Apparently I’m a c*#t

Newbie986 · 2024-10-19T20:16:04+00:00

My partner plays sport and won a big game today. I went to the game, cheered them on and celebrated with them immediately after the game. We then returned home and my partner got ready to go out to the pub with team mates. The original plan was that I would go out later to meet them to celebrate. I wanted to leave her have some time celebrating with her teammates and not have to worry about me as it is her local pub and I’m new to the area. When getting ready to leave she decided she wanted me to go immediately with her incase not everyone was there. I declined, reassured her that plenty of her teammates, coaches etc would be already there and said I would pop down later. She saw red and called me a c*#t twice and said she hated me. This isn’t the first time and there’s never an apology for any outbursts, only if I didn’t do x, y or z it wouldn’t have happened or she might say a few days later, if you weren’t so moody! I getting to a point where I’m at my wits end.

XChrome · 20/10/2024 23:09

Rubixcoobe · 20/10/2024 21:50

Tell me about it. I apologised because he was gaslighting me and I was deeply manipulated.

i didn’t realise it at the time but he was stonewalling me and then when I lost my temper, accusing me of being abusive. ( I believe it’s called reactive abuse).

i do deserve an apology but ill never get one- he never said sorry once during our 5 year marriage.

wanted to add my experience to give an example where someone deserves to be called a c**t- it’s very far from OP’s situation

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I'm sorry he did that to you. Bastard. It's good that he's gone.

Rubixcoobe · 20/10/2024 21:50

XChrome · 20/10/2024 20:31

You apologized? Why?
He deserved it. He deserved worse than that, actually.

Show quote history

Tell me about it. I apologised because he was gaslighting me and I was deeply manipulated.

i didn’t realise it at the time but he was stonewalling me and then when I lost my temper, accusing me of being abusive. ( I believe it’s called reactive abuse).

i do deserve an apology but ill never get one- he never said sorry once during our 5 year marriage.

wanted to add my experience to give an example where someone deserves to be called a c**t- it’s very far from OP’s situation

XChrome · 20/10/2024 20:31

Rubixcoobe · 20/10/2024 20:02

I called my ExH a c**t once in anger.

But it was as our marriage was breaking down, he’d been having an affair ( at the time I’d found out about it ) and I had been trying to make it work for our kids sake.

He was stonewalling me, and refusing to let me speak so I lost my temper and called him a c**t.

i felt awful about it and apologised profusely.

I’m saying this because your situation sounds very different indeed.

You apologized? Why?
He deserved it. He deserved worse than that, actually.

StrongandNorthern · 20/10/2024 20:06

Just walk away from this - as soon as possible.

Rubixcoobe · 20/10/2024 20:02

I called my ExH a c**t once in anger.

But it was as our marriage was breaking down, he’d been having an affair ( at the time I’d found out about it ) and I had been trying to make it work for our kids sake.

He was stonewalling me, and refusing to let me speak so I lost my temper and called him a c**t.

i felt awful about it and apologised profusely.

I’m saying this because your situation sounds very different indeed.

XChrome · 20/10/2024 19:43

Newbie986 · 20/10/2024 10:07

@AndThereSheGoes Waiting to hear why you couldn't have gone to the pub with her first thing when she asked you for support.
Because she wasn’t looking for support. She just didn’t want to walk in alone. I knew her teammates and locals that she knows very well would be there. My partner is not by any means shy or reserved and I have no doubt she was absolutely fine for the night.

Regardless of whether I was right or wrong I don’t feel it warranted that reaction. I have been in situations myself where support was needed and one in particular that was life changing and I did not have the support from my partner. She openly admits this and says it’s just the way she was brought up. As tough as it was going through it and not having support, I never once called her a c*#t!

By the sound of it she makes a lot of excuses for her selfish and abusive behavior.
Ignore people who say you should have gone with her. You're certainly not obligated to go everywhere she wants you to go.
She isn't a good person, OP. There is no excuse for the way she treats you.

CharlotteLucas3 · 20/10/2024 12:16

She's probably got bpd/eupd or is a covert narc....they're pretty similar.

AndThereSheGoes · 20/10/2024 11:46

Also if they weren't capable support you with something life changing in your life you probably have chosen someone incompatible.

AndThereSheGoes · 20/10/2024 11:35

There's usually two sides is my point.

Because she wasn’t looking for support. She just didn’t want to walk in alone.

Yeah that's support. She's actually asked if you could walk in as a couple so she's not alone. That's not unreasonable whatever you think. Of course she'd be fine but she'd also be fine if you didn't cook or go to the game too wouldn't she.

Seems weird you wouldn't go when she needed you but you would be happy rock up halfway through. I understand you not being a pub person but from your post it doesn't appear she was expecting you stay the whole time.

I wouldn't stay with someone that aggressive tbh. Clearly the dynamics between you doesn't work for either party.

BustyLaRoux · 20/10/2024 10:30

Newbie986 · 20/10/2024 10:07

@AndThereSheGoes Waiting to hear why you couldn't have gone to the pub with her first thing when she asked you for support.
Because she wasn’t looking for support. She just didn’t want to walk in alone. I knew her teammates and locals that she knows very well would be there. My partner is not by any means shy or reserved and I have no doubt she was absolutely fine for the night.

