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AIBU?

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Original poster

This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

618 replies

catstaff47 · 19/10/2024 19:43

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

  1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

  2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

  3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

  4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

  5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

OP posts:
HFJ · 20/10/2024 08:37

His n’ hers calculation

His: 120k is around 6k a month after tax. After mortgage, bills and family food ‘allowance’, this leaves arround 3k a month to spend on anything he likes for himself (or save). If he’s saving all of this, he may have half a million stashed away.

Hers: 1k a month to spend on herself and the children.

There is a huge imbalance here, not just in terms of financial freedom, but also pension entitlements since he’s probably built a significant pension through his work.

Being a SAHM is a big financial sacrifice. This lady is also trapped and the set up suggests a form of control is at play.

I’d be interested to know whether the mortgage is in both names.

NeedToChangeName · 20/10/2024 08:37

I'd be interested to hear the DH's take on this

Simonjt · 20/10/2024 08:37

edwinbear · 20/10/2024 08:29

We have a bigger family income that your friend and her DH, but my 2 teen DC don’t get £20 a week each for going out. They get £40 a month allowance for spending money. They can earn a bit more doing gardening/washing the cars etc if they need it. I will pay for them to go to the cinema with friends etc but that might happen maybe 2-3 times a year maximum. The DC need reining in with their spending. And DH and I manage perfectly fine with about £100 a week each for our own spends. Both she and her DC sounds like spendthrifts tbh.

We have a similar family income, if our son expected £5 a day to eat out we’d probably laugh, what a waste of money. By the time he is an older teen he’ll get £40 a month, he will be expected to fund all days out with mates, additonal snacks on the way to school from that. We certainly won’t be chucking £20 notes at him or buying dominoes pizza.

leafybrew · 20/10/2024 08:35

well said @Simonjt

The OP doesn't want to hear this - but prefers to stick to her narrative that her friend is so hard done by Confused

edwinbear · 20/10/2024 08:33

And yes, my DC take packed lunch to school.

SallyWD · 20/10/2024 08:32

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:23

How can it be right to not share money with your wife? How can it be ok to not tell your wife how much money you have saved (or not)?

Getting a full time job may give her a bit more money, sure. But that won't solve the issue. She will still have a DH who treats her as a separate financial entity - who is secretive snd inflexible.

Yes, but you don't exactly what's happening, do you? You asked her why she doesn't ask him about money but you didn't get an answer. You're making assumptions. Maybe she has more money than you realise, maybe he gives her money and she fritters it away. She hasn't told you he's financially abusing her. Maybe he has very little money left over. My DH earns a similar amount and we don't have much left at the end of each month.
He's not treating her as a separate financial entity. He's paying for nearly everything and supporting her while she earns very little.

edwinbear · 20/10/2024 08:29

We have a bigger family income that your friend and her DH, but my 2 teen DC don’t get £20 a week each for going out. They get £40 a month allowance for spending money. They can earn a bit more doing gardening/washing the cars etc if they need it. I will pay for them to go to the cinema with friends etc but that might happen maybe 2-3 times a year maximum. The DC need reining in with their spending. And DH and I manage perfectly fine with about £100 a week each for our own spends. Both she and her DC sounds like spendthrifts tbh.

Simonjt · 20/10/2024 08:28

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:18

But if she has say, £240 per week - out if that she gives the kids lunch money each day (she has told me this) - she gives them £5 per day and there's 2 of them so that's £50 per week. Then they will go out at weekends or after school so that will cost her. Supposing that's another £20 each per week (as a very conservative estimate). So m that brings her down to say, £160. Then she pays a tutor, £50 pw. Su she is left with £100 for food top ups, clothes, phone contracts - everything. What if one of them needs boots , or a coat, or school uniform, or books for school, or a haircut or just anything? They are HIS kids as much as hers. Every month is different, some months will be more expensive than others. It shouldn't all be on her to manage the variable costs of the DC - not when she has a husband who earns at least £120k , probably more. Who carries on like this with 2 kids? It's insane.

