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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to visit a hospital ward filled with Covid?

79 replies

Donm999 · 19/10/2024 21:37

So elderly DM went into hospital last weekend. She’s in general poor health, doesn’t look after herself at all, but nothing to the point of life threatening (although no doubt one day it will be!).

I work full time, have a small child and live about a 40 minute drive away. Have phoned every day, sorted stuff out for her on demand (spent an hour on the phone last night trying to sort out hospital tv!) and went down Sunday and Weds. When I arrive Weds I’m told she has contracted Covid and she and her whole ward have got it. I go in with mask on but only stay a few minutes.

Fast forward to today; just had upsetting phone call with DM who has said she has ‘nobody’, that other people are visiting and sitting with their relatives, that people (me) should be visiting regardless. When I challenged this I was told my attitude was ‘disgusting’. I eventually ended the call.

I am now sitting in between feeling guilty and upset and pissed off and, to be honest, unloved by her. These are not new feelings as it is a very difficult relationship; it is always all about her and I often only feature as her scapegoat/flunky. I will put serious money on the fact my brother will not have received this call.

To add context - despite how I feel I would have gone down today out of duty. However, I feel spending an hour on a ward filled with Covid - even with a mask on - presents a high risk of contracting it. I’ve had Covid about 4 times now, and each time it’s taken me a good month to get over (longer the first couple of times). My husband has been the same (who I would likely pass it onto). To me, the risk does not feel ok for me or my family for what would be a nicety for my mum. And if the situations were reversed I would absolutely be telling people not to visit me! However, my DM doesn’t seem to give 2 figs.

As the icing on the cake - it’s my birthday this week and were due to go away next weekend - all of which will be nicely cancelled by Covid if I get it!

YABU - Covid's not even a thing now, no one gets that ill so ‘man up’ and visit
YANBU - Stay away!!!! (And ignore your clearly narcissistic mother!).

OP posts:
Freeyourminds · 20/10/2024 09:07

Blanketyre · 20/10/2024 08:57

OK. I wouldn't send a snippy text to someone elderly, alone and ill, but you must do whatever you feel is best.

It wasn’t a snippy message.

Blanketyre · 20/10/2024 08:57

OK. I wouldn't send a snippy text to someone elderly, alone and ill, but you must do whatever you feel is best.

Original poster
Donm999 · 20/10/2024 08:32

Thanks for the messages. Glad most think I'm not BU. I can see how someone who isn’t really ill with covid wouldn’t get it.

As update: DM messaged me this morning saying how disgusting the medicine she just had is. This is the usual form; she’s awful and then just completely ignores that and we’re expected to pretend it never happened.

Probably done the wrong thing but sent her this message today:
I'm still really upset about our talk last night. You know I would have visited this weekend if not for Covid and have called you every day, sorted stuff out etc. Being told I'm not doing anything for you is not fair.
I've had covid 4 times and every time I'm really ill for at least a month. So is (DH) who I would pass it onto. Some people don't get very ill so may be happy to visit. Masks reduce risk by about 50% but don't get rid of it. Also if I get it I won't be able to help you once u get home.
Just wanted to explain as got yelled at when I tried yesterday.

No reply yet. She will probably just ignore it!

OP posts:
bitsalty · 20/10/2024 08:27

Putting aside the difficult relationship dynamics, I wouldn't be visiting a ward full of patients with Covid.

I'm fully vaccinated and healthy but Covid has really knocked me when I've had it before and the reports of the current strain are awful and people are getting really unwell. This has come from a Dr friend as well as the media.

So I'd say whatever the circumstances it's ok to say you can't visit at the moment.

She is absolutely using those well rehearsed strategies to make you feel guilty and get you there. Some of it will be for appearances as others have said and also to reinforce that control and power she has because she knows it's slipping.

Covid or not, it's ok to say no I'm not visiting. This is a chance for you to think about what your boundaries and limits are in the future. When her care needs increase so will that sense of guilt and duty.

How much can you do and protect yourself emotionally? The honest answer might be nothing or not much. That's ok, it really is.

I've had a toxic parent and I made a firm decision that I was not able to be involved in their care at all and I stuck to that.
I was judged and people tried to make me feel guilty but I was secure in my decision. Health and social care will also want to reel you into providing support but you don't have to. It's not your job, it's not your responsibility.

Twiglets1 · 20/10/2024 06:25

I’m like you @Donm999 if I was in a ward full of people with Covid I would be telling people not to visit.

Vaccinated people can still catch COVID just normally not as badly. Nevertheless, it’s not a virus you want to be catching if you can help it, especially as you have plans to go away next weekend.

I would be telling my brother Mum feels lonely in case he wants to help. But equally would respect his views if he’s reluctant to walk into a Covid ward too.

MumChp · 20/10/2024 06:22

YANBU

LoafofSellotape · 20/10/2024 06:14

AgileGreenSeal · 19/10/2024 23:18

Very, very ill with the jab or without?

Show quote history

With the jab and boosters.

Chasqui · 20/10/2024 04:30

AgileGreenSeal · 19/10/2024 22:45

What is the point of the jabs though? Surely a vaccination is meant to make you immune or something?

Show quote history

Fewer people die.

Maria1979 · 20/10/2024 01:59

@Donm999 "Oh, but mum you wouldn't want your daughter and then your GD to contract Covid do you? Oh, you do. Well, I don't so I won't be visiting until it's covidfree at hospital and you will be out of there anyway. If you are really lifethreatening sick they will call me and ofcourse I will come. Be nicer to the nurses than you are to me, they have sharp needles and are not as worn down by your nasty behavior as I am. Ta-da!"

