Marrying a woman behind my parents back

Across, but what if your son had good reason to think you would disown him?

I think it would be morally wrong of you to accept the financial support of your parents in order to be able to save for a secret new life you know they will be upset by. If you want to be free to pursue the life you want, good for you, but do it on your own nickel.

I think you are currently too young and immature to get married to anyone.

I think the rush to marry primarily because it's what your your partner wants is evidence of your immaturity.

I think the fixity of your thinking about most of the detail of this plan is further evidence of your immaturity, i.e you won't move out, you won't rent, you have an advance plan in place in the event of marital breakdown without any apparent understanding that that is not how such things are decided.

I think it's ironic that your thinking is so fixed when your key problem with your parents is your belief that their thinking about you and your sexual orientation is fixed.

As a parent of adult children, I can tell you that we can handle just about any unexpected and even unwanted revelations, but what is harder to row back from is secrets, lies and deliberate divisiveness.

Tell them or don't tell them, but don't use them. And don't get married.

You would be unreasonable to not get married because of their archaic views and it's 100% up to you who you have in attendance. They've made themselves more than clear than they wouldn't be accepting of it so why invite them?

I do think the sooner you get out of their house, the better.

Oneday, I can see what you mean, but is being a brat really comparable to sticking yo beliefs out of narrow mindedness that are hurting the person you brought into the world? At least your relationship, I'm assuming straight, wasn't seen as sinful by default

Attelina, it's not just her sex life, it's the person she wants to spend her life with.

You can either tell them what's happening and tell them they either deal with it or they don't see you anymore.

Or, you can do what many women did decades ago, and live as "housemates". Tell your parents you're moving out for independence, with a friend. Keep the marriage secret.

I would opt for number 1. But I can understand that you may prefer to live a lie rather than lose your parents. It's a tough call.

Just chuck your parents into deep end.

Make decisions which are best for you.

They know you are Lesbian
Plan your wedding
Invite them

Parents can make their own decisions.

You only need to do what’s best for you.

YouLilacCat, if it's ok to ask, what is your culture?

Oneday, being angry at your parents for wanting to disown you for your sexuality isn't 'pontificating on your rights'. The parents haven't been v kind at all to the child they brought into the world...
But I agree the OP should move out.

You can’t (shouldn’t IMO) marry anybody without living with them first. That’s mad! I got married at 22 and all good. But we’d lived together for 4 years beforehand.

@LateAF = no one in the family is homophobic although I can only speak for myself for certain. We welcomed his 'lodger/friend' when they visited. It was bleeding obv they were a couple. He gradually started distancing himself then broke all contact. Found out through someone else that he got married. As I said, there is more to this but it's 'personal' to him.

Apples, I think w this strict types of culture, this needs to be modified a bit. Someone like OP, or someone in the same culture who is straight & wants a bf, would by your thinking have to hold of all dating until they move out. In the current climate, many are stuck at home for years.
But I agree in op's case she should move out.

It is hypocritical of you to be hiding this from your parents/planning on marrying in secret whilst benefitting from their home because you don’t want to ‘uproot your life’.

Not if you are worried about emotional backlash.

Taking advantage of the financial security and living accommodation which is why you say you won't live with your gf seems off to me. Presumably you are expecting your patents to support you in buying a flat - if not financially then with advice. Then your gf moves in, gets married and owns half your flat? Bonkers. Your patents would feel conned by their own dd.

Do you work? Best to move out to a house share first, see if you like living independently with no family around and managing the bills, washing, cleaning, going out and staying in.

Be prepared to be cut out. But to pretend you love them and care for them whilst only there because it's comfortable doesn't sound to me as if you're really committed to your gf.

Ps. When you get married it's not always a lifetime fairy tale of love and security, a cloak of protection etc. Will you provide this to your partner? You expect a lot from your beloved, whom you do not live with, share mundane times with.

Sunrise, lots of gay couples in previous times had to hide their relationships from their family. Many were decent people who hated lying,but they wanted to have a relationship & yet keep their family. There's much less prejudice now, but it's still v painful to lose your family, even if they treat you badly.

This is by far the most logical, simplest and most mature thing to do.

I get a lot of the people here feeling the OP is disrespecting her parents by not telling them. & there are definite flaws in what she's suggesting, it seems naive at best..
But as to not telling parents, if posters here knew their dps would almost certainly reject them bc of unreasonable prejudice against their dh, would you tell them? Assuming you weren't living w parents. There's the need for honesty, but there's also the desire to keep your family, even if they're bigoted. Would all posters here sacrifice family for honesty?

It would be a very bad idea to marry someone who was "ok" about going along with such a level of deceit and dishonesty.

People who behave in such a way in one situation invariably are also happy to do so in others.

Did you talk positively about other gay people you know in front of him - i.e. "I went to Pete and John's wedding last weekend - it was beautiful ect..."?

Why did he think your family were homophobic? Surely it's fairly easy to openly signal you're not homophobic without forcing him to out himself?

You should move out into your own place. Continue the relationship with your girlfriend. Then consider marrying.
What you are wanting to do is ridiculous and will end up in disaster.

Secretly marrying while still living with her family doesn’t sound very safe to me.

Another thing is that long distance relationships can be much more common for lesbian or bi women due to the smaller dating pool (I think this is more US though). Bit there are def pitfalls to this. Be sensible op.

If you wanted to keep to tradition you’d be marrying a man, I think maybe tradition needs to take a back seat over the practicalities. I honestly wouldn’t recommend you secretly marrying your girlfriend while still living at home it’s just wrong in lots of levels. Move out and then get married. You move out you have more power and control over your choices.

It doesn't sound like you are in the financial position or ideal situation to get married.

Firstly, you should not hide your marriage from your parents while living under their roof. Regardless of their views that is completely and utterly disrespectful. Wait until you are no longer financially dependent on them to do that.

Secondly, you plan to put a deposit down on a house but you haven't yet. Why not do that first before making the decision to get married? That way, you still have your independence and some stability should things go wrong with the marriage or with either of your families finding out about your secret relationship.