This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

Maybe he doesn’t pay for things because he doesn’t have £1k a month disposable income? Maybe out of his £6k a month salary, he’s paying £3k a month mortgage, £500 a month on car finance, £500 on debt/credit card repayments, £600 a month on food and £1k a month on insurances/council tax/utilities/commuting costs/petrol. Meanwhile his wife is frittering money away on frivolities and telling anyone who will listen she’s being financially abused?

It’s all working out quite well for her in real life then, isn’t it? Plenty of people to step in to top up her lifestyle so she doesn’t have to work full time.

Has she considered

• working more
• asking kids to get PT jobs
• spending less on things like take aways

Let’s put it another way.

She starts to mind as much as you, they have words and decide to separate.

Things are spilt and she gets all the equity in the house and buys a house half the size with a small mortgage of £100k. No spousal support as she can work full time.

Mortgage - £500 a month. Bills etc £600 a month. Food £500 a month.

She works full time and earns £25k - £1780 a month. Child support of £500 maybe.

£2380 - £1600 = £780 a month to so with as she pleases.

Once again, because you don't seem to understand: £1,000 a month for frivolities is not a "limited budget".

And once again, because you have ignored this point several times: If she wants EVEN MORE money to spend on luxuries, then why doesn't she work more hours to earn it? Why should her husband fund her life of high luxury?

she shouldn't have accepted the money

Agree.

And he should pay them back

Disagree. She should get a full time job and pay them back.

Him not paying for a holiday for her is not financial abuse FFS.

I can’t even remember last time I asked my mum for money. The friend has no shame, and I am sure her DH knows what she is like with money

Have you thought that if he is earning £120k plus he’ll be working long hours in a very very stressful job.

He pays all the bills, mortgage (which will be massive on a £1m property) utilities etc plus £600 a month on food.

Meanwhile his wife works 3 days a week, school hours only, when she doesn’t need to and could work FT as the children are now teenagers. They could also get a job as well for their own pocket money.

And yet, this isn’t enough, they all want more of his cash.

Perhaps he feels used, like a cash cow for the family. Sounds like they all want him to fund their lifestyle because he earns well. Maybe he’s stressed about this.

You refuse to answer why none of them can contribute more financially but to be honest I think from what details you've given, why should all the financial burden fall to him?

You are blaming him, and he’s the one paying for everything. You need to step outside.

This.

Some family members go on and on about him as a petulant, controlling bd basically. So I hear this all the time. Everyone has stories

It sounds like your family hate him! If he’s really tight or horrible, why did she marry him? If he has suddenly become horrible, she can leave-she’d still have to work full time then though!

Do you fritter money too, and that's the reason you defend your relative so much? Because you think this level of spending is normal? It is difficult to be sympathetic with someone who says that they have to give £5 each day to each kid for lunch and then give random amounts of money every time the kids ask for it.

We have a similar income (slightly less but no big difference) and I am not buying meal deals every day, it is absolutely a waste of money, it is ridiculous to do that with two kids every day. I am surprised that you think this is normal spending and are not outraged at you relative asking pensioners from the family to fund that. The normal thing would be for your relative to ask the kids to take a packed lunch, maybe given them the £5 just once a week for example. Definitely that before asking pensioners to fund daily meal deals!

The fact that the husband earns that, doesnt mean he has to be happy spending the money like that, just because he can afford it. My DH is the higher earner and nearly always takes a packed lunch. We rather do overpayments than waste the money that way.

You are having laugh now! Some of us actually work and contribute to household bills and mortgage and raise kids. Yes very low bar to be able to work PT and live in a huge house and never worry about bills.

I personally wouldn’t, but then I would never have married anyone who was tight. It’s my least fave thing.

You are blaming him, and he’s the one paying for everything. You need to step outside.

Do you know how many people actually DREAM of this set up?

Every single bill paid for and £1000 a month to spend is literally what most people would LOVE to have.

It really is that simple.

So presumably this ‘very close’ family relative is your sister and the elderly parents she’s taking money are your parents.

Even if you think you know the ins and outs of a marriage, you are still only getting her side of things.

She could be terrible with money and budgeting which is why he does it all. She could have run up debts! He might be really struggling being the main bread winner whilst she fancies working part time. He might secretly want her to work full time to share the load.

We don’t know because she is seemingly unable to speak to him.

If she comes to you for advice, tell her to get a full time job asap. Teenagers don’t need her at home the minute they get in get in from school.

Everyone has stories about how he never pays for anything

Well, that’s clearly not true is it. He pays for all of the ongoing household expenses for the whole family!

So the holiday that the parents paid for was it her share of the family holiday, did the DH say right we are off to x for our holiday it costs 5k I will pay my share, you pay yours and DC. Or was it something she wanted to do with the DC that didn't involve him or he had said they couldn't afford.

He would have been like this when she met him. It was her choice to marry him and have children. People don’t change.

If she does not like it, she can leave. But IMO he isn’t doing anything wrong as such, he’s just secretive and stingy. He may have lots of debts and be embarrassed BUT he’s still supporting their whole lives and you don’t seem to want to give him any credit.

She's married to him she should be able to ask him about money.
She needs to work FT

He sounds horrible. £1,000 pm disposable income really isn't much when you have £100k plus income and teenagers.

So just this week I've paid £70 for tutors, £100 for school trips, £50 for day out with 2 daughters.

It's really hard to economise when you have teens because they need everything now and waiting means they miss out - they're struggling with maths and ask for a gcse tutor, they just had a growth spurt and their clothes are adult prices, the school email pops into your inbox about the £80 politics trip next week for their A level.

Yes, you can live on beans and do nothing apart from school but you shouldn't have to on £100k.

Your friend is considerably financially better off under this arrangement than if she were supporting herself independently so she isn't suffering a financial detriment, quite the reverse. However whether her H is abusive is a different matter. Many women are well provided for, given a lifestyle they could no way afford without a man, enabled not to work, and want for nothing; however they may also be controlled, given no autonomy, restricted to what their H deems they should have, and resourses or threats to withdraw them used to coerce and punish. Its not the arrangements that make the situation abusive, its the inbuilt power inequality and whether or not the man chooses to exploit that or not.

I have two people in my life that are either family or as good as.

One is a single parent on a decent income but has debts and struggles to balance the money each month. Often has next to nothing for last week of month.

Other is single and has low outgoings. Has eluded to having a very decent amount of savings. Earns £500 a day very easily.

One of these people always lets me pay for
lunch, and very occasionally will pay for herself. The other one is deeply uncomfortable about me paying for lunch to the extent I have to do it secretly to avoid words.

Guess which one is which?

I think we all know people no matter how much money they have, it’s somehow never enough and they are always “skint” when actually they have lots and can afford things like tutors, take aways, constantly new clothes, lunch money instead of packing a lunch. OP even if it’s your sister, she sounds bad at budgeting and not financially abused. She doesn’t take any responsibility for household bills but can’t budget her own income. You are very dismissive about her DH, when it sounds like he is working a stressful job, struggles with his MH and is providing a huge beautiful home for everyone. Maybe he would like to work less but can’t because household expenses are so high.

Instead of saying no to the kids your “friend”is asking her elderly mum for money?! Tells me everything.