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AIBU?

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Original poster

This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

618 replies

catstaff47 · 19/10/2024 19:43

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

  1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

  2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

  3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

  4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

  5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 19/10/2024 19:56

Yes but we don’t know why she can’t ask him. That maybe is just her. Maybe he doesn’t know she’s going short and always thinks he is giving enough?
in any case there’s no reason for her not to work more and get a career going. Also they are married so what’s his is also hers. We don’t know what their relationship is like. Without more info this doesn’t seem to be financial abuse at all. And I was abused so I have some idea of what it looks like.

ShanghaiDiva · 19/10/2024 19:56

My concerns would be:
access to savings
why won’t he buy things the children need
why won’t he tell her how much is in savings.
house in joint names?
I would not find this situation acceptable.

Original poster
catstaff47 · 19/10/2024 19:55

Surely being secretive about money - to your wife - is financial abuse.

OP posts:
UpstartCrows · 19/10/2024 19:54

The kids are teenagers. They can cope with both parents working full time, 9-5pm.

The rest is strange but not financial abuse tbh.

You're obviously wanting us to see him as the bad guy but she has to take some responsibility for the choices she's made as well.

Notsuchafattynow · 19/10/2024 19:53

£1,000 a month for spends feels pretty good to me.

No one needs to work pt with teens.

BCBird · 19/10/2024 19:53

She should work more. He is a tight ass but abusive financially- no.

Original poster
catstaff47 · 19/10/2024 19:52

She works about 3 days per week, but within school hours. He can't cope with thd kids si it all falls in her. She was a SAHM for many years.

The issues for me are

  1. They have no shared finances
  2. Beyond bills etc, she has no idea how much he has in his accounts - no clue
  3. She feels she can't ask him how much money he has saved
  4. If she runs out of money - that's it. She can't ask him.
  5. Occasionally, he might see fit to give her an amount of cash - like pocket money. Very patronising.
OP posts:
IWantToSeeMyFeetAgain · 19/10/2024 19:52

So she has 1600 per month for food and essentials?

Cel119 · 19/10/2024 19:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

UpstartCrows · 19/10/2024 19:51

This isn't financial abuse.

She could work full time. Teens don't need childcare.

slashlover · 19/10/2024 19:50

She has £250 to spend on herself per week?

PestoPastaChaChaCha · 19/10/2024 19:47

He pays all the food shopping, mortgage and bills. She has roughly £1000 a month and works PT. She buys some stuff for the kids. Doesn’t sound crazy to me. Only odd bit is her asking others not him for money. She should increase her hours and talk to him.

Vettrianofan · 19/10/2024 19:47

But he's paying for most of the living expenses, what is wrong with that??

feathermucker · 19/10/2024 19:47

What is his reaction when she asks him for more money if she runs out? Is she expected to pay any other bills for the family home apart from food? Does she have access to money to go out and socialise? Is her freedom restricted?

tuberole · 19/10/2024 19:46

It's shit. But equally, really no excuse to be working part time with teens, the marriage is likely doomed anyway so she'd be better off working full time which will have the double benefit of giving her more money and being able to financially prepare for the inevitable split.

verycloakanddaggers · 19/10/2024 19:46

Has she told you all these details? If so, she has confided in you so it is fine to start with something like 'This doesn't seem right, surely you should have access to family money?' or something.

yeesh · 19/10/2024 19:45

well it seems strange but also why doesn’t she work more? And if he pays for everything then what does she need to borrow money for?

Mrsttcno1 · 19/10/2024 19:45

Is he preventing her from working full time?

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