This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

He would not be earning what he earns today if he had had to be available for the over the kids years.

This old chestnut again. He probably wouldn’t have had the kids.

This, financial abuse is one of the reason we now have free sanitary goods in public toilets for women who have money withheld so can't buy any.
Your friend working 12hrs a week, all bills paid and 1k of fun a month is not abuse and absolutely an insult to those who are being abused.

We don’t, but on a salary of 120k and his wife’s part time salary I would hope some is being saved!

Has she asked for your help or expressed distress?

How do we know he has savings?

Having all the savings in his name when he is a higher rate tax payer is not smart.

That’s a reach, nowhere have we been told that her working part time- with teenage children- was a joint decision or one he is happy with.

I can’t just decide tomorrow that actually until our kids are 20 I’m only going to work part time and expect my husband to pay for everything until I decide I want to work full time again.

I think £1k disposable income is a lot (I have about half of that after my contribution to household bills and I also buy things for DC). The secrecy is weird though.

It’s odd, but I don’t think it’s financially abusive. He is laying all the bills, rent and food - whereas your friend contributes nothing towards that.

having said that, it depends how much fun money they both have as to how reasonable it is…

Why is she running out of 1k per month on wants/fun stuff. Should be easy to cut back on unnecessary spending there and not have to ‘take’ from others 🤔 why isn’t she just waiting until pay day anyway?

I think it’s a problem that she doesn’t know how much is saved, and it seems that he thinks these savings are ‘his’ - will he help kids with college expenses, accommodation, if they need a new laptop? What if they can’t get a uni grant because dad earns X amount, but they’re not actually allowed any of it?

Not financial abuse. Financial abuse if she had to give all her wages to DH.

Having £1000 to herself is quite a lot, considering no bills are to be paid out of that. I don't spend a grand a month on my kids either, so unsure why she's running out of money?

Sounds to me, she's possibly overspending and doesn't want her DH to know she's spending over £1000 on seemingly nothing a month hence why not asking him.
In regard to her not knowing about his savings, she knows his income amount. DH could possibly be secretive about savings if she's not very good at managing money?

You’ve only got one side of the story she practically has a £1000 a month

whilst 120k sounds an enormous amount 40% will disappear in pension and deductions
and what’s left is paying for 90% off the household costs for 4 people

This doesn’t sit right with me. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. Finances should be a discussion between two equals, not your friend having to put up with what’s handed out to her. Being a SAHM was a choice both parties made for the benefit of the children. As such her husband should have been paying her NI contributions and towards a pension. I feel like if he wants her to contribute more, it should be a discussion- not her having to do it out of desperation. I bet you if she increases her hours at work her husband won’t increase his share of the domestic labour/ mental load.

Every relationship is different, but I think you are right to be worried. How does your friend react when you ask her about it?

I think a lot of people will say, understandably, that £1000 a month to spend on herself and get things the children needs, but I couldn’t live with someone who has control of the family finances that way.

Is she scared to tell him when she’s short? Is the weekly shop more expensive than £150, but she doesn’t dare tell him? If so, how does she think he’ll react?

Does she not want to work full time? Being able to work part-time just to be around is a bit of a luxury, depending on your circumstances - he might earn £120k but depending on how much the mortgage is, monthly bills, pension contributions etc. it might not go that far. Does he pay for holidays, leisure/social activities etc.?

Yes I would say it's financial abuse as he's keeping her in the dark. There needs to be transparent communication.

She has £1000 a month to spend and does not have to pay for bills and only works part time with teenage kids? I dont class that as financial abuse at all.

I also think £150 a week isnt a bad amount for shopping. We spend £100 for a family of 4 (2 adults, 2 teens and pets)

If she isnt happy with the status quo and how much he helps with the kids, then that's a conversation they need to have, especially if she wants to increase her earning/saving potential and him not helping with the kids is preventing that

Who pays for clothes, holidays, house maintenence/repairs etc? Who pays for other costs for the children e.g. school lunches, trips etc?

No, that really isn’t financial abuse.

She had all of her bills paid for her, money given for food shopping, she’s choosing to work part time even though her kids are now teens and gets to keep all of her wages to spend on herself.

You trying to call that financial abuse is honestly an insult to the many women who are genuinely being financially abused.

don’t see that has anything to do with the financial issues.

I wouldn’t be happy with that. They should both have the same spending money as a bare minimum. I’m a sahm and dh and I pool everything, then give ourselves equal spending money which we each transfer to a separate account each to save or spend as we wish - all our accounts are joint so we can see all of them (including our ones we use individually) when we log in online to our banking. We have a joint account we use for bills and food shopping and kids stuff.

If she has £1000 to spend on herself and extras for the children and doesn't have to fund anything else, she is quite well off.

She earns £12000 part-time, so I expect a full-time salary is unlikely to be much more than double that. Both she and her husband may not consider it worthwhile to increase her hours.

Clearly she is very dependent and vulnerable, but you say she thinks it's okay, so she appears to have accepted this very old-fashioned set-up. I don't think it would be appropriate for you to rock the boat. Just be there for her and lend an ear if you sense that she wants to talk or needs help.

In her shoes I would insist on financial transparency, or snoop around to find out what he is doing with all his money if he refuses. I'd also retrain and/or get qualifications to be able to get a 'proper' job. Basically quietly putting things in place to get to a position where I could leave if I wanted to, or not be totally snookered if he chose to end the marriage.

But it's her call.

No it isn't financial abuse.

HTH

We have separate accounts. My husband couldn’t tell you what I’ve saved and vice-versa. No big deal and if he asked, I’d tell him but he hasn’t.
She needs to work more.