This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

I don’t think this is financial abuse no. When I was being financially abused, I was working a minimum wage job and my jobless partner at the time was forcing me to pay his rent on his room share (£600) , his debts, his phone bill, food each month and his drug habit - all along with me trying to pay for my own rent and bills. I literally lived off soup and bread (without butter) as I couldn’t afford to eat whilst he lived a lavish lifestyle. When my ex was in work, he still continued to make me fund EVERYTHING and his earnings continued to fund his drug habit and computer games. I remember us being invited to a wedding and I had no clothes to wear (my clothes were embarrassing, they had holes and everything). Instead of being ‘allowed’ to use my own money on an outfit to attend the wedding, he made me buy him a £250 suit and £70 shoes and I didn’t have the money to afford to clothe myself to attend.

This is financial abuse. Him having all the money to go out and do various activities with his friends multiple times a week and getting a takeaway for himself (I’m vegan and he would only buy meat dishes). Whilst I couldn’t even afford to pay for my work do or grab some work clothes or even a new book for myself.

It’s exactly how I feel too. But the situation is still not financially abusive.

I've just had my dad ring now and tell me to send her money.

Thats bizarre! You can’t just demand other people give away money. If she had a full time job, she wouldn’t need any of this!

Sounds like your family see you and your DH as a cash cow, and if they plead poverty, you will provide.

Your dad and sister sound like a pair of grifters, and I'm not sure I'd believe your sister on how the finances are split in her household.

If there are issues, only she can address them. But rather than do that, she'd rather fleece you.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

Get a full time job.
Stop asking other people for money.
Speak to your husband and have a honest conversation about who is paying for what and find out what his finances are like. He might have less spending money than you.

I wrote that before seeing the 1m house drip feed

So yes out of his 6k a month take home I would estimate 5k gone on mortgage, bills and food.
He probably has less disposable spending money than his wife

It’s not the way I would choose to operate. But unfair does not equal financial abuse. She has choices.

I earn considerably more than my partner.
i cannot comprehend keeping all I earn to myself to the extent that my partner has to borrow from family and firends.

We are a family. A team. Bringing up our children as a unit. We pool all finances, as I couldn’t do my job without his support with the kids.

Financial abuse or not… the scenario OP is describing is miserable way to operate in a marriage.

Having read your updates OP I really think you should step back from your family. You and your husband must have worked so hard to achieve and have what you have, yet your entitled parents and sister are keen to take off you. They are using you but manipulating you to believe this is somehow ‘right’. There is no financial abuse going on, but there is an awful lot of gaslighting going on. You are the victim of this!

You do not have to buy her anything, lend her money, house her or anything else. The same for your parents. If you CHOOSE to do any of these things, it is very kind, but should not be expected or forced.

I've been back and forth with my views in reading this thread. However the OP's latest updates suggest to me.

1. The OP's extendend family have a strong "the man must pay for it" view
2. OP's sister is jealous of her wealthier sister and parents and feels she is entitled for them to pay for things for her.
3. OP's sister freely spends her money (I have teens, they have an allowance they have to stick to; at 16 they were expected to get a part time job. They don't get everything they ask for given to them) and expects others to make up the shortfall rather than taking responsibility for herself
4. DH may well be trying to sideline himself by this dynamic by not revealing financial details as he knows they well get relayed back to the whole family and him then "expected" to pay for more than just his own family.

Things that really jump out are

1. If I was skint, I would be suggesting going for a walk or meeting at each other's houses for tea and biscuits NOT going out for expensive lunches I couldn't afford.
2. The only bit that's potentially unfair is that maybe the DH should pay for more towards the teens (although it sounds like he does pay something, and most of what OP does pay may be unnecessary, so it's hard to judge).

The fact she expects others to pick up the tab for her spending on non essentials instead of working more makes her a CF. No one owes you lunchs out and holidays.

