To choose the high pressure job

I’ve been exactly in your shoes except hubby is awesome but worked abroad in the week.

I have done both jobs - job a and b.
Trust me - job b all day long.

The stress and potential burnout of job a as it’s isn’t sustainable isn’t worth it.

Work life balance is important and wasting 90 minutes a day is a lot. I drove that each way for many years and it did me in.

Think long term and overall what’s best for you, your family and situation. Good luck.

Job B. Having a child at school is actually a lot more work than having a younger child - in terms of time management. Homework, classroom events (sports day, meet the teacher, stay and play etc) plus the never ending school calendar (wear a hat a week on Tues etc). It is exhausting. Also have a useless partner but a low stress, well-paid job - I could not handle more on my plate.

Will something like Job A come round again (I strongly suspect it will). If yes, the B for the next few years. I’ve done exactly that and am building CV points and contacts whilst DC finish primary. I’ve been very open with recruiters that this is my approach and without exception they say that that is fine and won’t hold me back later.

Job b without s doubt.

If you haven't got a child at school yet you have no idea how difficult it is fitting in socialising and homework and days off etc.

It's nothing like nursery.

Job B all the way, and I'm super career focused OP. If job A was 30k a year more or something I'd get it but you're going to lose money and time, and gain stress? Nah. You might actually scupper your future career by going for something super ambitious at the wrong moment and crashing/burning out. Sounds like you're mid career? Come at it again in a few years.

Is job A more attractive because there's more chance of promotion therefore more money and perks etc? I would take A because I wouldn't want to settle for B. But I'm a lot older and don't have small children. If you can put in the infrastructure to allow A go for it.

You said both are the same money - does A come with a bonus?
What about in the next 5 years, will A pay more over time?

If the answer is yes to the above, I'd go for A. Sounds like if you didn't like A in 12 months time you could find another job just like B since you say you already have experience in this.

A high pressure commute is an absolute killer. And I'd worry about how forgiving an employer might be if I struggled to deliver in the role because of non-work factors especially when a new employee is very disposable - if you were to fail probation/otherwise leave not on good terms you're stuck with them as a referee for the next 5 years.

I think you feel if you take job A your dh will step up? He won't. Or he probably won't so you will be juggling even more.

Take job B. Also get DH to step up as it sounds like he does very little now then when he is doing his fair share and children are a bit older find a job A.

I’d also add red flags for me when trying to negotiate job A were them refusing to put anything in writing giving me flexibility with number of days wfh, start and finish times etc.

and when I asked the hiring manager to articulate what she saw the main aims / key achievements and outputs of the job in the first six months, she gave a very waffly response.

If you give a shit about your kids surely it would be job B, you only get this time with them once.

Your choice of course.

for me, it’s B by a country mile

Job A sounds like a recipe for a burnout. It's sounds exploitative and ulimatelly it pays less than job B, because of all the extra work and commuting. It also sounds like it's more hype than quality.

Job B would be my choice, as well as divorcing your useless husband.

Job A and negotiate for higher pay/make them pay the commute/extra day WFH. You've got two offers, so might as well use the opportunity rather than simply turn one down.

I would do job A. Sounds like you are genuinely excited about it and that helps so much.

I don't think breakfast club is a big deal.

I would have a go at negotiating with job A though - pay rise to compensate for the train fares?

I would view not WFH as a plus with a lazy DH, he will expect you to do everything if you're physically at home

I think the decision here comes with maturity.

I had the choice between a similar scenario and chose job B. In part because we knew we wanted another child which I’ve just had!

Best decision I made, no regrets. Actually listened to the advice of my parents too which I wouldn’t have done in my 20s.

Depends on whether you are wanting to end your relationship? If you are and think this will precipitate it and lead to greater financial opportunities/freedom in the future then go for it. There may be a toll on your children potentially depending if partner steps up at all. That of course is a joint responsibility but something to consider.

The “easier” choice is job B, but it’s not easy having a useless partner in any circumstances. That is your real problem.

What is it about job A you want so much? As an observer it feels like it's a fantasy - almost that you're running away to it. Blissful long commutes to read a book or have a gin on the way home. Can't be the one called into school cos you're so far away. DH forced to do stuff that you can't make him take on atm.
I would go job B
Book some counselling and a PT at the gym and leave early for those.
You sound depressed and looking for an escape so maybe a visit to the GP
💐

B. Why give yourself unnecessary stress for the same pay? And you do have to think about what’s best for the kids. Would they be ok with all the extra breakfast clubs? How soon in job A before you burn out trying to carry all the extra responsibility, dealing with a long commute every day? Job A is not the answer to your problems OP

If you turn down job A, how likely are you to find a similar job in a few years' time?
Also if you go for job A now and it doesn't work out, how easily will it be for you to walk into a job B sort of role? The answer to these two questions would influence my decision.

No option to negotiate further with job A, since you have an on paper better offer with job B?
I understand the attraction of something exciting out of the house when home sounds challenging, but couldn’t you take B and use some of the extra time/money to have nice things for you?

My career climb has also been very slow. Had kids at 25 and 35. First promotion at 32, then 33, then 41. I'm 44 and will consider my final one at 46/47 ish when youngest is at high school.

If Job A gives you much more potential for your future career, so the short term pain will be worth it, go for that. Otherwise choose B.

Job B for sure! 100%!

For the same money Job B
You sound like you're close to burnout as it is with possibly challenging times ahead. Many years ago now when my situation was similar to yours I had a job A and it was just too much, I had nothing left in the tank when I got home for my kids.