This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

Taking money off your elderly, stressed parents because you want more holidays and lunches out is abusive.

Insisting on only working 3 days a week with teenage children and expecting to be bankrolled by your husband is pretty abusive too.

Keeping financial information secret is recognised as financial abuse. Financial abuse is recognised as a form of domestic abuse. That is a FACT. Please check out womens aid.
We need some more public education on this, as lots of people still don't understand the many forms domestic abuse takes, and it's (mainly) hurting women and children.

You need to show her this thread, but ignore the comments where the husband is being supported because those are either being abused themselves, naive, or jaded.

Or you could tell her to ignore advice by people telling her she has rights for subject access reports on her husband’s bank accounts.

Yes that post was absolutely incorrect!

This simply is not true: every person has a separate legal identity and being married is not the same as being merged. I would be furious if a bank allowed my husband access to my sole account, he would not be entitled.

SAR are for yourself, are they not?

Women do not have to give up a career they choose too, they also choose to work PT

Woman are able to think for themselves are they not?

How do you think the majority of working parents cope? @Serp12 ? Can never understand this drama llama of 'ooo noo! Will need holiday/school clubs like most of the UK...
Why 'forced' is your dp/h working ft? Do you think they're being forced?

I live exactly like this. I have decided /been forced to work full time. Even though I will struggle with children / the home. It’s a sad existence.

I have a friend like this. "Big man" has the big man job & he decides how it can be spent on holidays/home improvements/exotic holidays (for him with the boys)/ family holidays (often a tent halfway up some windswept hill.

Wife gets an "allowance" as well as working PT, but doesn't stretch far come the school holidays.

Totally takes the piss that he gets housekeeping/cook/cleaner/nanny/holiday club/taxi & painter/decorator services all thrown in - as well as getting his nob serviced.

Yet she has nothing to show for it.

It is a marriage on the legal paper only. And both of these women would be significantly financially better off divorced-it beggars belief that the blokes don't recognise this financially before one of them actually takes action & then their penny-pinching comes back & bites them in the arse 😬

I would not find this acceptable. She has given up having any sort of career to raise their children. Yes she could work more now that they are older but how likely is it that she’ll earn similar to her DH after taking such a long career break? With her part time hours I imagine she takes on much of the mental load and household chores, etc.
He will have a lovely pension pot building up, she will not.
He may have been able to save, she will not.
He may have been able to invest, she will not.

If they have a house and kids together I think the finances should all go into one pot, which pays for the mortgage, all bills, clothes for the kids, food, school trips, pet insurance, vet bills, cars and fuel, etc, plus entertainment and joint savings. Whatever he is paying into his pension pot, they should be paying the same into hers so that they’re on equal ground when they retire.
Whatever money is left over should be split equally as “fun money - no questions asked”.
I know people don’t seem to like doing it this way but honestly, why, when you’ve built a life with someone, would you want to see them with less than you? Not being able to go out for date nights, holidays, etc because they can’t afford it and you can? If you’ve agreed to share a life with someone, share it!
The only exception here I would say is inheritance. If one of them inherits assets or money, it’s up to them how they want to spend it but it should stay out of the joint/family pot.

ignore the comments where the husband is being supported because those are either being abused themselves, naive, or jaded.

If it turns out that the husband only has eg £400 spending money himself after paying all of the bills, food and mortgage, maybe all those comments were actually right.What would the police do if she claims he is withholding money but she actually has more spending money than him?

Can you tell us more about a financial subject access request? Do you mean that anyone can ask their spouse how much money they have in their own personal bank account and they are legally forced to respond to this request? With a solicitor?

It would be helpful if you explain what a Financial Subject Access Request is (and whether you are UK based) when the person requesting the information may not be an account holder so isn't entitled to the information in normal circumstances.

She would be better off divorced

As we have no idea how much disposable income he has, this may well not be true.

I don’t think £150 for food shop is ‘pay for everything’!