You are still neck deep in it OP. You've come on here and called your BIL abusive and a lunatic and said that he should pay your parents back because they gave your sister money he didn't ask for. You've backed her entitlement to the hilt and blamed her DH for her bad behaviour . You're expecting your DH to buy her a house if they divorce. You're idea of what is needs and what is wants and your views on working are messed up. This whole thread has been you neck deep in the madness. You need to do something to break away from this toxicity and really step back not just think you have while you're still enabling it I'd suggest some counselling might help you.

Your DH sounds like a good guy, your family shouldn't be expecting what they do of him, he could end up getting hurt by your families sense of entitlement to other people's money. I hope you have his back and will stand up to your family on his behalf if necessary. If I was him I'd be wondering if I really had that support given the way you think about money and how you support your families sense of entitlement. Like saying your BIL owed your parents the money that they gave to your sister when it was nothing to do with him and you acting like it's a given he'll fund your sister and her kids lives while she won't even be expected to contribute the most she can by working full time.

Your opening line on this post...

This is about a friend.

She won't need to @howshouldibehave because her BIL will be paying for it.

But even with half the equity, then the poor sister wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage free house.

She might have to get a full time job and a mortgage and the property might be a flat in a rubbish area and might only give her £400 a month spending money. I don’t think the poor sister has this in mind at all.

You say this, but do the maths and actually there isn’t loads of money and actually they very much COULD be living hand to mouth.

£1 million house - mortgage £4500 (could even be more than that).
Council Tax, Gas, Electric, Water, WiFi, TV, Home & Life Insurance, Pet Insurance- another £800-1000 (could be more)

So straight away there’s £5500 gone from his income.

120k is 6.5k ish a month after pension etc.

So paying mortgage and household bills he has £1000 left. Of that he budgets £600 for the food shops.

So now we’re down to him having £400 left after everything is paid for.

She has £1000.

@Purplethursdays123

I am actually cooking for both my sisters and BILs tonight. I will be asking both of them for a contribution to a house. 😂

If she gets divorced, she would get half the house and half the savings, why would she need your husband to input at all? Do you really not know this? It seems like you and your sister are living in an alternative universe. If she gets divorced, she will have lots of money to buy s small property, that is the actual law. What did you think would happen?

Very hard done by. I am open to the future possibilities though if I can get one of my DC to marry the right sort. Wondering if I can push for a home with a pool, surely that's not too much to ask....

Copied from a website:

Signs of a father with narcissistic personality disorder
There are several traits a father with narcissistic personality disorder might exhibit, including:

• A pervasive pattern of grandiose behavior or fantasies
• Reacting to criticism with shame, rage, or humiliation
• Constant need for extreme attention
• Unrealistic need for admiration & appreciation
• Being overly envious to the point of anger
• Showing signs of being preoccupied with success or power
• Disregard of others’ personal boundaries
• Self-admiration to the point of arrogance
• Blatant lack of empathy for others
• False sense of entitlement

It's about proportionality though. If a low income family doesn't have £1000 to spare on clubs/ clothes / food / petrol I'd understand the lack of money she gets.

For me it seems Friend dh has a significantly higher income for then to be living in se and in a £1 mil house suggests they aren't hand to mouth each month. So there is income there she just doesn't see enough of it to subsidise their living standard which he should be funding to a certain limit. I.e. petrol, food , clothes are staples he should be providing for not seen as something she need as struggle to pay whilst he lives comfortably.

The fact she asks elderly relatives doesn't immediately say CF to me but more concern on why she can't ask her dh for money or discuss finances with him without fear. If she's a spendthrift and dh cut her off then understandable but they still need to be able to discuss finances without fear with each other.

Why would he be open and transparent with ILs like that? He's better off as far away from the toxicity as he can get. Your families entitled views on money aren't normal. Most people know they need to work and expect to support themselves. No one expects their BIL or SIL to pay off their house, that's ridiculously entitled.