Giving children £5 a day is a choice, they can make their own packup. Them going out after school and at the weekends is a choice, she doesn’t have to fund that. Coats etc are one off costs, costs that are easily affordable when you have £1,000 in disposable income.

Yes they are also his children, which is exactly why he is providing them with a home, water, electricity, likely a family vehicle or some form of transport and household food. If she genuinely wanted shared finances she’d be paying towards the mortgage, utilities and council tax, but it appears she chooses to pay £0 towards these.

SophiaJ8 · 20/10/2024 08:27

I think she’s just really shit with money

HaveYouSeenRain · 20/10/2024 08:27

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:23

How can it be right to not share money with your wife? How can it be ok to not tell your wife how much money you have saved (or not)?

Getting a full time job may give her a bit more money, sure. But that won't solve the issue. She will still have a DH who treats her as a separate financial entity - who is secretive snd inflexible.

Well I think there is a reason why he doesn’t tell her! I have no idea how much money my DH has saved and guess what? I don’t care, I don’t feel entitled to it. I have my own money and savings and he doesn’t know how much i have saved.

personally I think she doesn’t tell you the truth and wants to be a kept wife with unlimited spending money.

SallyWD · 20/10/2024 08:26

catstaff47 · 19/10/2024 20:25

She feels she can't ask. I don't really get it.

Ok maybe she's scared of him. Is that what you're implying? Or perhaps she feels bad because he's paying all the bills and she's spending £1000 on herself each month and running out of money. Maybe she feels guilty and that's why she doesn't ask him for more money. You seem a little too involved in all this.
If my friend was able to work so little whilst her DH paid the bills I wouldn't think she was being abused. They may have an awful marriage, he may be secretive and mean with money but that's her business. She has the option of working more (and leaving him, if she wants). It's her life and her marriage.

HaveYouSeenRain · 20/10/2024 08:24

I think her entitlement is showing:

  • DH pays for a huge house and all bills incl food
  • she works PT only, despite older kids
  • expects friends and family to bail her out despite having £250 a week disposable income
  • then complains that DH does not give her more money

Kids sound as entitled as her, demanding take aways and texting for money.

Mt563 · 20/10/2024 08:24

Sounds like the kids need pocket money to cover all this pizza and weekend stuff. Then they can learn the value.of money and how to budget plus mum will have a better idea of her outgoings

Original poster
catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:23

How can it be right to not share money with your wife? How can it be ok to not tell your wife how much money you have saved (or not)?

Getting a full time job may give her a bit more money, sure. But that won't solve the issue. She will still have a DH who treats her as a separate financial entity - who is secretive snd inflexible.

OP posts:
HaveYouSeenRain · 20/10/2024 08:19

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:18

But if she has say, £240 per week - out if that she gives the kids lunch money each day (she has told me this) - she gives them £5 per day and there's 2 of them so that's £50 per week. Then they will go out at weekends or after school so that will cost her. Supposing that's another £20 each per week (as a very conservative estimate). So m that brings her down to say, £160. Then she pays a tutor, £50 pw. Su she is left with £100 for food top ups, clothes, phone contracts - everything. What if one of them needs boots , or a coat, or school uniform, or books for school, or a haircut or just anything? They are HIS kids as much as hers. Every month is different, some months will be more expensive than others. It shouldn't all be on her to manage the variable costs of the DC - not when she has a husband who earns at least £120k , probably more. Who carries on like this with 2 kids? It's insane.

And is it not her house too? And doesn’t she use water and electricity?
nobody knows what he earns or how high the mortgage is, all we know is she doesn’t contribute but can spend money how she pleases.

1K is a ton of fun money and clothes for 3, stop pretending it is not. Maybe the kids need to get jobs to finance their take aways and clothes.

