To envy women who found good male partners?

I envy this too OP, and I always wonder what alchemy creates truly compatible partnerships.

I like my best friend's approach to it all. She started looking for Mr Right, seriously, when she was 33 and not in a mood to mess around. She told any potentials very plainly what she wanted, which was marriage and children and no messing about with 10-year engagements and whatnot. That approach sifted out a lot, and she found someone who wanted the same things and married him in short order afterwards. It seems to be going well.

Very true! Some men are genuine good guys who respect women, are not lazy, value their families, are not scared of commitment, are honest and kind.
There is indeed an element of luck when you date, and you could easily waste your 20s/30s dating guys that seem great first but are not vs dating a good one and staying with him long term.

I'm having this dilemma currently. I'm close friends with a really good guy, who's 3 inches shorter than me. I don't know if he's really interested anyway, but I can't even make myself find him attractive, even though I know he's a decent man, and on paper we're a pretty good match.

Very true.

You could say the same about short men. I wonder how many women of average height dismissed a short man and ended up with a tall arsehole!

Honestly, find yourself a nerd. Sounds weird but my husband was a complete basement dwelling gamer nerd (but a fantastic man, funny, attractive under a lot of bad "changeable" features and a lot of fun to be around) who lived with his mum. He was often overlooked because of this. He didn't get out much or meet many women and was a virgin when I met him in his mid-20s. I met him at work and we got close, I think it was the first female attention he had had in his life. He dotes on me and I've always been the kind of person who loves very hard so we were very comparable from the beginning. He very soon moved out from his mums and in with me and let me "make him over" (haircut, new clothes because he didn't really care what he wore anyway, and upgraded his personal grooming routine). He's a wonderful, loyal person and a great dad and partner. I'll never have to worry about him cheating... he's too much of a nerd and just so grateful he managed to find one woman!!! (I'm also very glad I ditched the "popular" boys and decided to give him a chance, best decision of my life and so grateful he was open to it).

Not trying to gloat, what I'm saying is that often the ones who are overlooked can make the best partners.

I am in many ways one of the lucky ones, but luck only takes you so far. We’ve had to overcome some serious problems in our time together, he definitely did not come from parents who are any kind of role model for a good marriage, and it has taken work and a willingness to grow on both sides to still be together and glad of that fact after 26 years.

My mum has been lucky enough to both have married the first time and been happy until dad fucked off with OW, then post divorce some years later to meet the man she now considers the love of her life when she was in her late forties. So it can happen later in life, but I recognise that isn’t the case for everyone.

If DH and I were to split up, though, I would choose to stay single. I don’t have the energy to go through running a new life partner and would likely just stock up on cats.

I had long marriage to a good man. He was supportive, but it didn't happened by magic, I had to ask for what was needed and gave a similar amount back. At times it was hard work.

I miss him sometimes, but on balance I think even though I would never have changed things if he hadn't died, and I believed myself to be very happy, life is more comfortable, easier and often more fulfilling single.

This is very true. Though some people do find happiness with someone else, the problem is that a shitty co-parent can make things very difficult.

Also agree that it’s nothing to do with looks. They can actually be a barrier - I think men are more likely to choose a partner based on their looks rather than compatibility, but then both parties can end up disappointed as a result long term.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way OP.

I agree with PPs that it is just luck. I’ve known my DH since I was a child. We got together when I was 20 and he was 23 and we’re still together 26 years later. I don’t believe in ‘the one’ - I think it would be an incredible coincidence that I found my ‘one’ only a mile from my house.

I think we had a very similar childhood, even as far as being in the same school with the same teachers and knowing the same people- lots of mutual friends, and our parents had mutual friends with each other. That shared history makes everything feel that much easier I think. And then the rest has just been luck. Most of us change as people over our lives, and DH and I have been lucky enough to change in the same direction.

I do hope you meet someone lovely, perhaps when you’re least expecting it. Or if not, that you can make your peace with being single. 💐

I was talking about people I know. I don't know you.

