This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

How on earth can she / they be financial planning for the future / kids if she doesn't ask him about these things. Is there physical dv involved OP? The fact she seems scared to ask him would suggest there's some amount of of physical or verbal abuse that hurled at her when she has done so in the past? She can't continue like this. Does she know where she stands if he dies ? Will leaves everything to her ? House half in her name or not.? How much mortgage etc. She needs to know!

She hasn’t actually asked him though. She didn’t answer your question? Sorry OP, there’s more to this than you’re being told. All sounds weird to me. I reckon she has a spending problem.

Same thoughts!! You/she didn't have a post recently about being "nearly skint' with a spendy op and saver DH?....

He won't tell her or she won't ask?

On the face of it though, I'd be wondering what my partner was spending £1000 a month on if I was paying all of the bills and shopping, other than bits for the teenage kids.

So maybe he has concerns that she is crap with money and therefore, he is actually protecting the family finances.

You are very involved in the family finances but only have her side of the story.

I think from the information you have given it doesn't sound like financial abuse

If your friend isn't willing to address anything then I'm not sure why you are getting so riled up on her behalf?
She sounds like she is in a really great position to have 1000 to herself - all bills including food is paid for. What is she spending on that she needs to borrow from people?

Why is she borrowing money?

Agreeing to be a SAHM when you have toddlers to avoid paying £1000’s in nursery is one thing, agreeing to stay SAHM with teenagers who would cost £0 in childcare though? Very different.

Also, it has still cost him thousands as he’s been paying 100% of all bills. And if they are teens then for years now there would have been either no or very minimal childcare costs, so again, it hasn’t been free for him in any way.

If she’s running out of money with £1000, all bills paid, she needs to look at her spending because what on earth is she buying.

We don't know the size off his outgoings- maybe they've got a £3k mortgage plus all bills and the £640 a month food money - this could easily be £4750 a month-

He may well be coming out with £6 to £7k a month after tax and pension etc - so possibly himself only has maybe £1500 - obviously if they've got a £1.2k a month mortgage he's got a lot more to himself than she has -

I would just ask for a bit if transparency so she knows the numbers- I don't think this is remotely abuse

This kind of thread makes me honestly feel very confused about expectations from some people. Full time worker must give all money to their part time working partner to fritter away, or they are abusive, are those your genuine thoughts?At what stage does the person who can't be arsed to work get to take any responsibility for their own costs and reluctance to contribute to the family pot? £1600 for 4 people for food and minor spend items per month isn't enough? We are 3, I just did an Ocado shop for £350 that will last 3 weeks for all food, toiletries etc; £600 really should be covering a fair chunk. Teens and she can't manage even 30 hours per week, WTF?

Genuinely not getting it AT ALL. Removing someone's ability to spend their own earnings, preventing them from working, those things are financial abuse. Running up debt with friends when you have £1600 pcm and only need to buy food though, it sounds like it's her behaviour that is financially abusive in this case, because she's causing financial strife through reckless overspending.

I’d find that weird too. Why don’t they have a joint account? She should know where all savings are and have access. Not being able to ask is massive red flags. What does she think will happen if she does?

Why is she taking money from family? For what? I don’t get it. All household bills and the mortgage is taken care of. Food is taken care of. She has her own albeit low income but has the option to work more and double this.

I am assuming there are things she is not telling you. Is the relationship on the rocks and she’s panicking?

What does she think would happen if she said she needed money to buy the kids shoes, coats, pay for a school trip (or whatever she's borrowing money from friends or family to pay)? If she asked for more information about the family finances, perhaps showing the things her salary is covering? He might be abusive, he might just be bumbling along thinking everything is fine.

Are you someone she’s borrowed money from and you’re trying to convince yourself you’ve not had the piss taken out of you?

Has she actually outright asked him OP? And he has said ‘No’? And what did she say? Has she asked him to be a less shit dad?

Why are you so deeply involved in this family's financial affairs? you honestly don't really know what their setup is, only what you've been told.

Its also BS to say he wouldn't have got to that level without her being at home. I was earning more than the husband is and my DH was also working full time, we have two kids as well. We managed just fine.

Unless it's actually you OP?

I don’t think that’s financial abuse. On paper he looks like an incredibly high earner, but actually a massive chunk is going to the tax payer. And in that he pays for the mortgage, bills, and food, so basically everything. You don’t say where you are but in the south that’s going to be tight financially. Comfortable but tight.

Being able to work very part time is a luxury in today’s climate. And although she’s not earning a lot she gets to keep every penny she earns without contributing to the mortgage or bills. He’s covering food which is obviously the biggest week by week outgoing, so what she is spending the extra £1000 on?

You also don’t say how old the teenagers are. Most teens with work ethic installed in them are desperate to get jobs as soon as they are able. They also generally don’t need their mum there as they can back from school unless they have additional needs.

I expect her husband may not have as much money stashed away as she thinks.

why can’t she talk to him about money and savings?
why can’t she work more?

The marriage sounds a bit shit to be honest. Can’t ask each other about finances, his lack of interest in the kids.

Look, I rarely jump the to defence of one spouse but if she is waxing over £1k a month when she has no outgoings such as mortgage, bills etc, then maybe she is shit with money and he doesn’t trust her with it?

But honestly she needs to grow up and have an open conversation and he needs to grow up and be better dad.

I’d hope so too but it can’t be a given nowadays.

You say he won't tell her, but you also say she can't ask him. Which is it ? Is she scared to ask him? Has she asked him and he has refused to answer?

You’re not wrong about work to be done OP but the key point is it HAS to be mutually agreed. Again I go back to I cannot just decide tomorrow that I’ll just work part time for 20 years and expect my husband to foot the bill for everything. She has teenage kids, she can absolutely work full time.

She has absolutely everything paid for her, everything, and has all of her own wages, £1000 a month, to spend on whatever.

That is not financial abuse.