To be sick of DSD double standards

It sounds like DSD is aware that she’s not his priority and is acting accordingly.

YABU to expect anything different tbh!

I wish I had boundaries like this. Instead I let my dad and my step mum treat me like I was unimportant for 3 decades before I lost my shit.

It's a fact of life sadly that parents actually have to work pretty grotty shifts at times and they can't just move careers/jobs at the drop of a hat. Finances do often have to come before family life - pretty sure a lot of parents hate putting their little ones into nurseries for their formative years but that's life. It's yet another example of a child behaving badly and getting away with it. I often wonder if people giving out all this great advice have actually experienced these situations themselves.

The poor girl is probably hurting, confused and angry, OP. Have a little sympathy.

She's bound to act out.

She has to put up with her father married with a woman who is not her mother. Have some pity

I’m not speculating though, the daughter went from 50/50 time with her mother and father and now the only time her dad wanted her was EOW because of “work”. Those are the facts from the OP, absolutely no speculation needed.

She’s clearly hurting or feeling rejected. This is for your DH to sort though but it would be good for him to consider spending some quality time with her whilst she still wants him too.

As for your children of course they come second to her and her brother. They have their own dad. That doesn't mean she gets to be rude to them but you really can’t compare the relationships.

I agree with everyone else, but on another note, why does he refuse to come for dinner with you and your sons?

@Hater8412 what are you actually angry about because I can’t actually tell

And you’re fooling no one regarding the other thread. It was quite obviously you.

You are flogging a dead horse here op because you’re never going to understand the damage this decision your oh made has caused his daughter. He chose his work over spending time with his own children, yet lives with children who aren’t his. If my husband had children from a previous relationship, I’d be utterly disgusted with him if he made his job a priority over them. It’d show me exactly what sort of person he was.
You just don’t get it though. He’s now desperate to preserve what tatters of a relationship he has with her by indulging her, which obviously upsets you. This isn’t going to improve because you have no compassion for a child who hasn’t chosen any of this, yet bears the brunt of the fallout.

I actually agree with this in general. Most of the time step mums get spoken to horribly on here and are treated really unfairly by posters who clearly have an axe to grind.

But in this case, I think some acknowledgment is necessary of the impact that the father’s decision to downgrade his children in his list of priorities will have had. And it doesn’t seem to be forthcoming from the OP.

Tell me I've no emotional intelligence without telling me I've no emotional intelligence.

Behaviour is communication. A 15 year old has literally been dumped in favour of work. Whist simultaneously seeing her father prioritise other children.

🤦‍♀️

Mumsnet heads up … you are a step parent and this is a stepchild so therefore you are wrong for everything , at every point . Know your place OP, that’s the bottom of the pile .

Agree.

But still not the OP's place to demand he do things differently here, especially after cutting contact with her so severely for his job. If OP doesn't like it, she should leave.

It sounds like all the children are being failed here. Your oh has voluntarily chosen to reduce contact. He refuses to spend family time with your children. You blame the child not your oh. Oh dear...

How long have you been together? Have the children been on previous holidays before? Have you spoken to them all about how they feel about this bizarre blended family setup?

Unacceptable behaviour from any 15 year old towards her dad (or indeed her mum were it the case). Excuses should not be made. Good behaviour should be rewarded, bad ones have consequences.

Because then they would have to accept their part in it. So it's better to blame the child for it.

Or it's like how narcissists get angry at you when you confront them with the hurt they have caused. But the OP and her DH would have to have feelings for that.

Amazing.

There is another poster out there in an identical situation to you who is also missing 'the' definite article.

You don't have to grasp it. She's not your daughter, she's his, and he's trying to maintain a relationship with her after literally dumping seeing her most of the time for his job. Her mum doesn't have that luxury. And I imagine you weren't stepping up in your household to ensure the 50/50 continued? (Which is your choice, 100%, but choices have consequences.)

At the end of the day, OP, YOUR sons are not HIS sons. He has his own 2 children he needs to parent and work to maintain a relationship with, even through the tricky teenage years. You really have no right to be upset that he's prioritising his daughter over your sons for a 'holiday' she wants to go on because it's literally his job as a parent to prioritise his daughter over your sons.

YABU

It quite clearly is.

No-one will ever convince me that every other weekend is enough contact to have with your child. I do not believe that seeing your child for 2 days out of 14 is enough to be an active parent, fully involved in your kids life.

And especially when this comes about after having 50/50 contact and the parent is now living with 2 similar aged step children, as is the situation in the op.

But thats just my opinion.

I do think the daughter needs to be cut some slack and have some understanding as to why she may be acting out.

Does EWO mean every other weekend? "DH work schedule him and his ex agreed it wasn’t working for children so now we have EOW plus holidays etc." Why should the kid NOT be rude to her dad, who is happy only to see her every other weekend? She is obviously unimportant to him.

And how does that give their mum a break?

The ex may well have been perfectly happy about it. You can find loads of threads on here by posters distraught at the prospect of a 50/50 split.

But either way, it doesn’t change the fact that the children are likely to be feeling extremely rejected and deprioritised in favour of their dad’s job. It’s understandable that they’ll be testing boundaries to try to get their father’s affection, attention and money now that he’s made it clear that they don’t have his time.