have guess it was you? Have you had words before?

TequilaNights · 20/10/2024 15:30

I'd rather report 1000 people for good reason and have SS visit and find everything is OK, that not report 1 and a child be abuse.

Your DH can bugger off with his attitude