AIBU to turn a blind eye or this borderline neglect?

The needs of your disorganised friend and the continuation of your friendship are trumped by the needs of your her children.

Now you know what is happening in her home, you have a human requirement to protect those children from neglect.

You need to tell her face to face that her parenting is inadequate and the evidence that tells you this, then you need to make her step up. This might include some of her hobby and dating energy being channelled into her own children. This is a shit task that you have to do, but you are the only voice these children have right now.

If you tell the school, they will refer social services, who will put this kind of borderline neglect at the bottom of their priority list, as they're snowed under with very serious neglect. So yes, do tell the school, but if you genuinely care for these small humans, you will also have to do your duty as a human.

OP, school will listen to you. I'm a teacher. We can only record what we see at school. You have seen the home environment. It might be the piece of the puzzle that gets them both some help.

Sorry, pressed send too soon.

... demonstrate that children growing up in a well-funded and nurturing care system with consistent and well-qualified staff caring for them in small homes, not moved around endlessly and provided with stability and decent opportunities can have the same outcomes as those growing up with normal families, despite their disadvantages in early life. The critical things are removing them as soon as issues become apparent and supporting them properly afterwards. Not doing so is a political choice.

So there's a balance to be made with wanting to impose certain expectations and 'standards' on everyone, and realising those expectations may not be realistic in wanting to impose on everyone, group, society or culture

The standard of "not neglecting your child and letting them be unwashed and live in a filthy house with animal excrement on the floor" should be imposed on everyone. If they find that unrealistic then the state should remove them. It doesn't because this isn't a priority for voters whose own children do not live like this and the children involved have no vote. That doesn't make it ok. Studies from other countries (e.g. Denmark) dem

That's really not ok. You need to make some changes to make sure you're doing the best for your DC.

I don't judge her over the level of involvement the fathers of the children have with their kids.

But that doesn't change the fact that she is neglecting them. That's her responsibility. Whether it's because she is struggling, has MH issues, or is simply just a bad person makes no difference at all - the kids are still being neglected, and it should still be reported.

Social services help usually results in a positive change for the children, or at best doesn't help. It's unusual for it to make things worse.

Don't be ridiculous. There are zero potential adopters for an 8 year old and there is a national shortage of foster carers. We don't have any alternative for this kid better than his grubby, fairly neglectful mother. And as for taxes supporting her - how much do you think foster care costs the taxpayer??

How is she with her own appearance?
If she has recently got into a new relationship and is going out and having weekends away does she put effort into herself?
Do you know who takes care of her kids when she’s doing this?

Assuming she’s not brought her new partner home? 😳
Leaving cat shit on the floor indoors (or even outdoors 🥴), old dirty dishes in the sink, not giving a shit about cleaning your kids or caring about their schooling; yet gadding about socialising and having weekends away is a massive red flag and I’d definitely report with no conscience.
She clearly doesn’t have one.
Poor kids 🥺

👏

Baffled at some of the responses on here. The kid is being neglected.

That is a pointlessly hostile comment. Without this information OP could gave expected endless snippy posts “where is the dad? Or “oh the dads are different, well you can’t expect the older kid’s dad to care about the younger kid” etc…etc…

Hi Op, you are clearly concerned and in a difficult situation. I'm sure the school are aware of the situation and ss may already will be on the radar.
I wouldn't speak to school but perhaps an anonymous communication to ss?
No easy answer and I have had similar experience myself

This isn’t good you should arrange your life so you have time to keep your daughter clean

Inaccurate and unfair. OP was just stating facts and the point of the post isn't reflected in your response

Almost everything about this woman's behaviour is worthy of judgement. It is worrying that you think otherwise.

They won't speak to you but they will listen to you.

Right. But what I specifically posted was about contacting the NSPCC. It's their own line for adults to report concerns. If you go to the page there is lots of information about different types of abuse etc. They are very much saying if you have concerns, call them. Maybe the idea is that they offer advice regarding what does or doesn't need reporting to CPSS? I don't know. But it is a useful place for information.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/report/

There is a lot about adult ADHD just now and this sounds a bit like it - neglecting housework, distraction from what you were about to do. She sounds like she needs help but maybe not reported to SS. Probably school is aware of some things due to low attendance but you risk losing the friendship if report to SS. Could you ask to speak to younger boy's teacher confidentially?

Yes, this is neglectful and she's a terrible mother, but I'm not sure what can really be achieved.

It's not serious enough that the children will be removed from her care and social services involvement often ends up doing more harm than good, especially if the parent getting the "help" is resistant to it and ends up isolating the child further.

Lots of interventions will be in place or soon will be through the poor attendance alone. I’m sure your friend is contacted regularly about that and called in for meetings etc.

The school will already be concerned if the child is turning up grubby, homework not done and definitely if their attendance is as low as 75%. You should still report your concerns.

School will already know most of this so I wouldn't report it personally.

Do they wear appropriate clothes for the weather? Do they have shoes that fit them? Do they get taken to the dentist or to the doctor when ill? Are they well fed? Is any of what's going on putting them at risk of being physically harmed?

An untidy house where the dishes haven't been done is not a big deal. The cat poo is horrible but sounds like a one off incident. The rest the school will already be aware of.

Do you think she could be depressed? Sometimes when you're in a dark place you don't often see it until your out of it. It sounds to me as though she is struggling to cope with being a single Mum. It is alot on your own and if you don't keep on top of things it's so easy for things to get out of hand.
We have been through something similar with a family member recently and turns out they've been silently struggling with depression since lockdown 😞

You need to talk to your friend. You can say nothing and do nothing. You can report to ss and that will be the end of your friendship or you can talk to her.
The school will have seen he is grubby. They will know he is absent often. They will know his homework isn't done. None of these things will be enough to warrant any social care involvement in my experience.

I’m shocked at your response. How can you run out of time to make sure your child goes to school clean? I work in school and it is our job to make a report if children come into school dirty from the previous day, unwashed hair, dirty fingernails etc. keeping children clean is a basic need. Yes of course they go out and play and get filthy, this is normal, but letting them go to school dirty is not.
yesterday a child told me they did not want to share a book with their partner, because their hands were dirty. Kids can be cruel, and yes, even very young kids notice things.
As for not bothering with the homework, you are teaching your child that they don’t need to follow expectations. Poor show !