Freeyourminds · 20/10/2024 01:22

AgileGreenSeal · 19/10/2024 22:34

Have you not had the jabs? 🤔

Surely, everyone knows by now, you can see get covid, even if you’re fully vaccinated.

Original poster
Donm999 · 19/10/2024 23:48

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 19/10/2024 23:31

Did you say you had children of your own?

Yep, a five year old. Who I would not dream of taking anywhere near the ward - despite her so far being no more than mildly ill with Covid on any of the occasions. I guess that’s how you should feel when it’s your child…lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donm999 · 19/10/2024 23:47

80Katy · 19/10/2024 23:01

People need to understand what covid does to some of us.

I've had all jabs.

I've had covid 4 times.

So I can't get any more "immunity".

It really takes me down. I am in bed/sofa for about a week, after which I take up to 8 weeks to recover properly. My brother ended up in ICU with it (triple jabbed) and nearly died.

It is appalling for your mother to ask you to go onto a ward with loads of covid, given that she knows you suffer with it.

Covid is very much "a thing" for some of us. If it isn't a thing for you, then congratulations. But it is for the OP. Her mother is awful.

Yep, if it was just a sniffle for me I’d just crack on.

First covid took me 3-4 months to recover from. Last one I’d say 2-3 weeks of feeling really rough and wiped out, then another 2-3 weeks to get back to ‘normal’.

The wider issue is the ‘snowball effect’; the last 2 winters the covid bout in autumn has triggered off some low immunity, meaning I then pick up another bug before fully recovered, followed by another and another until the whole winter is an illness write off. I kid you not; I calculated that between Oct and March last year I was literally ill for 50% of the time. Most of which I was ‘carrying on’ with day to day life just feeling like crap physically and mentally!

My husband was similar and we both vowed this year to do everything we ‘reasonably’ could to minimise contagion risks.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 19/10/2024 23:46

Stay away. You have the right not to catch an illness that could make you or your family very ill. The fact that your mother can't or won't see this is very sad; but it seems fairly in character from what you've said?

AgileGreenSeal · 19/10/2024 23:43

Sometimeswinning · 19/10/2024 23:36

No not always. Some do. Some help with the symptoms. If you’ve had a really bad case of Covid after the jab then you can bet without the jab you’d be in a far worse place.

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Really? I saw a post here from someone who has had them all and had had it 4 times really badly. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sometimeswinning · 19/10/2024 23:36

AgileGreenSeal · 19/10/2024 22:45

What is the point of the jabs though? Surely a vaccination is meant to make you immune or something?

Show quote history

No not always. Some do. Some help with the symptoms. If you’ve had a really bad case of Covid after the jab then you can bet without the jab you’d be in a far worse place.

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 19/10/2024 23:31

Did you say you had children of your own?

Rosejasmine · 19/10/2024 23:26

If Covid still makes you really unwell, definitely avoid the ward.

I’ve had it 3 times now- the third time thankfully I had hardly any symptoms so I’m not scared of it now (DH just has cold symptoms with covid now). If it still made me really ill (was bloody awful the first 2 times) I’d avoid it and definitely not visit a Covid filled ward!

Blanketyre · 19/10/2024 23:21

80Katy · 19/10/2024 23:01

People need to understand what covid does to some of us.

I've had all jabs.

I've had covid 4 times.

So I can't get any more "immunity".

It really takes me down. I am in bed/sofa for about a week, after which I take up to 8 weeks to recover properly. My brother ended up in ICU with it (triple jabbed) and nearly died.

It is appalling for your mother to ask you to go onto a ward with loads of covid, given that she knows you suffer with it.

Covid is very much "a thing" for some of us. If it isn't a thing for you, then congratulations. But it is for the OP. Her mother is awful.

But you must realise you are absolutely the minority - taking months to get over it? Most people just want to get on with their lives.

Blanketyre · 19/10/2024 23:20

I wouldn't give a monkeys about Covid but I would not want to visit someone who was so grumpy and difficult.

AgileGreenSeal · 19/10/2024 23:18

LoafofSellotape · 19/10/2024 23:14

No,it boosts your immune system so you don't get it as badly without. I was very ,very ill ,it was horrendous.

Show quote history

Very, very ill with the jab or without?

BashfulClam · 19/10/2024 23:18

My mother in hospital has Covid so has been moved. The problem is she has dementia and don’t bloody stay in the special ward. I visited with a mask on and helped her to the loo.i can’t afford to get Covid as I have been off work twice this year and another absence instantly triggers the absence improvement policy. I have been off once in 4 years then twice this year 😭

Devillishlooloo · 19/10/2024 23:17

If it were me, I’d avoid that ward like the plague.

LoafofSellotape · 19/10/2024 23:14

AgileGreenSeal · 19/10/2024 22:45

What is the point of the jabs though? Surely a vaccination is meant to make you immune or something?

Show quote history

No,it boosts your immune system so you don't get it as badly without. I was very ,very ill ,it was horrendous.

80Katy · 19/10/2024 23:01

People need to understand what covid does to some of us.

I've had all jabs.

I've had covid 4 times.

So I can't get any more "immunity".

It really takes me down. I am in bed/sofa for about a week, after which I take up to 8 weeks to recover properly. My brother ended up in ICU with it (triple jabbed) and nearly died.

It is appalling for your mother to ask you to go onto a ward with loads of covid, given that she knows you suffer with it.

Covid is very much "a thing" for some of us. If it isn't a thing for you, then congratulations. But it is for the OP. Her mother is awful.

PickAChew · 19/10/2024 22:56

AgileGreenSeal · 19/10/2024 22:45

What is the point of the jabs though? Surely a vaccination is meant to make you immune or something?

Show quote history

It just gives your immune system a head start.