This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

And you will never know if her DH is funding them through uni because she isn't going to tell you he is. The money your DH gives her to help them is going to buy a lot of lunches

I am actually feeling sorry for the 2 men married into your family both expected to fund their family and help out the SIL if her husband can't afford it

‘Enough’ is relative though. She clearly feels she doesn’t have ‘enough’ at the moment and wants more.

If living with her husband is as awful as she makes out though, clearly she needs to leave.

She might need to live in a flat with a large mortgage, and work full time but, like thousands of others, she would manage.

Her kids would get full loans or could go to university and live at home if she’s on a low wage.

Honestly, are you genuinely ok with your husband having to spend your household money, for you him and your children, that’s he’s gone to work and earnt, on your sister? Because your parents say he should? Do you agree with this, if you were honest deep down.

It sounds extremely unfair on both of you no matter how much money you have to have this expectation on your shoulders.

We have it now.

OP is clearly in a fortunate financial position and sister believe she should be in the same position. And she’s willing to fleece her parents so she does not miss out.

It’s unfortunate that you have a jealous manipulative sister. It’s not an uncommon thought though - what are they going to spend it on!?

I think your sister and DH are not quite affording the lifestyle they think they deserve and IM SORRY BUT if you are that well off no wonder he’s secretive about money, he’s probably embarrassed he cannot measure up!

Was just thinking exactly the same thing.

Little Miss All bills paid and £1000 a month to spend is not the one I’d be worried about in this situation.

I suspect there is a big 'keeping up appearances ' thing going on here - and she has friends who think nothing of £35 lunch meetings ups because their husbands either earn more or they themselves earn more or have inheritance etc. lots of people in certain careers can have very good income but actually have lots of free time- I know a freelance cameraman for instance who does about 10 days work a month but earns around £120k a year. also suspect she hasn't learnt with teens the word 'no' because the teens have lots of totally spoilt friends.

I also think the H probably doesn't have much more than she does as 'disposable' after all costs- she has choices with that disposable OP - and clearly isn't budgeting it- just using it till it runs out.

She either needs to work more, trade down on house and reduce mortgage maybe , but above all needs to pull her big girl pants up and understand the numbers- I think she will find he hasn't got anything like the surplus income she thinks unless they have a very modest mortgage and no car finance etc

Sounds to me like its your husband that is being financially abused.

Well this adds a whole new dimension. Why is everyone babying her? She's more than capable of working full time and sorting herself out. I can't believe your DH has offered to put her kids through uni. Jesus, she really has never stood on her own two feet.
You've gone from saying she is financially abused to saying it's tye family narrative, as if you're starting to doubt it yourself.

It's none of your business to talk to him. It's also the business of the elderly people to deal with any concerns they may have. As a friend, the only job you have is to be a listening ear and offer advice, if wanted. You'd be over stepping if you did anything to start getting more involved here.

Why are you and your H enabling her so much you don’t have to pay for those things and her get everything because you’re better off than her. Shes not in poverty and could stand on her own two feet and wan more. Might not have quite the same lifestyle if she left him but sounds like she’d be ok.

It’s madness! She’ll never change while you all enable her and she’ll continue to manipulate you all.

Sorry, but I think the some of the attitude in your family about money are bizarre!

Your parents would rather get someone else to pay for your sister’s house and to put her kids through university than tell her to get a full time job?!

God how awful for him to be a cash cow, no ifs no buts. That’s truly appalling even if you were married to Jeff Bezos!!!

OP, you've made it sound like your sister clearly would take advantage. She has taken advantage of everyone else, including her parents.

Someone said above that she is jealous of OP and I think that’s it. It’s levelling up and the parents are the soft option, OP too. She wants what you have and cannot believe that she has to suffer the indignity of working and budgeting! It’s beneath her.

OP is sympathising as she is clearly in a better position. But that doesn’t mean sister is in a bad position.

It’s all pointing to the sister being a bit of a manipulative victim type. 18 pages in!!

This must be a wind up.

But she shouldn't spend money she can't afford to! That is a basic life rule for us all. You cut your cloth appropriately.

There are two issues here:

1. you seem to be equating needs with wants. All of your sister's needs are taken care of, and she has £1,000 a month for wants. If she can't afford endless another luxuries, that's entirely reasonable - she should be budgeting for her luxuries.
2. you are assuming the husband is rich/has lots more disposable income than your sister. This is almost certainly untrue, as has been illustrated by many of us on this thread. You seem to have very little idea about how money and tax and mortgages work.

She won’t divorce him.

Your sister has no intention of ever funding her own lifestyle.

If she were my sister I would be bored to tears of listening to her moaning about her privileged life. I would be reducing contact and if I ever went out with her for lunch or a coffee, make it very clear that I would not be paying for her.

I think because she is keeping so much info from you Op and since none of us are there to witness the relationship dynamic it’s so hard to judge.
He could be the king of coercive control and as a victim and she knows not to ask. Or when she was a SAHM maybe she couldn’t manage the finances properly, had a gambling problem or even a spending problem so again she knows she’s not allowed to ask for money.

His mental health issues could be very valid, if he’s making that kind of money he’s working a high pressure job and taking on the full financial mental load.
Taking more of the family mental load is not unusual for the person who works less. She’s chosen to work less to be there for the teenagers (which is not necessary). Unless he’s making her do that, then that is evidence she maybe a victim of abuse.
If I was you and your family I would try to encourage her to work some more hours and go over her budget so she can protect herself.

Suggest a sit down meeting with her and your parents.

Promise you, this is all a load of cobblers. She will not do it. She is taking the pee out of all of you and you’ve only just worked it out.

Does she have difficulty with being criticised? Fly off the handle or cry if confronted?

Is there any part of you that thinks she’s manipulative OP? Sounds like she’s manipulating everyone around her to get what she wants.

My husband has been told he needs to start saving for her too-to buy her a house!

Sorry, what? Who told your husband this?