to feel used by my niece

This thread is 18 months old?

If you allow her to treat you like an ATM, you only have yourself to blame. Connection is about being valued for who you are not what you can provide. Transactional relationship are never healthy or comfortable.

She's 12! She doesn't have much in common with you and probably does want to be nice to you partly as she hopes for a gift. It doesn't mean she's 'using' you. What is it you want in return from a child?
She should be polite enough to say thank you and send a card or message to that effect. As well as sending a card or small gift on your birthday/Xmas. But she doesn't have her own money so it's more politeness she needs to do to reciprocate at that age.
If she doesn't do that then maybe you should reconsider gifting things to her anymore. But at 12 I wouldn't expect much tbh.

My Nana's two other grandchildren never used to bother much with her but would always visit the week before their birthday. They were arrogant enough to think she didn't know what they were up to.

Next time don't give money as you have been. See what happens.

Surely you giving her money for holiday/birthday/Christmas isn't contingent on her facetiming with you?

The op doesn’t have to send money. That’s her choice. Just say “I hope you have a great holiday. Don’t make contact about money and break the cycle.

She may be hoping to remind you about her birthday or whatever, but it doesn't mean she's using you. You've been there all her life, though not frequently seen in person, and these long-standing connections are important to children even when they are apparently taking them for granted.

I have one niece and for years we have bought birthday and Christmas presents. This was a push from me, DH would have forgotten (it’s his sister’s kid).

We always visited them no matter how many hours drive and I would bring extra gifts and play like I was a babysitter, when she was smaller. When older I would try to have conversations with her. The whole time we hardly got a thanks or any acknowledgment. Now we have a DC and have not received nothing from niece’s mum or niece (both who have jobs too). I deeply regret all that money and time wasted.

It sounds OP, at least your niece is connecting with you.

Look at it as she appreciates you will send money and gets in touch to show her appreciation

Just try and see the best in her. If she is using you then that shouldn’t matter because your relationship will still grow and develop from the contact. If you get resentful and not send any you will damage the relationship!
why not send her a few texts and FaceTime less.

Do you contact her at other times?

You presumably don't expect a 12yo to keep up regular contact with you? That is your job IMO.

If I knew my children were doing this, I’d tell them that it is poor form and to stop.

Me too. I'd be horrified if my - now adult - kids did this at that age.

It sets the seed that you can use people to get what you want.

Totally normal.

It's totally normal. Would you rather she just didn't phone?

She's 12. Quite normal.

Children are mini capitalists. Forgive her and live her in spite of it.

I've never been in contact with my aunts so frequently. I think your expectations are high

It’s probably a bit much to say a 12 year old is using you. And if she is, it’s the precedent you set.

At the moment that's what your relationship looks like, she's 12. But that's how your keep the relationship going and then it will develop as she gets older. You will become the Aunt that she remembers cared enough to send her money and face time her. I wish my kids had someone like that x

Normal for a 12 year old I think. I’m sure as she gets older and matures she will reflect and be a more appreciative about the things you do (and give) her.

We try not to encourage such behaviour in our 12-year-old. Calling up and keeping in touch with family should not be connected to expectations of money—that will encourage mercenary tendencies and define the adult she will grow to be.
Our family sends her gifts for her birthday and Christmas, that's it...
There are also some random gifts that bring her much happiness due to being unexpected.
For her sake, do what you can to discourage this behaviour. Instead give her a random gift unconnected with the facetime calls....
Forgot to add that it will also teach her the benefit of saving up her money for when she needs it ...

If you look at this from another perspective - if she already thinks you’ll send thd money anyway, perhaos she FaceTimes you out of gratitude. Ie. Holiday coming up, lovely aunt user8291001 usually* *sends money, she’s so nice… I should FaceTime her!

how often do you facetime her?

Is it that she doesn't answer you? so the only contact is when she wants something? or is it shes the one making the issue

Having several children over the age of 12, I don’t think this is ‘normal’ behaviour. I can understand why the weekly FaceTime calls have fallen by the wayside but she knows to and is well able to contact you when she wants something which as I said above isn’t a nice trait. It’s grabby and selfish and honestly, I wouldn’t send her money outside of birthdays and Christmas. If I knew my children were doing this, I’d tell them that it is poor form and to stop.

Perfectly normal!