Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

@narns

Most of my closest friends have children. I didn't understand it until I was in it. I'd give your friend some grace, if she ever has children, she'll understand it all.

I’m sorry I find this really patronising. What if she doesn’t want or can’t have children? Or does but doesn’t want her whole life to be subsumed into motherhood?

Some of these posts are implying that the friend needs to be brought around to the inevitably of basing their life around children and childcare as if this is somehow the correct way to live and others are just pretending to be living good lives. But that doesn’t make sense for a lot of us.

A large number of people won’t have children. Of those who do, many won’t want to be defined by being a parent. I’m a parent (and very happily so) but I have never wanted to “disappear into motherhood”. While it’s natural that this takes a lot of your time and energy particularly with young children, I don’t think it’s normal or healthy for your entire identity to revolve around being a parent.

The intense period of parenting is a surprisingly short part of a woman’s life. Why would you want to throw away everything which existed about you from before that time. You will need it back at some point. Women who throw the kitchen sink at being a mother to the exclusion of everything else often wake up in middle age feeling lonely, frustrated and bored.

Its not just good manners to remember that other people’s lives don’t revolve around your children. Its self protection.

I’m more focused on my children than several mum friends I know and a couple have gently tried to tell me I might be happier if I relaxed a bit. I’m not sure i can. When I’m with my kids they are my focus. I do like child free time though and try to have a mix of both. I wouldn’t want to see a child free friend with my kids. I think you do you. Your friend is expressing things a bit clumsily, is what she actually wants a bit more focus herself? Up to you if you want to prioritise her

Does she have a point? Are you making the effort to see her on her own, without your child?

My child is an adult by now but I have friends who still have little ones. I see them with their children very occasionally but most times, they find childcare so that we can talk. If they always had the children with them, I would not bother meeting them. My time is precious and I have no interest in having a conversation with a toddler

I think it’s simple. Plan catch ups child- free some of the time, talk about your child/motherhood a little, keep the conversation 50-50.
I am a mother and I find talking about children and motherhood or giving attention to a toddler boring.
For most people out of the toddler phase they don’t want to catch up with others in it. As you just can’t talk and catch up properly

But people on this post ARE calling the childfree things like this. You say you didn't mean it. But plenty of others do. People have said in non jokey ways on this thread that the childfree are unsupportive, thick, stupid etc.
Let's face it, no one in any aspect of life can truly understand another aspect of life they have zero experience in. That includes parenthood obviously. But it also includes infertility, cancer, chronic illness, spouse death, absolutely anything. Everyone can only ever be as supportive as they can be. But yet for some reason it only seems to be the childfree that gets called names like this. I don't call parents thick because they don't know how to "support" me as an infertile person.

Maybe you were shit, but to generalise this to everyone else is ridiculous. My childfree friends are not like this at all. They're fab (as are my friends with children)

Jesus Christ, unclench!
It was a lighthearted post not a fucking proclamation.

Yes in terms of appreciating how different life is with kids. I thought I was amazingly supportive and understanding when I was childfree but when you experience it yourself you realise you didn’t have a fucking clue.

OP is entitled to want friends who like spending time with her child as well

Ha ha haaaaaa good luck with that. If I'm meeting a friend and I'm bringing DC, yes it will always be a friend with DC who is bringing their own. So that the DC can play together, and we can have an actual grown up conversation. If I'm meeting a friend who doesn't have DC, I'm going alone, because why on earth would they want to have a conversation with me which is constantly interrupted? And if I'm meeting a friend and leaving the DC behind, do I want them to bring their DC? Fuck no. I like my friends' DC, they're good kids, I care about them, but of course I don't actively want to spend time with them, and they don't want to spend time with me, they want to spend it with DC their own age or their parents.

Madness to take a toddler along when meeting a friend without DC. And yes, people whose only topic and interest is their DC are really, really boring.

exactly. with examples like that and @gannett 's friend it's hilarious that people can say, straight faced, that child free people are the ones who are selfish/incapable of understanding/unempathetic/close minded/dickheads/thick - to quote some of the lovely comments on this thread!

this.
I was one of the later ones in my friend group to have kids. Perfectly fine with meeting up with them with kids in tow.

But there was a definite split, between those who would leave their kids to play while we were in the same room keeping an eye. We'd say 'Ooh that's nice,' if child wanted to show us something and if they fell over and started crying friend broke off the conversation to go tend to them - all completely fine. But otherwise left child to play and we talked about anything - might touch on how child was doing but also our parents, our other friends, holidays, work, tv, what was going on in my life, etc.

Then there were those who sat with child on their lap, wouldn't get through a single sentence without breaking it off half way to play/fuss with child, and wouldn't talk about anything else. Even if child fell asleep or we went out without them they would still monologue about toilet training, nursery, sleep schedules...things that are boring as fuck to people without kids (and tbh quite often very boring about other kids even if you do have your own).

Finding the second annoying, boring, selfish, and a bit depressing, doesn't make someone a "dickhead" "ignorant" or "rude" as some up thread have charmingly suggested.

I wouldn't take being "lost in motherhood" as an insult tbh. I'm absolutely lost in it, it's exactly where I want to be, and where I think I should be! It's wonderful. My DD is 17 months and I'm pregnant again so I'm not coming out of the fog any time soon 😂

I do make an effort to see my friends without DD but sometimes they actively ask to see her. They are interested in her and she's a very easy baby/toddler.

Most of my closest friends have children. I didn't understand it until I was in it. I'd give your friend some grace, if she ever has children, she'll understand it all.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother

She’s saying you’re a bore. And be honest, you probably are. We all are.

Or we are when we have our toddlers with us and we’re with our childfree friends who knew us before our attention spans were required for our small children.

Just see your friend when you don’t have your child with you.

If you aren’t into kids - or at least, not yet - other people’s children are dull and annoying a lot of the time. But when they are your children, they are amazing and funny and loveable.

This isn't the point OP's making though, is it?

She's not saying she wants her friend to be enamoured with her kid, she's saying she can't ignore her kid while her friend is there - which she can't!

All she can do is not meet her friend with the kid but that's not everyone can do that very often.

And free (for the time being).
😝

She sounds quite immature, to be honest.

When/if she has kids she'll understand.

It's ridiculous to expect you to ignore a toddler so 'friend' can have more attention.

I wouldn't take ownership of this. Of course you have to watch your toddler! I would say ' if you are finding difficult we can meet just the two of us'

It's her issue and it's not something you can do differently other than meeting without your child.

OP meant 2 years and 3 months. And yeah, that is intense.

I suspect your friend is right, based on you saying your toddler is 2,3 years old.

Or “ high end make up”. How dare she.

Well if you ignore you friend like you do a thread you created I kind of see her point

@daliesque

So many stereotypes 🙄. Some posters are utter twats.

The “designer handbags” thing is particularly ugly. Nasty little jab at working women there. God forbid a woman earn enough to buy herself a designer handbag. The shame.

You can’t expect her to understand what it’s like having a child when she doesn’t have any. She doesn’t have to be like this- that’s on her- but I think this is an example of when friends’ lives are at different stages/ different choices have been made. She is being very close minded, or thick, not to consider how having a child changes you and your life. I was last of my friends to have children. Their kids were always welcome for day trips, shopping, lunch etc. When I had no kids, it was still obvious how difficult it is to wrangle a toddler!

Could she just be concerned that you don’t have any time to be you outside of being a mum?

I thought it meant 2 years 3 months…