SallyWD · 20/10/2024 08:19

It sounds like an unhappy marriage. That to me is the problem, not financial abuse. Seems like financially they're OK. He takes care of the bills and she has plenty (more than most people) to spend on herself.
I think she should earn more, really. I was in a similar situation of DH earning a lot whilst I only earnt about £15k. However, now my children are at secondary school I'm increasing my hours to earn more for the family. She doesn't need to be there for teenagers before 5pm. It just seems a bit off that she's earning so little then not having enough.
I agree that her DH shouldn't be secretive about money. That's not good at all. I wouldn't call it financial abuse though. She's in a bit of a cushy situation while he's having to support everyone.

HaveYouSeenRain · 20/10/2024 08:18

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:04

I do take the point about her never offering to pay for things. It used to wind me up a lot. But now I just don't do it. I just tell her to pay for her own. Sometimes I've been quite blunt about it, but that's how it has to be, unfortunately.

But she pays for her kids friends and not hers. Honestly take a step back, she is probably not telling you the full truth and she is not being financially abused.

Original poster
catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:18

But if she has say, £240 per week - out if that she gives the kids lunch money each day (she has told me this) - she gives them £5 per day and there's 2 of them so that's £50 per week. Then they will go out at weekends or after school so that will cost her. Supposing that's another £20 each per week (as a very conservative estimate). So m that brings her down to say, £160. Then she pays a tutor, £50 pw. Su she is left with £100 for food top ups, clothes, phone contracts - everything. What if one of them needs boots , or a coat, or school uniform, or books for school, or a haircut or just anything? They are HIS kids as much as hers. Every month is different, some months will be more expensive than others. It shouldn't all be on her to manage the variable costs of the DC - not when she has a husband who earns at least £120k , probably more. Who carries on like this with 2 kids? It's insane.

OP posts:
PicturePlace · 20/10/2024 08:12

Hiddenbump · 19/10/2024 22:35

OP I agree with you in my view there should be full transparency in relation to financial matters, what money is spent on how money is saved etc. the issue isn't the amount of money he 'gives' her but rather the fact she doesn't have full access to all family finances. The idea that she should just go back to work full time doesn't take account of the fact that presumably her not working full time benefits the husband he doesn't have to worry about making dinners, housework, taking kids to appointments. The views here are indicative of misogyny that I find often rears it's head on these types of threads on Mumsnet.

She works school hours three days a week...

howshouldibehave · 20/10/2024 08:11

The kids sound like they are becoming demanding and need to be told no to requests for takeaway pizza and texting her all day for money. She needs to stop expecting her friend to pay for her meals out!

If she worked full time, a lot of her issues would be solved really-earning more would make things simpler.

PicturePlace · 20/10/2024 08:09

Hmmmm - If he is earning 100k a year then he should be contributing a hell of a lot more than £150 for food per week.

He is! He is paying the mortgage and all household bills as well!

PicturePlace · 20/10/2024 08:07

metoo62 · 19/10/2024 22:05

I think She needs to do something sooner rather than later. At the moment probably prepare to earn more. Later perhaps separate once she can financially earn enough for bills, mortgage and expensives, depending if where they are there are good universities etc. Imagine having to support several kids through uni, some even at the same time, and the kids get only the minimum amount of loan due to the father income and one of the kids with health problems too. She needs legal advise.

But you've made that entire scenario up?

PicturePlace · 20/10/2024 08:05

SqueamishHamish · 19/10/2024 22:01

To me a marriage is putting together all your resources in one pot and making a fair plan to evenly distribute it. If they have decided that her working part time is the best thing for their family life, then she should still have a 50 percent say in how finances are managed. If not, then I would be questioning the part time decision, and would probably get rid. What kind of marriage is that when you don't share? Sadly, looking at the many responses questioning her decision to work part time, it is a common issue in marriage now.

But they are sharing! She has £1k a month for shits and giggles!

tuvamoodyson · 20/10/2024 08:04

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/10/2024 23:15

So she does have money to pay ?

Show quote history

Then that makes her sound like a sponger!

Original poster
catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:04

I do take the point about her never offering to pay for things. It used to wind me up a lot. But now I just don't do it. I just tell her to pay for her own. Sometimes I've been quite blunt about it, but that's how it has to be, unfortunately.

OP posts:
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