Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean they are not a person in their own right so a person can be a parent and an obsessive bore, but to someone who hasn't had children just the fact that people even look like their friend considering having a child they will assume everything child related is boring

But you know what is what with them but the world doesn't stop if someone has a child

I think I have lost myself in motherhood.

I take it a day at a time.

Child free people are not dickheads just because they take a different path that means they don’t have to understand babies and toddlers.

How often do your bring your child? Maybe they just want to see you and have no interest in tailoring the meet up to a toddler and a preoccupied mum.

I have a friend who will talk to me for a little while and then literally as soon as I start talking she'll pick her (happy, not upset) baby u and start talking to her/playing with her and completely blanks what I'm saying. I do find it incredibly rude. There's ways of being distracted by a toddler where you can still listen and participate in a conversation

That’s how it’s meant to be! Your kids are now your priority. I’d be blunt and put that to her. If she can’t accept that’s part and parcel of your life now sadly that’s probably it for the friendship now.

I see this as 2 issues.

You have a toddler of course your attention is always going to be on them. That can be solved by only seeing her without the child. If that’s, basically, what she meant she was unkind.

But when she said ‘lost yourself to motherhood’ she as she talking in a wider sense? As in you refuse to not take your toddler anywhere, even if you have the option to not take them. If you see her alone, do you only talk about your child, do you talk about other things, ask her about her life. Do you assume that everyone is as in love with your child as you are?

If that’s the case, she may not have phrased it in the best way. But maybe it’s really impacting your friendship. If you are like that and you are happy and don’t want to change maybe the friendship has run its course.

Friendships do change. People change. And sometimes those changes mean we are no longer compatible with people we were compatible with before.

Your friend is entitled to meet up with you without your toddler commandeering the whole event and your attention constantly elsewhere. Why even bother meeting up if it’s difficult to have an adult conversation and you’re absorbed in monitoring your toddler?

Equally, you deserve time with your friend alone too. Every mum deserves a break and some adult only company and conversation. It’s part of staying sane.

Your post reads slightly of ‘she just doesn’t understand’ and that’s fair enough, but why would she and why should she understand? She doesn’t have children, obviously through choice or otherwise, so acting like she should bend to accommodate you and your toddler just because you chose different and chose to have a child is wrong.

There is a happy compromise here.

I wouldn’t see the point in meeting up if I was just observing you parenting. It’s really difficult to have a conversation with someone who is not focusing.

God, some of the posts on this thread are vile.

Don't do this.

Take your toddler over to their home and make sure that when you arrive you tell your friend that you are going to ensure that you will focus entirely on your friend as requested. Let your toddler go entirely batshit rampant in their home, while you studiously ask your friend if they’re okay with every wince when they turn their head to try and see what has smashed or why your kid is laughing maniacally. Ask if they have something in their eye when the contents of their designer handbag are strewn on their whitewashed oak table and their high-end makeup is used as fingerpaint. Suggest that maybe they shouldn’t leave their medications around like that. It’s a good thing you’re not judgmental. Anyone would think she’d changed since she started taking them.
**This will never happen but it’s so nice to fantasize

I have been on both sides of this and i think it can be a bit of an unbridgeable gulf.

Childless people don’t tend to have much understanding of how all encompassing it is looking after a toddler. Sometimes they can lack empathy for the mums perspective.

But to see it from their perspective hanging out with a dear friend who can’t talk about anything other than their children for more than a minute is unbelievably dull and frustrating.

i think she was tactless and unkind to say though as there’s nothing you can do about it.

I think it gets easier over time. Toddlers are very labour intensive and demanding. You will probably find that gulf closes a bit.

OP- I think people’s relationships change when they have children. My best friend has young kids and I don’t. I rarely see her without kids in tow and it has changed our relationship to a certain extent. We have different priorities and our lives have taken different paths. I think the young age bracket is hard, because your focus does have to be on the child (for safety/keep them entertained etc). Can you arrange to meet your friend without your little one from time to time?

It can actually be quite hard for childfree people to watch their friendships change in situations like this.

You DO need to make sure you prioritise yourself sometimes.
HOWEVER
She's either going to find out the hard way that, that's life and it's both normal and essential that you do prioritise your child.

If she does have kids she will 100% do the same thing.
If she doesn't accept this as normal and doesn't have kids it's her who will need to find new friends.

It's typical for friendship to dissolve between those who have children and those who don't because you find yourself in different life stages at the same time.

Equally you will find new friends in line with that who are in a similar position.

A lot of the issue is about losing the common shared ground you had within the friendship.

No one is right or wrong here. It's just the way it is.

She is the one who ultimately has to accept it or move on though because you can't just drop your child to go out to play with your friends anymore.

You may have been one, but don’t tar us all with your brush!

I am sick to death of the bashing that childless/childfree people get.

I have a child and I still find it annoying when other people bring their small children to non-child based activities. Even when DS was a baby, I wanted to have normal conversations about politics or current affairs or other people's news. I have friends who always insist that we plan things around their children even when it's totally inappropriate and expect plans to change to accommodate their children. They all have husbands/partners at home.

When kids are little they are an extension of you. It is much easier to focus on a friend when out with your toddler if they are prepared to engage with the toddler too and really difficult if they're not. They don't have to be interested in the kid but if they are interested in you they will appreciate that it is your responsibility to focus on the kid and that's how they reach you! For a little while anyway.

That's not to say it's not nice to go out without them but you should do that if you want to not because a friend throws a strop about it. Friends don't have a right to your attention, but your kids do.

Ha you do lose yourself, ignore .
i’m just finding myself after many many many MANY years

Speak for yourself!

Do you ever see her without the toddler?

Quite normal although most would think it and not verbalise I suspect. Both sides of the debate equally valid here. Just don't take toddlerwhen meeting up with her if you want to remain friends. This is one of the reasons why friendships change over time.

Oooo look more childfree bashing. I’m childfree and have been nothing but supportive to those with children. We aren’t all ‘dickheads’ we just don’t lose ourselves in motherhood and work hard to maintain friendships with those who have. Neither is wrong.

Op while what she said was clunky she probably just misses her friend and time just the two of you. Can you meet up without your child on occasion?

Find a way to socialise with her without your child. You’re not wrong that you need to pay attention to a toddler at all times. She’s not wrong that that’s pretty boring for whoever you are with.

It’s unlike that, though, unless the man is a dickhead, because the child is also his child. The OP’s toddler is not her friend’s.