Yes the good ones get snapped up which is why it makes sense to get married in your 20's, as good women don't divorce good men. Why would they?

My first husband and father of my DC was a horrible abusive arsehole and I divorced him. I went on to meet my now husband who is wonderful. We have been together for 35 years and I wouldn’t swap him for anything, so it doesn’t have to be ‘get it right first time’
I hope someone wonderful comes along for you OP

I feel for you, OP. I think all you can do is keep putting yourself out there while also having high standards and strong boundaries and hope for the best.

I do think the luck comes in when people meet their partners in that mid-late twenties sweet spot. When I used to hear people lament that dating was a nightmare in 30s and 40s and that they felt they had to ‘settle’, I used to think that was complete rubbish, but now that I’m older I can more plainly see that the dating pool of decent men is very small once you’re past your very early 30s. Not many women getting rid of their loving, faithful and reliable husbands/partners – only the shit ones are released back into the world.

I attract the ones who are desperate to have me. They’ll make all the effort in the world and then I’ll find out they have been caught on dating apps or have a secret girlfriend. I instantly end it but this has been the pattern.

Over the past year or so I have found it hard to even give men a second of my time and learnt to enjoy my peace. I can’t trust them.

Edit to add. These pathetic men that act single to pursue other women probably look like they have the perfect relationship to people they know. I’m probably cynical but I don’t believe a lot of what is portrayed

Absolutely not! I’m single for life and quite evangelical about it. I recommend this podcast episode to anyone interested in the topic:

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0022cdk?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

I'm in the same boat as you Op, met loser after loser, let down after let down. The last 8 months wasted so much time chatting to men online and not met up with a single one, ghosting, letting down, cancelling last minute, you name it. Destined to be alone I think

I’m short and fat, it’s not just looks, it’s connection. We have been through ups and downs and really hard times partly because we both had messed up parenting in different ways. We both had to work at it, both have had therapy etc. But he’s a fundamentally decent kind man.

But I think finding someone genuine, well intentioned and not selfish does seem quite hard sometimes. I have some amazing women in my family (smart, attractive etc etc) who just never found anyone (there is nothing “wrong” with them me). It’s probably not you OP, most women in my experience are much more appealing than most men.

I am happy and loved but I’ve had really awful previous relationships (DV). It was sheer luck stumbling over my DH.

I think a HUGE amount of this is down to sheer luck. The luck of actually finding a compatible partner amongst all the would-be partners out there.

I also feel that women only have one chance to get it right. The first time with the father of their children.

I don't know any women whose initial relationship with the father of her children has broken down who has then gone on to have a fabulous relationship with someone else.

So to summarise again, a woman has to

1. be lucky
2. get it right the first time.

Edited to add that it's nothing to do with looks, otherwise beautiful people would all be happy.

Very few people get everything out of life that they had hoped for. You should not hope for or depend on a man to make your life whole. Just read the boards here to see how much pain relationships and family life can bring!

Find friends that are on the same wavelength as you and cherish them. You don't have to sit home alone on a Saturday night. And even if you do, you can find something rewarding to occupy your time.

I do have a good partner. And I don't think he and I are in anyway jigsaw pieces. I think I was super lucky to meet him before someone else did so I agree some men (and some women) are just objectively good people.
I'm sorry you haven't met yours yet. It does seem to be tougher the older you get but not impossible. It's hard to know if it's better to not search or to put some effort in- I have friends who have met their partners in their 40s when searching. And some who have met their second (better) partners in their 60s with no searching.
But I have no advice I'm sorry. I hope you find your contentment in life with or without someone.

Enjoy your freedom, really cherish it. There are not many women in relationships who have never envied single people. It’s much easier to build a life you love when you’re living it entirely on your own terms. Sooner or later the menopause will help you realise what a lucky escape you’ve had! It’s quite shocking to look back at what we are prepared to put up with when our reproductive hormones are running the show.