This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

It sounds a bit complicated to me. He definitely has issues but so does she. I wonder if they are bringing out the worst in each other.

I didn’t read all the replies but - no your friend isn’t being financially abused.

He’s paying all the bills, all the mortgage and spending/providing £150 a week for food. Your friend has her 1k wages a month to spend on what she wants.

If she’s struggling with that then she needs to take a good look at herself, nobody else.

Also, why can’t she ask for extra household/family money if she needs it?

I wouldn’t be with him . He pays £150 for food and that’s it .
oh he pays all the bills so what he is the father to kids

Is the house on both names ?
If she leaves she will get her share

If he can’t deal with the kids then he should be making sure she lives a good life for the sacrifices she makes for the family

You haven't said why your friend will not increase her working hours. I get that she doesn't want to work full time as one of her teenagers has mental health problems and probably wants mum around more than most, but she could work 20/25 and that would increase her income by quite a bit. I worked 15 hours a week when mine was small, then 20 and gradually built up to full time.

As for her taking money from her family, does she pay them back when she receives her salary? Parents often lend or give money to their adult children, it isn't unusual; if they need it they will say so and she would pay them back.

She does sound as though she is intimidated.

I don't think you can do much about it, frankly, except, if she continues to confide in you, encourage her to improve communication with her husband.

Sticking to a budget in the supermarket isnt odd...I moan if our shopping is over £100 a week and if my husband was spending over this, or if he was buying things not on "my list" that I consider extravagant (I have an idea what the family needs each week, so yeah I'm god of the Sainsbury's shop) I'd have a moan

Your updates sound like you are determined to make the narrative that he is the bad guy. I'd love to hear the other side of this while situation, and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle

Because I would imagine in a 1 million pound house they have a hefty mortgage. And in a sizeable house comes sizeable bills. He’s paying for all of this and she’s not contributing financially to the household. It’s called budgeting. Clearly your friend has issues with budgeting if she feels she’s being financially abused with all her household bills paid and 1k disposable income.

It’s not weird or abusive to stick to a budget for food. It’s normal. If he said “spend what you want love” that is not being financially responsible if you have big outgoings.

She would certainly get a shock if she divorced him and had to get a full time job and all she could afford was a 1 bedroom flat. Then she would really know financial hardship. Now she is living the life of riley and crying about these endless pot of money she believes she’s entitled to. Newsflash; there probably isn’t a massive pot of money. Her husband is not a multi millionaire.

You sound like an amazing friend OP.

But something doesn’t calculate. Either she’s lying or there is other abuse. The fact that she is so open with you but can’t answer why she hasn’t tried to talk to him makes me lean towards the former - I’m really sorry to say. Something isn’t right here. And I worry that you and others are in fact the victims.

Sorry you’ve had such shit replies, OP.

It’s disgusting that a wife doesn’t know how much her husband earns and isn’t permitted to ask about nor about their savings.

It does fall under the term “financial abuse” because he’s concealing information, limiting the her access to assets, and reducing accessibility to the family finances.

I don’t have any advice for you. There’s nothing you can do without her making the first move.

Just be there for her and hint towards her making herself more independent with more working hours and a savings pot of her own.

We are South East. I married with 0 money and as aupair - we never pulled money, what was there to pull on my behalf

The set up with his work is such that I can calculate how much he earns and as he paid for everything I did not have the need to ask to see or be curious how much things cost in this country, he told me.

I never lacked anything nor still do to this day. Did he transfer me money, gave me cash or bought for me what I needed/wanted - this is no one's business. So the women who stay home and spend from a joint account are not asking for money by spending the money they have never really earned?! LOL - just a different label on the same set up. You are a woman, home staying and are given money into a joint bank account you never worked for in the workplace. What you do at home just as what I do, is a personal business and arrangement.

I restarted work and have disposable personal income of more than a 1000 pounds a month for which he is neither curious nor interested what I do with it, though I pay for many things from it and coffee shops, spa or hairdressers rarely make it on the list.

If you love each other , no one should ever feel left out, short or lied to about the whole family pot. Joint account is not the proof for it nor the knees bees of a marriage.

I think she’s playing you for a fool - sorry.

I think it’s normal to have a budget for food shopping etc.
To be blunt if he works full time I would expect her to do the shopping as a fair division of tasks.
The main issues here seem to be poor communication and a lack of financial transparency.

What a horrible, toxic marriage this is. She has enabled him to do well in his career and everyone on here wants her to budget her pennies because she didn't earn it all herself.

If she divorced him she'd be a lot better off. Maybe then he'd realise that 'his' savings and 'his' house are their savings and house.

Posters seem to be dismissive of your concerns, but I think it's odd that he won't discuss 'their' savings and that she doesn't feel able to approach him should she need extra cash.its maybe not abuse, but it's certainly not right.

Someone clearly has to give her a budget and teach her to stick to it, she can’t make £1000 last a month with absolutely everything essential paid for her already.

Of course the person who is funding all of her bills, including that food shop, is going to impose a budget 😂

Maybe she feels like she can’t ask for extra money because she knows she’s frittering £1000 per month on non-essential items. What is she spending it on????

Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

£1k a month after mortgage, bills and food is a huge amount.

It sounds like your friend is quite reckless with money.
The fact that she has to borrow money off friends and family is quite telling.

So although I understand where you’re coming from and think money should be 50/50 in most cases, but in some cases where one person is reckless with money then one does need to take more control over it.

I also don’t understand why she can’t get a FT job.
If he’s not pulling his weight around the house then that needs to be dealt but if my DH only worked PT then I would expect him to take on the majority of housework and childcare.

It’s hard to tell whether it’s an abusive relationship without being in it.

If she wanted to get divorced - she could not.

OP - does she pay you and others back in full?

How do you know all of this in such minute detail?

@catstaff47 you stated earlier that he gave her £150 per week for the food shop, but now you are saying he does the food shop. So which is it?
This thread is quite the drip feed…

OP - does she pay you and others back in full?

Exactly this.

If we were on a budget for food shopping and my husband came home with 4 steaks instead of 4 chicken breasts, or with Heinz beans instead of Aldi, Pringles instead of Aldi own etc then of course I’d question why he’d bought one instead of the other when we are sticking to a budget.

That’s just life with a budget, it’s not financial abuse.