Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

When you are with your small child, losing yourself in motherhood is precisely what you do - it is what you are programmed to do - it is how the human race survives - it is fine. Just do it and ignore the criticisms.

Absolutely let this not be an attack on the child free. They are not dickheads. 🙄 Your cherished DC are boring to other people.

This is a bit like a man who says his wife has "changed" since she had a baby, because the attention is no longer 100% on him.

People without children won't understand how much it changes your life and priorities of course.

However, do you bring your child to absolutely everything, and if so do you have a choice not to? If this is a good friend worth the time maybe you can find a balance. Let's be real, someone else's 2 yr old isn't much fun as a plus one!

Absolutely this. Good post from @MrsBennetsPoorNerves.

I rarely meet my friends with my children, except the ones I know through the children and even then we often meet without the children. Every now with my long term friends and we will do a day time meet up and bring the kids along, one of my child free friends is an amazing ‘Aunty’ and the kids loving playing with her but for a proper catch up it needs to be child free.

Aside from not being able to take your eye off them, one thing I remember from baby/toddler days is that I lost the art of conversation. I was in a stay at home bubble, fine in mother and baby groups, but I had nothing to talk about to anyone else. Didn't know what was happening at work, didn't want to think about clothes or makeup, had no clue about local gossip. But I knew all there was to know about child development. And Corrie.
I was bored and boring until I went back to work and rejoined the grownups.

Let's not make this thread into a load of nasty generalisations about childfree people. You might have been a dickhead before you had children, but that certainly isn't true of all childfree people.

When dd was little, my closest friend was childfree (and incidentally still is many years later). She was absolutely wonderful with dd, incredibly supportive of me, both practically and emotionally, and totally understanding of the fact that my life had changed.

At the same time, I recognised that she still had her own life and stuff that was important to her, and I continued to take an interest in this and to talk about stuff other than dd, because I realised that, frankly, much as she was fond of my dd, her life didn't revolve around her in the same way that mine did.

I think it's impossible to say whether your friend was being unreasonable or not tbh. She might have been totally clueless and unrealistic about the amount of time and attention that a toddler needs. She might have been trying to tell you that she's worried about you because she feels like you're so wrapped up in caring for your toddler that you aren't looking after yourself properly. Or she might have been saying that she's feeling neglected and that she'd like to talk about something other than your toddler from time to time. Rather than get defensive about it, I would try to reflect on whether or not she might have a valid point. If she does, then be grateful for the feedback and make some changes. If she doesn't, see if you can see her alone without your dc in future or consider phasing her out if you think you no longer have enough in common.

This is why you need mum friends with same age kids. Absolute life saver.. Get net working!

Meet up with her when you're child-free and talk about something other than parenthood. I'm guessing you're not showing much interest in her life.

Agreed. If I was meeting friends, particularly child free friends, I'd go without my children.
I felt it wasn't fair for our meeting to be dominated by my kids. It's very boring for the friends!

Is is really hard talking to someone whose attention is always flickering to a toddler or adult with high needs. It’s also hard for you. I’d just see her without your toddler, even if that means you see her less often for a couple of years and be self aware about whether you drone on about him even when he’s not there. Your friend will care a bit about your son because she cares about you but he is not endlessly fascinating to her and they have nothing in common, because he’s two. She’ll probably ask how he is but your answer shouldn’t be much longer than your answer would be if she asks about your partner.

Other mum friends will be more interested and tolerant because it’s their world too. Just like a bunch of newly qualified and employed City tax accountants; nobody else wants to hear it or really understands even if they are happy for you that you’ve got this going on.

Were you a dickhead until you had a child? I know loads of childfree people who are absolutely fantastic people to spend time with

As a child free person I have to say I find it highly annoying that a certain friend of mine will bring her child to absolutely everything we do.

she has a partner and a very supportive mum however she does it out of choice and it completely changes the atmosphere and tone of the get together.

she’s not present, engaged or really enjoying herself and I leave everytime wondering why I bother.

yes you’re a mother but you’re also your own individual person. Don’t neglect your friendships or individual self.

just ignore her
she is ignorant
if she has children one day she will change her attitude

Or maybe she doesn't give a shit what MN considers "unreasonable". Honestly. Not everyone lives and dies by what some internet randoms on here think. There's a massive difference between a 2 year old who just turned 2 and one who is about to be 3. It's not "intense" to make the distinction.

She’ll come back with some apology whenever she has her own!

Do you see your friends without toddler?

How rude. But totally classic of a child free person.
Ignore her, she would NEVER have said that if she had her own child. If she was a true friend with your best interests at heart she would graciously support you in each phase of life. Even if this phase means she gets less attention while your child is really young.
Of course your child is all consuming that's part and parcel of being a parent. Don't let anyone make you feel shit about being attentive to your child. Children are not pets. Tell her that next time but I'd honestly question whether you need friends like that.

Do you ever see her without your toddler being there? If you have a partner, does he look after the child so you get time just as yourself? Have you gone back to work, hobbies etc?

It is impossible to know from your post whether your friend is just rude and unwilling to share your attention, or whether there is a grain of truth in what she says. I do know people who became boringly child obsessed when they had children, although most of us don't.

She sure is. However she isn't being a good friend if she reframes her personal preference as a fundamental flaw on the part of OP by making deeply personal and insulting remarks about the way she handles being a mother.

Maybe she was just being a bit clumsy with her words and was trying to be supportive. Probably not though!

Interesting that you state your child is 2.3 years old. Generally MN considers it unreasonable to specify months or fractions of years after age 2! So perhaps you are a bit more intense a mum than most.

This is probably her badly worded way of saying that she wants to see you without your child, so she can actually talk to you.

It is impossible to have a proper conversation with toddlers around. It's just a fact.

If you value her as a friend then organise to go out for an evening with her and spend some adult time together.

OP is there a wider context here? Are you back at work? Did you have a career before? Is your friend saying this out of concern? There are many reasons why this might come up in conversation. Yes our DC become the most important thing but there are other things that we also need to take care of.

But also did you arrange to meet her without your DC then bring them anyway?

Your friend simply doesn't understand that if you take your eye off a toddler for even a second, they will land themselves in hot water.

Don't be hurt by her comments, she just hasn't experienced it yet.

Maybe see her when your ds is with his dad.

See her without your toddler if possible. Neither of you are wrong.