How long to calm down after an argument

Having space is ok and perfectly acceptable. Thus, it may be several weeks before I contact a friend. However, if there has been an issue or argument on last interaction it needs to be resolved asap. It should be recognised by both that the air needs to be cleared and to not do so may be stressful for one or both. I wouldn’t blame OP if she thinks her friend is too much like hard work and doesn’t bother with her again.

I was in this situation a while ago op - my friend of 35 years and l had a major disagreement - both sets of feelings were valid but we had to decide if it was worth losing a friendship over. I was never going to grovel and told her she could have all the time in the world that she needed and l would be there if she wanted me to be. Left her to it and she came back. Sometimes people need time

@spanieleyes22 Is this the same friend you had a thread about a few days ago, or is this a different friend?

I have been in this situation. I gave her all the space she needed. So far it's been about 13 years of space. She never contacted me again because she expected me to go grovelling to her (even though she was actually in the wrong) and I just couldn't be bothered with her princessy ways any more.

I suggest you do the same OP. People like this are hard work and not worth it.

I have seen plenty of threads on here where advice is step back and take a couple of weeks to think about what you want from this relationship. So I wouldn't necessarily think you are being given the silent treatment or your friend is being controlling. She has asked for space let her have it.

I work full time, have a husband, kids, pet, a good friend in hospital who is a single parent so am helping out there, a parent undergoing surgery next week, my own chronic health conditions… me taking longer to get back to a friend, a friend I’m upset with, wouldn’t be silent treatment - it would simply be that I just didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with something according to someone else’s timeframe.

Perhaps she is being petty or controlling, but it really hadn’t been that long. Take a step back, decide what your boundaries are and wait and see what happens.

Well sometimes, the length of time needed to process is so long that the other decides you are too high maintenance and sulky to bother with you. I’m certain you will have already experienced this in your life that people don’t accept your protestations at face value and make their own mind up.

Of course the other part is that when one takes ages to process, they then expect the other to not engage with the actual issue, which inevitably never gets discussed.

So actually there is no “jumping to conclusions” at all. There is years or even decades of being in the shitty end of this stick.

3 days

They would be dead to me. Honestly, just block.

I hate it when people jump to the conclusion that having space is purposefully giving someone the silent treatment. I am a slow processor and I'm entitled to have spave and distance to process my thoughts before I talk about them. It's got nothing to do with me trying to inflict anything on another person, it's to do with me needing the time.

Depends on what you were arguing about...what was said by whom etc?

This happened to a friend of mine. She had a lifelong friend but they had a ding dong...on the surface, no biggie really but when she sat and thought of all the times this friend of hers had been (genuinely) out of order, she decided enough was enough. It was a kind of 'straw that broke the camels back' kind of scenario.

My friend took a few days to process what happened during the ding dong, what her friend had said at the time and her overall behaviour, because she was in shock over what had happened...whilst not a 'big event or massive shouty argument at the time, she was floored by her friends behaviour and it took sometime to unravel how she felt.

So yeah, it all depends on what was said really and over what. 🤷‍♀️

Ok, this is not your friend. No one should be treating any one like this. They are being dishonest and manipulative. Has this behaviour not put you off this friendship? So disrespectful and immature of this person. Do they treat all their other friends like shit, as well?

Depends what the argument was about really. If it something trivial then people will obviously come around quicker than if you were to of betrayed someone badly. Just because you are sorry and want to move on doesn’t mean the other person should be ready

I wouldn’t expect to be in daily communication with a friend, so I would think a few days/week for some space is not unreasonable.

Depends on the argument. Was it started by you? Did it involve you sharing how their behaviour made you feel?

Hard to know without knowing what the argument was about

Is it possible you may have hurt them so much that they are still really upset and this is nothing to do with control just them thinking over what's been said ?
Just because you may be over it in a couple of hours doesn't mean they are or ever will be .
This isn't bullying its someone possibly feeling some of the many emotions felt after an argument.
Face the fact your friendship may be over and give them space and back off.

It really depends on what you were arguing about. Something trivial should be anything from 15 minutes to an hour max. Something significant could take a few days. Whatever her reason, you should give her time whilst considering whether or not you think this friendship is sustainable. If it’s your first argument with a long term friendship then I would be inclined to be more forgiving. Focus on what you want the end result to be.

Keeping you dangling on a thread waiting for them to deign to talk to you again, is controlling.

Are they always like that? Are they worth the hassle?

I'd be thinking - blow that, take as long as you like, hopefully a few millennia.

that said, it would be helpful to know more about the argument. If it's an ongoing disagreement, where there's an impasse and no way forward, that can feel frustrating and futile. If it's a petty disagreement that's a completely different matter.

It still shouldn’t take days.
Even if OP was completely to blame and behaved very badly, the other person can reflect and decide what to do about it and either tell OP they want nothing more to do with them or discuss it like an adult. This should happen same day as argument.

This sounds like silent treatment as a control tactic. It’s a form of bullying.

Forget the argument, OP. You have to decide now what you want to do about their bullying.

I think more context is needed. Why did you apologise? Did you do something wrong or was it more that they were upset and you didn't mean them to get upset? If you are losing sleep over it, it sounds like you are feeling very anxious about leaving something unresolved. I think a lot would depend on whether this person does reach out to resolve things at some point. If they do, then maybe they were very upset and needed time to process things. if they never take steps to resolve things then maybe it's more controlling. It's hard to say on so little information and sometimes you can't really know until the whole thing has played out. I do think you need to manage your own anxiety and give this person some time. If it was a partner I would say differently- it ought to be discussed sooner. But for a friend I don't think it's unreasonable to give them a few weeks.

15 minutes tops.

What was said?

It depends what the argument was about, can you give us the gist of it?

It really depends what the argument was about.

You can't pressure someone to feel ready on your timescales.

You have to let them work it out, while you simultaneously work out how you feel about that.