If that was all he paid you’d be right but he also pays the mortgage and all the bills.

Hi op,

I am not getting the feeling you have the full story.
also why does she complain with the amount she has? Just because he has more? I mean…he earns it. OR, is it because she needs something? Or the children need something?

It does seem odd to just be unhappy about having “only” 1K+ per month. But if he constantly buy stuff and she can’t…yeah I’d be miffed.

Problem isn’t money though right. Problem is, he doesn’t seem to care for her at all…or for the children.

Yes this is financial abuse and entrapment. It's illegal in some aspect. They are married so she can actually request a financial subject access request. 50% of all his money is hers, if they are married. The laws recently changed. She could actually take him to court and demand this 50% and half of his pension when he draws it down. I work with people in these situations and if you consider her vulnerable and being abused, you can make a referral to adult welfare services for a safeguarding check. She can also inform the Police he is withholding money. Financial abuse is a crime. You need to show her this thread, but ignore the comments where the husband is being supported because those are either being abused themselves, naive, or jaded.

I don’t think £150 for food shop is ‘pay for everything’! My OH likes to make a deal out of a btl mortgage coming out of his account despite the fact he benefits from the income.

he never buys anything for the household (but will buy fishing gear). EVERY bit of furniture or household item is paid by me because I will buy something good, good value/ warranty, good design. If left to him (on occasion when I have said ‘you sort it’ he buys sh**t. Thankfully I now earn more than him but when I had a period of not working I ran up twice £15k credit card bills buying the unseen things that are needed for a household. It’s not just rent/morthage, food, utilities. Who pays for school clothes, kid clubs, holidays?

How OP lives on £12k and pays for everything on top his knows. She would be better off divorced at least she would get 50% now. What is she doing for pension? No credit for child rearing and you are a woman!

I think it would help your friend more if she could begin developing her own career with better pay so that she can afford to save up an 'escape' fund.
I accept that her partner pays most of the bills but there doesn't seem to be any financial transparency on his part and there likely never will be.

That's a good point. I don't live in the UK so I don't know what things cost but based on some of the other post it appears that he may not have much at all left over after bills. Yet the OP seems to think that he's sitting on this Scrooge MacDuck pile of cash, all the while admitting she doesn't really have any idea what his income is or what their expenses are.

OP's husband already seems to be on the hook for potentially supporting the entire family; if I were him I don't think I'd want any of them to know anything about my finances, either. Including possibly the wife.

The kids need to ask their dad for money for clothes and hobbies.

It's such a bad model for the children, I'm my view

Hmmm. Working part time but scrounging money off your elderly parents is a pretty bad model for the children as well though…

From reading your updates I'd imagine he doesn't want any of your family knowing how much, if any, in savings he has.
It's his to do with as he pleases, for all you know your Dsis knows exactly how much they have but realises if she let's on family members would feel like they're entitled to a share of it, so plays ignorant and is quite happy to continue getting hand outs from others...
Keeps their bank balance healthy.

Pretty much sounds like you all need to mind your own business.

Without meaning to sound disagreeable, I do think you might be best served by stepping back, stopping interfering in your sister's marriage and concentrate on yourself and your own family. Has your sister asked you to be opinionated about her H- you haven't said she has so I would guess probably not. I don't understand why you feel it's your role to judge your sister's marriage tbh. There have been many previous posts that have, in summary, suggested in one way or another, sometimes implicitly, you butt out of her marriage but you don't seem to be receptive to advice. I suggest counselling for you to try and figure out why you feel as you do and I do wish you well.

Let’s not lose progress here to people who have only read your posts. Please take this as an opportunity for you to seek help to better understand what’s going on before you encourage your victimised sister to end a marriage that is potentially not the issue.

OP in the context of the dynamics of the family, your father and your DH - it’s obvious why he would be secretive. You own DH does not see your family and presumably does not share any insight into his wealth. The only difference you are not asking anyone for money or are sponging off others. Is that true?