This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

Could it be that she doesn't want him to know she's wasting £1k a month and then "borrowing" from elderly relatives and getting free lunches from friends, because he'll tell her to stop wasting money?

This post is just weird.

Your friend is a grown woman with teenagers, an ability to work and she is married. If she is married to a douchebag she can change that.

The thing that’s gross here is taking money off poorer relatives for luxuries. That’s it isn’t it? She has all her basic needs covered and has spending money and is borrowing money and playing poor at lunch? And making you pay?
It sounds like they are a very strange couple and I’d be questioning the whole friendship thing.

Or it’s possible she’s taking advantage of everyone (you included!). Maybe she is super entitled and wants you to pay for lunch and the back story helps. Stranger things have happened.

Yes of course marital finances should could be equal but that’s not always the way. If they are so remote from each other they have no idea about the money and don’t share and are afraid to ask then it’s not much of a marriage in 2024. But it isn’t really your business.

She can divorce him and then she’ll find out exactly what he has in the bank.

This is irrelevant to the main issue

It's the whole issue. You think she needs more money, she isn't earning it. Why?

Why does a woman who gets her head kicked in and hospitalised on the regular stay in an abusive relationship? She's been groomed. She's so financially crippled she can't easily leave and her days are probably so consumed with keeping her struggling childrens lives together that she's frightened of putting the bomb of divorce in their lives. Also if she's financially cut off she probably can't afford decent legal advise.

It is incredibly hard for victims of abuse to leave and OP indicates she's frightened of him too. Xx

See post by @SqueamishHamish

I'm a SAHM and my DH "pays" me £500 a month. This is my own money to spend as I wish (clothes, make up, mobile phone, etc)
I also have access to a joint account that DH tops up when needed, which is for household bills, food, stuff for the kids including clothes and toys.

I don't have access to his savings account because I don't need to access it.

You say she feels like she "can't ask" her husband about money, that's on her.
Unless she asks and he refuses to answer how much he has, or she asks for access to money for kids clothes or whatever and he won't give her that access, this is not financial abuse! She isn't even asking him!

I think She needs to do something sooner rather than later. At the moment probably prepare to earn more. Later perhaps separate once she can financially earn enough for bills, mortgage and expensives, depending if where they are there are good universities etc. Imagine having to support several kids through uni, some even at the same time, and the kids get only the minimum amount of loan due to the father income and one of the kids with health problems too. She needs legal advise.

Why is it irrelevant? Its the main thing!!

Maybe the reason he doesn’t want joint money because how bad she is with money.

She can’t manage with £1000 a month and scrounges off her friends. And because you’ve fallen for her “I don’t have enough to live on” act you don’t expect to be paid back.

You’re being taken for a mug.

I am the main wage earner. I earn c. 130k Pa. I pay mortgage, bills, food, insurances, car expenses, entertainment (eating out), kids clothes/clubs/leisure activities, holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc .. I have very little left per month after paying my commuting costs for myself. I don’t give my partner anything per month. Switch to me being the ‘man’ in the relationship / am I abusive? Both children are teenagers - 1 at uni where I pay accommodation. Why would i also give my partner money every month when there’s no reason why he can’t work too? Tbh, if i did I would no money left each month. I know here on MN I am massively financially privileged and my salary means I can pay all my outgoings. But we live in the SE .. there’s nothing left over for living a lavish lifestyle. (& no, kids are not, or never were in private school)

We are now 7 pages in and the OP has cited all the things he pays for, all the things her friend pays for, mentioned that he gives the kids money for stuff occasionally and has sarcastically referred to him as God and in charge of Sainsburys food bills. One thing she hasn't done (and I don't believe she would have omitted it if he was doing it) is tell us how much he spends on hobbies clothes nights out and so on, whilst her friend can't even afford a coffee.

