This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

I suspect it's because she actually quite likes having a big house and no bills!

Yes, I suspect there will be no divorce pushed for by her. He might decide to divorce her for being an entitled princess though, I guess. Then she will undoubtedly have a lot less than £1000 a month for her pocket money.

Your OP says she is your friend but your later posts indicate she is your sister - is that right?

Even if so why do your parents think your husband rather than hers should help her out financially? I just don't follow! Is there a cultural factor as in the eldest son in the family is supposed to financially support the parents and adult siblings?

As for financial abuse, I'm not sure this is what it looks like. All the essentials are covered and she gets to keep her salary. She can always say no to the extra stuff her kids ask for, tell them to ask Dad! She seems very passive, just waiting for you to pick up the tab and "looking like a rabbit in the headlights" when you ask a perfectly reasonable question. If the financial arrangements didn't suit her and she wanted a one pot arrangement, she should not have agreed to be a SAHM.

Why doesn't she get a divorce and bag half the assets? I suspect it's because she actually quite likes having a big house and no bills!

So what if she can't earn enough, the absolute least she can do is work full time and contribute what she can. The way your family treat your DH is horrible and you're allowing that. So much for your sisters DH being an abusive bully, your sister is the one manipulating, bullying and financially abusing people.

Armchair psychologist here but sounds like you are the scapegoat, she’s the golden child and your dad is a narcissist?

It’s a power imbalance. You know that you are being generous but all they see is that you still have so much more so why not this, why not that and why not spread the wealth.

It must be very common as those taking handouts love the money but hate having to feel grateful, so blame you for making them feel that way and therefore inferior.

I do think you need counselling. Your family are quite toxic and have taken your good fortune as a meal ticket for all of them and feel resentful they have to struggle when you and your DH could wave a magic wand.

So your sister is the golden child who can do no wrong and manipulates your parents into giving her money they can't afford and everyone has to buy into the narrative that she's misunderstood and abused. I have a brother who happily bled our parents dry, thinks he's entitled to others money and shouldn't have to pay his way and is always poor me. He is entitled and selfish, just like your sister. Eta: the thing about your husband being expected to save for a house for her is nuts and CFery at its highest. There are serious issues with how your family treats her and these situations, it's really messed up.

If your husband was my son then I would be encouraging and supporting him to divorce you. He is supposed to be your partner loving, caring and supporting you and your DC not your entire family.

The point is a she is not a single mum as things stand. She had a husband of her own!

Who is paying their mortgage and all the bills!

Your family all seem to be acting like he is useless and she needs rescuing! She needs her sister’s husband to buy her a house and pay for her kids-really?!

What she needs is a reality check! She needs to stop whinging about not having enough spending money, stop sponging off her relatives and get a full time job!

It becomes like an entitlement

Like your sister, do you mean? You and your husband need to stop feeding it then!?

Why should he pay them? It was their choice to spend the money, he didn't ask for it, didn't want it, why should he pay for it. Just because someone can afford something doesn't mean they have to pay for it. Her parents and your relative made that financial choice, not him. He's not responsible for her taking that money, she and only she is. It's not his fault they made a stupid financial decision.

People who are spoilt and take advantage of others will never get enough. They will always not appreciate what they do get, and expect more.

The best favour you can do here is is to cut her off and hint that your DH would
not be able to afford to buy her a house (investments maturing in a start up or in ten years or something) but could help her with a deposit. That would need to be paid back when it’s sold.

She is acting like this because you are the gatekeeper of a fortune that could make her life easier and she wants it.

Your family think your DH is a bottomless pit. If she gets a settlement she will expect to bank that and your DH buy her a house.

You will also be expected to be the bank forever and ever: shut this down now.

Why do you want to mollycoddle her? Why can’t she stand on her own two feet? I’m a little baffled.

If it is affecting their kids that is the fault of their mother and grandparents. If this thread is true then both you and your sister have been lucky enough to find partners that love you so much they are willing to put up with all this financial crap from your parents
Maybe it's time you both realised that and told your parents to butt out

No, one married someone who can pay for it all and the other one married badly and just someone who pays for a million pound house, all the bills and food BUT NOT city breaks and massages.

I’ve only read op’s posts but this is a right mess. I think you and your sister both need support to understand the view of money you have grown up with - it appears some magical man is expected to come along and sort it all out from what your parents have said. It’s not pride and prejudice times though is it 😁 Your sister’s marriage sounds awful from the lack of sharing finances, the moods etc but she can only sort that out herself I am afraid. I would be distancing myself from the lot of them tbh, especially for your husband’s sake. Or if you are really that worried, maybe you can get a job and sub your parents and your sister instead?

Anyone else feeling hard done by that their sibling didn’t marry someone who could buy them a house?

Time for group text for the new baseline for in-laws.

Apprently both sisters are married with well to do men who pay for it all and they want just the life of Riley , spa resorts, Europe city breaks and private massagists

OP if your DH has any sense he will get the fuck away from you and your family.

I mean seriously he’s expected to buy her a house/fund her? Fuck that. And if your response isn’t anything but “fuck off” to your parents then he should LTB and leave you all to it.

I think this is probably it.
His DH hasn't paid for a drink for anybody for ages because your parents would immediately have their hands out for anything and everything. Like they do with you.
So he has avoided all that by keeping his money to himself and keeping himself out of your parents' grasp.

If he’s bad OP, she is worse.

You probably need counselling as everyone has told you what the problem is and second to last now is her DH.