To envy women who found good male partners?

It’s luck - and balance. The ideal is a boring good man who’ll never stray and worship you forever, but you obviously don’t want anyone too boring because you’ll find certain character traits appealing, eg being artistic, humorous, chatty, inventive. You’re unlikely to find them in a boring good man. You need someone a bit more individual who’s also good.

But then, some of that interestingness might lead him astray, as it did my ex. We were perfect for each other and had a great marriage - ok financially, settled, nice house, time and money to go out or on holiday. Perfect. But that very perfectness was what made him look elsewhere. All the nice things we had emotionally were “boring”. Love - boring because lust is better; nice house - boring because it was too settled; children - boring, they’d tied him down; spending time with me - boring, in his head he was still an interesting, arty student and wanted to live that way. So he went off and left me. If I’d chosen someone more boring then I guess that wouldn’t have happened - but would I have been bored then?

I also don’t agree with the nerd thing. A friend married a nerd, after making him over like described above. He was great. But gradually he changed and hankered after more experience, both sexual (he was a virgin when he met her too) and life experience. For myself, my nerd, who I thought was a shy, socially awkward but kind nerdy guy turned out to be a raving narcissist (look up covert narcissist).

So, it’s just luck and managing to find someone the right balance of boring/interesting. OP, looks have very little to do with it - they honestly don’t.

I think luck has a lot to do with it, also when your young you may be more interested in fun than long-term.
I was an introvert and never saw myself as pretty (had braces on my teeth until I left school). I met my husband through my brother and he was a real slow burn as far as romance went. The women at work took the mick because he was the sort who was into traction engines, steam trains etc. Forty years on nearly thirty six married we're still together. We don't live in each others pockets, we have differences which we acknowledge and cope with but he has always been supportive and encouraging. In short he just makes my life easier. Amazing dad and excellent grandad.

In general. I think all the high quality eligible people (both male and female) get locked into solid, functional long term relationships by their early 30s at the latest.

The thing is, people have different expectations and tolerances.

What/who do you think your ideal partner is op?

I’m only 5ft 2 and was put off by anyone 5ft 8 or under! Definitely awful of me. Don’t know what sort of queen I thought I was 🤣

Yes but… with any kind of generalised envy I think it’s always worth checking some specific examples. Of people you know well enough to know what their partner and relationship is really like, including the flaws, would you honestly want exactly what they have - that partner and relationship and general situation? For me the answer is usually no.

Remember life has twists and turns,
i believe bf/DP (mid 40s) is one of the good ones.
if his wife hadn’t sadly died, i believe they would have stayed married,

so what I’m saying is, sometimes the good ones do become available!

DP also has lovely friend whose wife has met someone else and left him after 25yrs together. when he’s ready I believe he’ll be another good one unexpectedly available,

Yes I think a lot of women would rather marry a tall arsehole than a lovely short man I really do.

I'm only 5 foot myself so obviously was extremely unlikely to date someone shorter (not that I cared about that). My tall friends were always annoyed if a tall man fancied me and not them!

A complete vote against nerds here. Thought DH would never cheat and would appreciate being with me as he was never popular and had only had one girlfriend who ended up ghosting him. Turned out he spent 25 years trying to sleep with other people to try to patch up his low self esteem. Another friend had a similar experience - but with prostitutes - with her nerdy husband who you'd never have thought would cheat.

I like to think that he’s lucky he found me too. But I know what you’re saying and for my kids it scares me the amount of luck involved.

Aside from ‘good ones’, do we think too many women hold out for traditionally good looking, tall men? And don’t give the men outside of that enough notice?

I know I didn’t when I was dating in my 20s. I found short men off-putting for sure. I look back and shake my head at my younger self.

You need to remember that there are often issues in relationships beneath what outsiders see.

A friend of mine, her DH seems so amazing and lovely and kind. But actually, he can be REALLY controlling and angry, and mean with money.

My ex appeared quite the charmer on the outside, but behind closed doors he was super jealous which became exhausting. After I ended it, I wanted to scream when people kept saying "but he seemed so nice..." ARGH.

I'm married to a man who was a friend for 2.5 years before we started dating. It's not the most romantic marriage, and although good looking, I wouldn't say we had initial physical attraction, but we rarely argue, we have a laugh together, we work well as a team, he's funny, and in general it's a really relaxing marriage. We're also both really independent so it doesn't feel claustrophobic.

