To be sick of DSD double standards

Surely it’s not the word or the attitude, but the dad abandoning her that has caused it? How else would a 15yo react?? ‘Dear Father, I find I increasingly resent your decision to only see me very occasionally, i can see you suffer from the delusion that saying ‘but WORK’ makes it all ok, but the net impact is the same- you are unable to take a parental role under the current contact model and as such I have made the decision to not regard you in a parental light. As such, go fuck yourself.’ Would that feel more appropriate?

She doesn't deserve punishment for saying 1 rude thing, her dad has done the right thing booking this for them and not holding it against her. Especially as he's him who's gone back on his agreement to have her 50/50 to suit himself and his own work. She's a teenager and that must be hard for her, good on him for still trying.

Exactly. Lone parents including myself manage to raise their kids full time. Men always use work as an excuse.

Maybe they can knock her down to holidays only. So ops sons who are devoted to her partner can have even more of him.

Not sure how you can love a man who would willingly conform 50:50 to eow to be honest and don’t say ooo but work it was impossible.

Hmm how does mum cope? How do single parents cope? Always men finding excuses why they can’t have their kids.

That poor girl. Don't you remember what 15 felt like? Don't you remember what massive pains in the arse 12 and 13 year old boys were? And your sons that she's not even related to see her dad more than she does. He's prioritised work (and probably living nearer to your kids schools etc) over having her there consistently. And as for punishing her for saying fuck, well, you've clearly never sat on a bus at 3:30 and heard how teenagers speak have you.

How would you punish use of the word fuck in a message when you don’t see your child often ? It’s very different to living with the child and being able to immediately say don’t swear in your messages to me.

Your anger is directed at the wrong person.
Your sd is behaving like your h- what did you think would happen when your h went from 50/50 to EOW? Your h is desperate to see her at any cost and doing that Disney dad thing of paying to alleviate his guilt of EOW. Sd is treating contact the way that her dad is- not a high priority and something to be fitted around more important things in their lives.

If your h is earning more because he’s working more then I understand why he’d want his kids to benefit from his increased income.

This

I think your anger is totally misplaced.

How would your kids feel if they suddenly only saw you EOW because you decided you wanted to work?

Why is it a bad attitude though? The father doesn’t prioritise seeing her so she doesn’t want to see him? Seems like a pretty fair response emotionally. Actions have consequences, seeing your teen significantly less will most likely result in a negative effect on the relationship.
It’s not a bad attitude for the dad to prioritise work over his children but it’s a bad attitude for the child to feel badly over it?

When he reduced the contact to one weekend in a fortnight, he kind of signed up for this.

Can he add one evening a week him meeting with his children (preferably without you)?

YABU to be annoyed about him trying to reconnect even through Disney parenting.
YANBU to re-evaluate, whether the overall situation works for you.

But the 'attitude behind it' has been caused entirely by her father choosing to drop down from seeing her 3.5 days per week to 1 day. His house is no longer her home. Most people want to spend Christmas at home. So 'her attitude being it', whilst not being articulated perfectly, is entirely valid.

Assume it's his house as you would have to pack your boys and leave?

He should take his children to whatever it is his daughter has asked to go to but he already had plans with you, he's shown you that you don't matter. He didn't even bother to discuss that your plans would need to be changed.

He doesn't consider the family blended. Just leave him.

I think your expectations for punishment are over the top for a 15 year old saying a bad word once.

Surely it’s not the word but the attitude behind it that needs to be addressed?

He hasn't seen her since June? It's October!

Well that's what you get for sticking up for her when she swore him and he wanted to deal with it. Why complain then when he bought her the tickets. She sounds awful but that's his child and he should deal with it.

Blending families is hard and yes I think you are a little here - you reduced contact due to his work schedule you must have expected that to have an impact on their relationship

15 year old girls are hard work in general add this to the mix and it’s is going to be tough

and he is not your boys father

This with bells on. Poor kids.
YABVU

Fuck. Fucking. Fucked. They aren't magic words, it won't do any harm if you write them down. Or even, if you say them. Not even if you're under 21.

She's made a suggestion of a time/place which might make seeing her father acceptable to her. He's responded positively. It's going well so far, so don't interfere.

I’d love to hear your dsd’s side of things. She is acting out because she’s hurt. The behaviour doesn’t need punishing. It needs understanding, time, effort, to break barriers down and rebuild the relationship with her dad… but he’s not going to get that doing eow.

A 15 year old girl is miles away developmentally from a 12/13 year old boy and girls are tricker in general than boys. No she hasn’t acted well. Your dh has acted worse abandoning her like this. It sounds as if he needs to make some serious amends and love bomb her.

Indeed. What if DSD's mum decided she wanted to work abroad and dropped both kids off at the OP's house?

It's a very male thing to think that you don't have to fit your job around your kids. And men have really done a number on women with the amount of women who apparently accept this as an unwritten truth.

Your kids see their stepdad every day, his biological kids see their dad two days out of 14. No wonder she's upset, she's bound to feel rejected. Let your husband do what he feels best about his own daughter, don't make him feel guilty about wanting to spend time with her. I think you need to grow up, you sound as if you resent him spending time with his own kids. Surely, your own kids have some sort of relationship with their biological dad? Blended families take patience and understanding and for the adults not to feel jealous and resentful. I think you're being very unreasonable.

I think it's pretty bad for him to drop his contact hours so drastically. When you have them, do they spend some alone time with your DH or is it always with your DC too?

It's obviously bad for your DSD to swear, but i am not sure how you don't see that they are hurt by being dropped?

How your DC interact and spend time with your DH is not really relevant here.

She is 15 not an adult. I am sure she would like her father to prioritise her relationship. Surely you can see that?

As a mother I made career choices to ensure I have time with my children. I am sure he doesn't work 24/7.

She could spend time in the evening, share meals, go for a run together etc. you make time and share it as a family, hardly earth scattering?

Well, she lives with her mum?
Would she want to hang aorund OPs place with her dad absent because of work with just OP and her step-sibling?

And yes, the 50/50 to EOW is huge drop and no matter how it has been presented, will feel like a rejection.
It just will.
Meanwhile your boys, whoever they are, get him full time.