This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

Please tell me you’re joking. Do not do pay anything towards a house for her. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet instead of expecting everyone to fund her!!

Wow.

What else should he be paying for?!

You seem to be the one suffering and it’s not fair. I had a similar thing with parents and one sibling and they refused to stop handing over dosh so the sibling got all the money, no complaining and I got no money and and a world of pain for months / years on end. I had to stop talking to them for a while as they wouldn’t stop complaining or do anything about it.

You've offered
But not gone ahead and actually spoken to him.

Your friend seems to be refusing any kind of help from her friends that's sent her way, except taking money, she's OK with taking their money.

What had she told you when you're asked if she could pay back what she owes you?

Of course she doesn't want it because its crap. I bet she is jealous of you because you can maintain your lifestyle without the need to work. She has to work even though its only a small number of hours to be able to have a similar amount of leisure activities to you. Not because her DH is controlling or abusive but because he simply doesn't earn enough to cover everything and her family seem to think he should

With respect, OP, you have not taken on board anything anyone has said that does not fit your narrative.

It’s her marriage, leave her to it, she is not being abused but her husband is a bit of a twat. She likely has known this all along and no amount of talking to him is going to change it.

Your parents need to say no to her, stop complaining to you and she can do what she wishes with the life she has left.

I believe she sees your parents as the soft option, has no idea they are complaining or worried, and just wants her cake and eat it. Stop enabling her.

So she expects his pension that’s he’s worked his whole life for to fund her too instead of having her own decent pension by increasing her hours.

She sounds delightful.

Of course she doesn’t want you to ask him. Because then you’ll find out the truth.

Also not everyone has to have joint accounts.

If she’s so miserable with her current set up, why does she not divorce him? Is that not the obvious answer?

Indeed, surely if she thinks he's hoarding wealth and hiding it from her divorce would likely be a good deal for her financially?

He pays for the mortgage and bills and food (albeit a tight budget) and she's taking money from others to pay for things rather than get a full time job? I can understand why her DH doesn't give her more money as he pays for enough. If she takes money from family I can only imagine what she'd do if all the finances were joint!

OP I think your friend is closer to being the financial abusive one.

I wonder why she's telling you all this. Does she want money from you too?

You keep saying he can easily afford x and y, but you also said their house is £1 million and his salary is 120k.

Mortgage payments on a 120k house potentially £4-5k. Salary £6k a month roughly, after pension/any student loans, so there’s him already down to £1.5k with all the bills still to pay.

It’s been established that the OP shares parents with the person in question. I do also recall the OP saying they were well off with family money. So slight disconnect perhaps.

In truth I believe the OP has a similar situation and a generous husband and cannot imagine why anyone would be made to work in the first place, let alone have to scrimp on theatre tickets.

You’ve asked the question in a forum of normal people. Perhaps take it over to the online forum of ‘The Lady’ or some other sort of publication, next to posts about ‘lack of decent help these days.’

TBH your friend sounds like she's the one that is taking the piss, to continue asking your friends/elderly parents to borrow money and probably at the time of borrowing know she's never going to pay it back, she's a card...

As its been said she could quite easily solve this by either getting a full time job or divorcing her DH, but no she chooses to scrounge and make out she's being financially abused, or is that just your take on it.

You seem so invested in your dear friends financial situation and so determined that she's being abused have you ever thought of approaching her DH yourself and telling him you're concerned about her as she's so worried that she can't even afford a coffee for herself or repay the kindness of others lending her, at times large amounts of money, due to her having to spend all of her wages on THEIR DC and other household things.

You may just make him realise how selfish he's being towards her.

I don't think he's financially abusive when their children are teenagers and in school. Why doesn't she work more? For all I know he thinks she should work. Being a SAHM when kids are young is one thing but she needs to work full time if she wants more money! He already pays the mortgage and bills. Sorry your friend seems to want everything.

This is such a shockingly ignorant post.

If only life were as simple as "why did she marry him?" and "she can leave!", we wouldn't have any kind of domestic abuse to worry about.

Is it best for the children to keep asking for money and her constantly giving in or for them to learn to budget? I guess the children learned from her to keep asking for money until someone gives it to you. She is taking you all for a ride. Stop feeling sorry for your kept sister in her 1M mansion.

If she’s so miserable with her current set up, why does she not divorce him? Is that not the obvious answer?

I will tell you exactly why she WON’T divorce him unless he himself really pushed for it. Because she could not imagine herself living in a two bed flat or terrace like most of us mere mortals, paying a hefty mortgage, and working full time to support herself. Paying all the bills on top, while still supporting her teenage children. This is reality for most of the world and she’s been shielded from this her entire marriage.

Instead she wants MORE money to fund her wonderful lifestyle, and now she’s got her claws in assuming her husband is squandering money away from her when in reality with his outgoings, I bet he’s got nothing.

Shes an able bodied woman who has plenty of options but she’s used to the princess life. She won’t ever change, and she will hassle your elderly parents for as long as they keep enabling her. A massive reality check is required.

yes because really is getting ugly - you involve your sister, your parents, her husband, her kids on here while you should be making sure YOUR OWN BUDGET AND HUBBY relationship is right

there is no law that says how a family finance should be exactly organised.
A loving relationships balances things out and when you have all hands on deck, everyone does what they are capable of - read about marriages of ND women who hardly cope socially but are greatly loved by their husbands and the husband protect that wife

@5128gap very good point!