This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

The causes of MH problems are not necessarily attributable to environmental factors. So I don't agree with this. Seems like conjecture.

But even the op doesn’t know that. The house is a million pounds, the mortgage could be huge the bills, car costs. He may have equivalent or less disposable income and that’s why she’s not saying. She’s saying he won’t tell her but could be lying.

and she’s a spender. Let’s be honest, a grand a month and she’s borrowing off of family and not paying for lunch? Cmon

To me, it's not about how much she has to live on per month, which a number of other posters seem to be focusing on, but the seeming overall financial inequity in the relationship.

I’m wondering why she is still in this relationship.

She obviously isn’t happy and the kids must not be either.

120k is 70k after tax. Mortgage for a 1m house, bills etc, could easily be 5k/month (we pay that!), so 60k a year. Which leaves approx 1k/month, same as your friend.

Yes this is all very odd, there is definitely something weird going on.
It sounds like she is too afraid to ask him for money, who knows in what other ways he controls them all…?
I hope she gets some professional help! You sound like a wonderful friend (no idea why other posters are questioning your analysis, it seems spot on!)

I agree, the ‘rabbit in headlights’ comment and that she doesn’t give a clear answer suggests to me there’s something going on that makes her feel afraid and that she doesn’t feel able to talk about it even with people she’s close to. Sounds as though she could be scared of her husband - or at least scared of his reaction to certain things (like questions about finances).
Quite a few posters have said they don’t think this situation is financial abuse. Perhaps not, however there does seem something very wrong about this situation and like thereov, I think there might be some other kind of controlling/abusive nature to their relationship. Just sounds like something’s not right.

Op you need to google financial abuse. It is preventing someone working and or taking their money. This is not financial abuse.

it is his choice if he tells her what he earns. If this woman has a thousand a month and is borrowing or getting you to buy her lunch then she’s clearly spending a lot. And she’s not wanting to tell him she’s doing that so borrowing elsewhere.

she lives in a million pound house and has all her bills and food paid for. On top of this she has a thousand a month to spend as she sees fit, be it her or the kids, she is not spending a grand a month on kids activities and clothes, even tutors.

shes not telling uou thr whole story.

I think from your "rabbit in the headlights" comment it sounds as though there are other things she isn't telling you. A teen with MH problems is an indication of something not right. There may be other abuse which she cannot tell you. Or something to do with her. I would say it sounds like a controlling/psych abuse dynamic but v difficult to know exactly what is going on. Husband buying food without any consideration of what family likes to eat sounds incredibly sad and imo an indication of an abusive dynamic. You could suggest to her that she talks through the situation in confidence with Relate who may be able to draw her attention to something she hasn't realised, they may pick up on signs of abuse and be able to talk her through them and give advice. She may be waiting for until the dc get older before she takes action to protect them

OP...she's leading you on

You need to be more concerned about why you keep lending her money that she never pays back.

Put your efforts into how and why you're letting her, she's treating you as she does and do something about that and not how her DH is, supposedly, treating her.

Having a child or children with additional needs brings considerable pressures to a family, which in turn can have considerable financial implications. Depending on the exact nature of the issues, it could be costs of a special diet, of therapy, of transportation to therapy, of therapeutic aids etc. etc. And then there is the time factor, supporting a child with these needs, which also has a cost.

They refuse to eat what he buys so she goes out to get them something they will eat? Plus all these clothes, shoes etc. Teenagers don't grow every month. High salary jobs usually come with lots of pressure. He's funding a million pound house and the bills that come with it, and his wife can't manage on a grand a month for spends? Your friend and her kids sound like a nightmare, no wonder he doesn't want to be around them much.

Not everyone shares all their financial info. That wouldn't work for me, but I don't think it's necessarily a problem as long as both have an eye on the long-term financial good of the family. One saving and one spending is where it gets difficult. I wouldn't consider it fair for DH to spend whatever money comes in, we need to save for the future, and as the higher earner I put money into both our pensions. As we are married we have joint rights, but it spreads the risk/reward to do both. If DH wanted to just randomly take all those earnings for new clothes/ gadgets / higher price groceries, then I would expect him to take my "no" without debate.

That was in reply to a PP saying she'd be better off financially if they seperated.

She likely wouldn't be she'd need to pay all her bills herself. People want her to budget because she has discretionary spending of £1000 a month. People don't think she's being financially abused because she has £1000 for discretionary spending a month. People also think she should go back to work full time because her DC are teens, this would have the effect of making her more secure whether she stays or goes.

Her husband may well be stingy and controlling, he also might just be fed up. OPs friend borrows from people who don't have much and appears not to pay them back. Someone who didn't have a problem of spending too much wouldn't feel entitled to ask someone who doesn't have much for money for discretionary spending.

De facto go and read about the threads with advice: oh dear, go and empty the joint account NOW

She has £1000 each month and doesn't budget to give you back any monies owed to you out of her next month's £1000?

I'd take a step back and definitely stop lending her money.

Her DH may tell a different story

Are the dc at fee paying schools?
Agree with many pp, she's at it and doing a 'rescue me'... act with you.. and the elderly relatives!

Heh, he pays £150 for food and that’s it…oh and all the other bills. Leave him!!!!