AIBU to turn a blind eye or this borderline neglect?

If this were my friend, I’d definitely be passing judgement. Neglecting her children but finding time for a new relationship and weekends away. I’d find it hard to like this person tbh. Those poor kids, dirty, cat shit on the floor and no interest at all in their education. Yes, I would be reporting the situation to school/SS. Thank goodness her son gets a bit of respite with a bath and getting some normal family life. I was a bit neglected as a child but nothing on this scale.

I mean OP come on. I think there is a touch of the internalised misogyny going on here. Neither father being involved is something they could have pursued if they wanted to, they haven't, that is on them.

You do sound like a kind person though, I don't think it's kind to let her struggle on and see the DS neglected so I think you are doing the right thing.

Bloody shameful on those two men though. Disgraceful.

No there really aren’t “plenty” of foster and adoptive placements. Foster placements are as rare as hens teeth and children do not get adopted because someone, somewhere else can give him a better life. That isn’t how it works.

This sounds really tough. I would be concerned about both friends mental wellbeing and the children.
Surprised with low school attendance that their isn't additional support already.......
Maybe see if you can get your friend to see a GP - she maybe quite overwhelmed and struggling. Then possibly safeguarding lead at school.
Great that you are doing what you can for the son.

Lovely, so some other feckless crap parent that our taxes are supporting.
Poor child - have a word with the school and even SS. He can do much better than her. Plenty of lovely potential foster/adoptive parents out there.

It is neglect OP.

Put the needs of these kids above your friendship and report to social services.

best thing would be to tell the school
hopefully they will be tactful

I would be concerned. Talk to the school about your concerns and let them deal with. Then support her as much as you can.

PP’s would be horrified at the circumstances and situations that some children live in. Neglect by failing to meet basic needs.

Drugs, alcohol abuse, children sofa surfing around communities, men and women in the same community with numerous children to numerous different men and women. Mother missing all night (found comatosed in a field), bare houses, sadly I could go on.

Parenting education much needed.

She isn’t coping and, from her comment about just being about to clean up, she knows she isn’t coping. She’s stuck and I think it will be difficult for you to help because there’s a lot going on. However it turns out, your quiet and accepting support will be invaluable. Perhaps just gently help with one thing at a time. Above all be accepting of her as she is.

I would hope school already aware, but please report anyway.
Low attendance should mean that school have some kind of attendance plan due to safeguarding.

It's not necessary to pass any judgement on your friend to recognise that her children's needs are not being met. They are being neglected.

Sometimes it makes it easier to say to yourself, "and I don't need to know the reason(s) why" or "and it doesn't have to be somebody's fault".

You seem to view escalating this as being the same thing as passing some kind of judgement on your friend. But it's not. Her children need you now to intervene. Report your concerns.

It's neglect but I do find on Mumsnet that posters underestimate social service's threshold for involvement. As @HarlieJae says this wouldn't be enough to trigger social services involvement where I work. By all means report but be prepared nothing may happen.

The best thing you can do is continue to be there for this boy, lots of playdates, take him out on trips if you're able to do that.

As others have said, safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility and this definitely sounds like neglect. School will probably be building a picture and anyone can add to that even if “just a friend”. Likely to result in early help rather than anything more but still important

If you're not sure, talk to the NSPCC.

@octobero oh I see, I understand your concerns fully and agree with why others have said then. You're doing the right thing by the children (and your friend!) if you mention this to the school or SS

It is your place to contact help. Your information may be the missing piece in a puzzle that triggers significant help for the family. As a teacher, if I knew what you have written about a pupil’s situation and didn’t report it, I would be breaking the law. Please make a phone call or send an email.

School will be picking up the low attendance and should be finding out more to support attendance at school .

The Department for Education have ramped up the pressure again on schools and the LA from September. Expectations and scrutiny are high. Data is automatically returned to LA’s and the DfE.

This child is flagged as severely persistently absent.

A dirty child who doesn't do his homework wouldn't meet the threshold for social care. The school will be offering early help through LA services but at this stage this is optional support which your friend can refuse.
However, overtime, not engaging with attendance plans, early help support etc, continues to raise the red flag.

I'm not sure as her friend that you are going to gain anything by reporting (unless the school is very poor). They will know he is absent, not doing homework, is dirty. They will be recording this under very tight safeguarding procedures.

I would continue to be her friend, offer support and continue supporting her child when you can.

I would report to school safeguarding officer or ss. It's too low threshold for ss but could lead to a early help referral plus being 'seen' may give her a kick up the bum