I think it must be hard being single sometimes (I'm on my way there). But honestly watching the man I married 15 years ago become unrecognisable has been one of the worst things.
I've embarrassingly begged and clasped on to the end, hoping he'd give counselling a try. Unfortunately he decided to give a colleague a try instead.

I guess my point is, is that it's hard to find someone who meets your requirements at one point in life but then to maintain that connection for a lifetime is a whole other ball game entirely. I genuinely think most marriages end up marriages of convenience by time 50/60s roll around.

My work colleague had this approach too, when she was dating at 38yrs old. She was super upfront with what she was looking for and would leave first dates immediately if they weren’t on the same page. She’s been very happily married for 12 years. Her husband is younger than her.

I was really lucky to meet a good man, I was 28 and he was 39 when we met. He’d never been married but had had a couple of serious relationships. Been married for 34 years. We were not able to have children, but you can”t have everything! I would rather not have his children than have the children of any other man on the planet.

YANBU. One of the most consequential decisions that one can make in life is choosing a good partner.

I also think the term ‘good’ partner is very subjective.

for some people it will be about being provided for, either financially or by being taken care of in the home.

for some people it be will about sharing humour, intellect, weathering a storm with a shared spirit.

for some it’s shared life goals and aspirations, mutual family/parenting goals.

For some it’s about being the apple of someone’s eye, being completely faithful and never having an interest in anyone outside the relationship.

for some, it’s all of the above.

I've been married a long time to a good and kind man. I would say that you are looking at it as the grass is greener. Relationships go through a lot of up and downs and it's not always a bed of roses, it can be a lot of hard work, tolerance and compromise. Family life, bereavement, work stress etc can all derail even a good relationship.

I don't think being beautiful matters particularly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all! I think what is attractive is someone who's comfortable with who they are and happy in their own life generally. Take the pressure to meet someone off yourself and do things that you enjoy for you! If you are busy and active, join some hobby or exercise groups, get out and about, you're more likely to meet someone like-minded.

Very few people get everything out of life that they had hoped for

This, 100%
I've had everything I wanted from life, other than a good, long term partner. It won't happen now as I'm 55 and actively not looking!

I do wonder why it never happened for me. I'm not beautiful either but plenty of "average" women manage to meet a good guy. But then plenty of beautiful women don't manage to meet a good guy! I can think of a few beautiful, famous women off the top of my head, that have been unlucky in love. So it's nothing to do with looks really.

I just focus on everything I do have. I find peace and contentment in knowing I will never be cheated on again. I will never have to worry about a man being moody or annoyed around me or with me! Never have to listen to a guy snoring. I could go on but you get the picture! I savour the peace, both literally and the peace of mind.

I found a very good husband, OP, 20 years ago.
However, being single was and will always be the best for me.

I understand what you’re saying op, but I’m also aware that a lot of people protect their privacy and don’t share the down times in a relationship.

I think it’s very taboo in our culture now to be ambitious about relationships. It’s all about fate and connection and love, and having a focused strategy is considered manipulative/unpleasant.

What is the man/partner you want? Who do they want to be with? In real terms. If you want someone safe, dependable, traditional, are they having relationships with homely, traditional, maternal type women? Then break that down in to attributes that you have or can obtain.

If you want a driven, successful man, what women do they go for? Attractive, elegant, cultured? Make that your persona. No one is ugly, only short of funds/lacking in confidence.

I had a pretty decent dh1 we're still friends. Dh2 is fantastic and I met him when i was 40 with 2 school age dcs. He has one adult dc. Mine are grown too now. I'm good looking though so that helped. I know it shouldn't but it does. I know plenty of less attractive women with decent men but plenty with ones who i wouldn't trust as far as I could throw them,whether the women are lookers onot. The men seem so nice and genuine but a few have messaged me being flirty. I know if I'd encouraged it they would cheat. A lot of men are cheaters. Ruled by their dicks with huge egos. No doubt they message others.

Another vote for nerds. I have a hard working, loving, funny, creative, kind and loyal man that most woman wouldn’t even glance at. But I’m lucky apparently. So many friends wouldn’t give a man a chance unless they can tick if a list of attributes then complain that they’re alone. Two of my friends married after meeting at my house. He’s 4 inches shorter than her. They were reluctant to date because of it but now married with two DC.