This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

And why on earth doesn't she get a full time job if she wants even more money?

Why does she often have no money? Has she got a problem with spending/a shopping addiction? How is £250 a week for luxuries and treats not enough?

I don’t have £250 pocket per month, nevermind per week to spend on whatever I want. We’re a family of four, £150 woulr be almost two weeks worth of shopping.

Surely the person choosing not to contribute to the household is the financially abusive one, not the one paying all the bills.

iShe has £250 PW for her self, all bills are paid. and ultimately, I would imagine, whatever he saved she will benefit from in their retirement. Personally, I would be asking to know what our financial position is, but this set up is fairly common from what I can observe.

I think the fact that OP is clearly well off, and the dramatic reaction of the mother…..

I think the OP is being used and the mother is aware of it and all the drama is a smokescreen.

This woman never puts her hand in her pocket to pay. Never. This is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard and makes me disbelieve everything else.

Who regularly meets friends for food and coffee and doesn’t even offer to pay their way, or at least make it look like they want to pay the whole thing? There is no way on earth she hasn’t had the ability to pay for a lunch. If you truly were embarrassed - you wouldn’t keep going out penniless.

I think she’s lying and the OP is quizzing her and it’s getting harder to justify her grifting ways.

I don't understand all the defensive replies.

Plenty of women on MN and in RL even those with older DCs or even no DCs at home choose not to work at all and live off their DH's earnings.

This woman does work and I bet that she does all the chores, taxiing for DCs and life admin to facilitate her DH's big job.

I think it's very sad that a couple who have been married long enough to have teenagers together do not share finances and says a lot about the man's character.

But why should he give half his money to someone who chooses to work part time and who contributes almost nothing?

This is a woman who has £1000 a month to herself, who does contribute towards the kids, but freeloads off her friends and family, and the fact she doesn’t actually offer to pay shows that she doesn’t think she should have to.

Perhaps her DH should ask how much she has in savings, because she’s clearly not spending it.

But which bit has he actually done wrong himself?

Those aren't the actions of a friend, they're the actions of someone who is entitled and selfish. I'd start to just do free activities with her and see if she sticks around when you're not paying for her to socialise with you. Taking money off relatives who don't have much when it's for non essentials are the actions of someone who is entitled and selfish. Whether he is abusive or not is incidental to these actions. She's choosing to use others for money, she's choosing to put her non essentials purchases ahead of the needs of her relatives with their own money. I wouldn't be friends with someone who could do that. Her actions of selfish and entitled. If she didn't do these things I might sympathise with her but given how she's treating her family and friends I have no sympathy for her.

Sounds like he's treating her as staff, not a partner. I wouldn't say financial abuse but am unequal relationship for sure.

That's an extremely low amount, on the food shopping thread a few weeks ago no one was spending as low as £60 on a family of 4.

No they can still have their own accounts for personal spending money but wages should go in to a joint account which would pay for all bills, food and most importantly all of the kids costs. Then split whatevers left in to each personal account for independent spending money.

Not really, we are a family of 4 with a cat. We spend on average £60 a week on food and cleaning etc.i wouldn't know what to do with £150 a week

We always had separate accounts - I was the higher earner

we put 30 percent of our wages each which covered bills and food ) we put 20 percent of our wages in to cover children’s stuff that months and savings. The other 50 percent was our separate accounts, never knew how much he saved and vice versa and no unless an emergency I wouldn’t lend him money 🤣🤣

He can't be that controlling if he is happy for her to go out for coffee lunch theatre and weekends away on a regular basis.
And given that OP said she doesn't ask to borrow money she just sits back and only pays her share if asked it would seem she does have money after all.

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd your dh shouldn't have to contribute to anything, it's literal violence to expect an adult human to continue to their general life costs.
You should be happy they're happy to be a free loading scum bag willing to live off you.

“I am the main earner in the house. I pay all the bills, the mortgage, and I put £150 a week into the household account for groceries. DH only works part time, he earns approx £1000 a month, and from that he buys things the kids need, although I do also contribute to that. Today I’ve found out that he’s been borrowing money from his friends which he hasn’t paid back, as well as from his family, and they’ve accused me of financial abuse.”

How would that one go down I wonder.

The lengths people are going to to defend this woman are astounding. £1000 a month, to spend on whatever she wants, and she’s pissed that she has to support her own children when she has no other bills to pay, and she’s scrounging money regularly from her friends and low earning relatives which she then isn’t paying back.

And she bloody well should be able to feed a family for £600 a month.

@DoreenonTill8 nope. No flying unicorn. No Cartier watch. No designer handbag. Gonna get my ducks in a row and LTB.

I presume you’ll be saying that on the next thread where posters are encouraging someone to make sure they have financial independence? An escape fund?

Poor lamb...£150 a week food shop.. torture!!!

@Username197 did that bastard not buy you the princess flying unicorn you deserve?!
SUE HIM!!!

@catstaff47 I can understand why it's irritating but you only have her side in fairness - you don't know 100% she couldn't work more or that she spends £15 a day on coffee and lunch - if she is spending her wages on paying kids clubs and lunches etc etc -why doesn't she feel she can have an honest conversation about it? Is he an angry person ?? Because it's clear she has money but it's not enough - why is that? Is it due to paying for the kids?they spend more on food than he gives her? She spends far more than you know on bits and bobs? Feels obliged to keep up with the yoga/gym bunny set but without the income/funds- I don't think we can blame it all on H being tight as we don't know the full score and maybe you don't either !!

I think he should be prepared to shoulder most of the financial responsibility, yes, and "hand over" the money to the family. It sounds like his wife has shouldered most of the responsibility for the children since they were born.

I have said he is controlling based on what the OP has said including

When she does the food shopping she has to keep to £150. She has to go round with the scanner thing so she adds it up as she goes. Then she gets the inquisition from him about why did she buy this and not that.

This is controlling behaviour

Only on MN!

Might start a thread about how much I’ve been abused throughout my life because I haven't had access to unlimited money 🙄😭

PS do you think I should go NC with my parents as they only gave me £5 a week pocket money and my friends got more? Should I leave my husband because we had to budget our bills and dropped some subscriptions I quite liked?