Regardless of whether I was right or wrong I don’t feel it warranted that reaction. I have been in situations myself where support was needed and one in particular that was life changing and I did not have the support from my partner. She openly admits this and says it’s just the way she was brought up. As tough as it was going through it and not having support, I never once called her a c*#t!

You don’t need to defend yourself. Don’t know why you’re being given a hard dime by this poster. You supported your partner all day. She turned on you for no reason. Concentrate on extricating yourself from this horrible relationship xx

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/10/2024 10:22

I agree with others that you should get out of the relationship- she sounds absolutely toxic.

Polkad · 20/10/2024 10:17

It may take time OP, but get out of this situation as soon as possible.
She is abudive and will only get worse.
Street angel, house devil.

Focus on planning the move.
Tell her nothing until it is done.
Be brave, you will bitterly regret not taking action.

Original poster

Newbie986 · 20/10/2024 10:07

@AndThereSheGoes Waiting to hear why you couldn't have gone to the pub with her first thing when she asked you for support.
Because she wasn’t looking for support. She just didn’t want to walk in alone. I knew her teammates and locals that she knows very well would be there. My partner is not by any means shy or reserved and I have no doubt she was absolutely fine for the night.

Regardless of whether I was right or wrong I don’t feel it warranted that reaction. I have been in situations myself where support was needed and one in particular that was life changing and I did not have the support from my partner. She openly admits this and says it’s just the way she was brought up. As tough as it was going through it and not having support, I never once called her a c*#t!

OP posts:

Original poster

Newbie986 · 20/10/2024 09:21

@AndThereSheGoes What was the problem with showing support when she actually wanted it? I spent my day supporting her, cooking, going to the game, cheering her on etc. How do you know when someone actually wants support when they are frequently asking things of you?

Regarding the pub and waiting until it warmed up. Sorry that’s not me. I’m not a pub person, especially when it comes to spending 7 hours there. However, I do go regularly with my partner to support her, as it’s something she likes to do.

OP posts:

AndThereSheGoes · 20/10/2024 09:04

People have said to me she we’ve met that she’s so happy and a different person. I just can’t get my head around it

Possibly you, do you think?

Waiting to hear why you couldn't have gone to the pub with her first thing when she asked you for support.

BustyLaRoux · 20/10/2024 09:01

Newbie986 · 19/10/2024 22:35

@BustyLaRoux I’m sorry you went through this. I hope you are both doing well.

It’s fine. We are fine. I am also ADHD and fortunately know how to manage her as she learns to navigate the world. But my point is that if she is ND and hasn’t been parented in a way that means she develops into an empathetic and well rounded person then her childlike tantrumy behaviour just isn’t going to change. Perhaps evidenced by the fact she’s done this before and not been apologetic afterwards. Whatever the root cause she isn’t changing. You deserve better and I think you know that. You’re experiencing abuse and it is scary to leave someone in this circumstances but it will be much harder once you have kids and a mortgage and your self confidence is on the floor from years of being treated like this. 🫂

Marine30 · 20/10/2024 09:00

The minute anyone called me that word I’d be out the door so fast…

BustyLaRoux · 20/10/2024 08:55

Lavenderblossoms · 19/10/2024 22:29

I'm sorry your daughter does this but she is only 9.

I'm an adult ADHD female and I do not treat people like this.

Being ND does not mean that you get to be abusive people. I'm excluding your daughter because of her age but as you age, like anyone else, you become aware of others, their feelings and consequences. You mature.

This woman is just abusive. ND or not.

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Indeed. That was my point. I am also ADHD, but I don’t behave like that. All ND people are different. The behaviour OP described reminded me of my ADHD daughter when she was 9. That isn’t me speculating that ALL people with ADHD behave like this. Climb down….

AndThereSheGoes · 20/10/2024 08:21

It will do you both a favour if you walk.

She clearly felt let down by you given there was no real reason you couldn't have gone with her at the start. What was the problem with showing support when she actually wanted it?
Sounds like you wanted to go after it had warmed up and you could cramp her style by gracing the pub with your presence to me.

121Diet · 20/10/2024 01:00

She is an abusive cunt, winter change, ever, your life is miserable with her. Leave. You will regret giving her all the chances you'll end up giving her.

duc748 · 20/10/2024 00:56

thistimelastweek · 19/10/2024 21:26

No-one who loves me has ever called me a cunt.

This.

Errahstop · 20/10/2024 00:48

Your partner called you a cut. Tell her to get fuced.

Drewner · 20/10/2024 00:37

Newbie986 · 19/10/2024 21:56

@Purplethursdays123 yes previous outbursts have lead me to do some reading and I feel it gets to a point where behaviours aren’t going to change. It just baffles me as no one would believe she is like this. People have said to me she we’ve met that she’s so happy and a different person. I just can’t get my head around it

Have you heard of a Jekyll and Hyde character?

XChrome · 20/10/2024 00:33

Attelina · 19/10/2024 21:45

Uncontrolled aggression and raging over trivial things signals she is volatile and unsayable and you are at risk of the verbal aggression turning into physical violence.

You'll be walking on eggshells or doing things just to keep the peace if you stay with her.

100%

XChrome · 20/10/2024 00:32

This is part of a pattern such verbal abuse, you say? Then please drop her like a hot rock. She's controlling as well as abusive. When she doesn't get her way, she's vicious.
This will only get worse.