Maybe it's more a case of he gives the kids money to buy clothes when they need them, so Dad I need new school shoes ok here's some money. Dad I want new trainers these are so last month sorry no. OK Mum will buy them.

This is irrelevant to the main issue.

To me a marriage is putting together all your resources in one pot and making a fair plan to evenly distribute it. If they have decided that her working part time is the best thing for their family life, then she should still have a 50 percent say in how finances are managed. If not, then I would be questioning the part time decision, and would probably get rid. What kind of marriage is that when you don't share? Sadly, looking at the many responses questioning her decision to work part time, it is a common issue in marriage now.

This is an incredible charity, doing brilliant work to highlight what economic abuse is and the far reaching and devastating impact it can have.

This is something that the OP seems to be skimming over and not understanding.

.......OP......you say she never pays money back

Have you asked her for the money back that she owes to you?
If yes and she doesn't pay it what excuse does she give?

Why does she have to be around for teens? Sounds like an excuse not to work FT

£1k pays for a lot of clothes unless they buy very high end only. How much are 3 phone contracts? Sounds like she lives over her means if she can’t manage on 1k a month and maybe that’s why DH doesn’t give her extra cash

£1k on yourself and two kids per month is not enough when you have ZERO bills or mortgage to pay? You must be joking?!
maybe she could work more or the teens can get a job then?
Most families can’t afford one person working 3 days a week once the kids are older.

posters seem very hung up on the amount the friend has to spend 'on herself' without noticing that she also has to cover her teen DCs costs out of that as well when I became a single parent I had approx £2000 a month too live on. I had to pay all the bills, food, mortgage, stuff for the kids.

She doesn’t even know?! 😳

All you know is she doesn't want to tell him, if that's down to his behaviour or hers you don't know. What you can confirm is that she has £1000 a month and borrows off everyone for non essential spending and doesn't pay at least you back. That's not about abuse, that's about her spending habits and her willingness to take advantage of friends and family. It would be different if she was borrowing for bills or rent or mortgage, but that's not the case.

It doesn't sound like financial abuse. If your friend is unhappy perhaps there is another reason for it. If she's not asking you to help I'm not sure what you can do for her.

I think the only issue here really is the savings. From his perspective, he pays the mortgage. all the bills, all the food. It’s only fair that she pays for the kids, otherwise she isn’t contributing anything.

If this was a woman posting that she pays all the food and bills and her DH was complaining about having to pay for all the kids while choosing to work part time she’d be told he was a cocklodger.

posters seem very hung up on the amount the friend has to spend 'on herself' without noticing that she also has to cover her teen DCs costs out of that as well
I wonder how much choice she has actually had over being a SAHM, I wonder if conversations along the lines of 'but most of your salary will go in childcare so its not worth you getting a job' were had

I wonder if she has a pension, if the house is in joint names, and what his will says

OP there is useful information here-
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/understanding-economic-abuse/spotting-the-signs/
and this site explains that economic abuse is not just about money- its wider than that

Yes, I wouldn’t be happy with that at all. I am surprised so many posters do not see an issue with the secretiveness of how the family finances are structured and the lack of teamwork?

The no communication about the finances especially if married is a big problem. If he is running up debts on his side and they split up, she would be jointly liable for them. His capacity to create debt is much greater than hers because of how much he earns and the ability to raise debt on the jointly owned home, possibly without telling her either.

Presumably, the wife also has to pay for the teenagers’ birthday and Xmas presents, clothes, uniforms, necessary computer equipment for studying, furniture for their rooms, hobbies, holidays, costs for private mental health therapy for the teenager who is unwell? I can see how she would possibly run out of money, unless she began to live like they were poor, which is ridiculous since DH is on £120K.

@catstaff47 I would encourage her to get a full time job and for her put away her own savings and pay into her pension. Perhaps once she has done this and nothing has changed in relation to the lack of financial teamwork, she may be able to envisage a life of independence without him. I would really hate not knowing how I stood financially. At least she is married.