Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

Sometimes the only reply to that is bye then.

@Jifmicroliquid

It’s difficult. I met my friend last week and was trying to have a conversation with her, but every minute or so her DD4 would interrupt us to talk to her mum. My friend would break the conversation off to speak to her.

Thats inevitable. Small children interrupt their parents all the time because they have not yet learned that the world doesn’t have to revolve around their every demand. Up to a point you can’t prevent that.

But you do have control over how you respond to it.

No one begrudges a parent the fact their small child wants their attention. If you are being as respectful as you can to that child free person visiting you that will be understood and appreciated.

If you are spending time with a parent of small children and they interrupt every utterance from you with an Inane observation about what their child is doing all the time it rapidly makes you feel bored, overlooked and resentful.

Just because you are a parent doesn’t mean you are expected to have had a lobotomy and lost all your social skills.

Your friend doesn't realise what it's like.
Some things you can only understand and appreciate after having gone through them...

There's a difference between having to keep an eye on your toddler etc, and completely ignoring your friend and interrupting conversation to interact with your toddler for no good reason.

The latter bugged me hugely when I was child-free, so when I had my own, I was careful not make my friends feel second best by cutting them off when they were mid sentence to say 'nice drawing dear' or 'oh, I see you have a brick, it's red. That's a red brick'

My children also learned fairly early how to gain my attention without interrupting (the hand on the arm method) unless it was a safety issue.

So maybe you've just been making your friend feel surplus to requirements, or she doesn't feel that you're ever truly listening to her.

Exactly. Which is why I would always choose quality over quantity.
Mum friend: "so how's your new job?"
Friend: "yes it's OK. Not really what I was expecting though because...."
Child: "Mummy! Look at this doll!!"
Mum friend: "oh yes look at it's hair! Be careful you don't hurt it though. Sorry friend go on."
Friend: "yes so the first day they asked me...."
Child: "Mummy I think it's hair is funny look at it!!"
Mum friend: "oh yes that is funny isn't it! Show it to friend how funny it is! Sorry about that friend. She always finds these things funny! Nursery tell me all the time how funny she is! Oh and last week we were out....."
Etc. And the childfree friend never gets to finish what she was saying and it's all forgotten about in a flurry of interruptions and mum stories.
I don't think regular meet ups like that are in any way nurturing friendships if that's the only way they happen. You need quality time together to actually discuss other things. Obviously occasionally it's fine. And unless someone is a horrible person most people will happily meet friends with children sometimes. But you need a balance.

Does your toddler really have to join you on these meet ups? It can’t be enjoyable for you, the toddler or your friend.

Thank you. It taught me not to be such a bloody pushover and I have much nicer friends now!

I have 3 kids and I still find it highly annoying when friends make no effort to sustain conversation when kids are around.

Don't get me wrong, mine interrupt incessantly but I tell them to wait while I finish my conversation with my friend. Sometimes it works.

I do think it's important that you keep some quality to your friendships. If you can't do that with toddler in tow, then meet without the child in the evening.

There’s a lot of projection in this thread (from both the child free and the parents) but I don’t think there’s enough information in the OP about how often you meet this friend and in what circumstances to offer any helpful commentary on who is being unreasonable.

Do you only ever meet with your child at your request, and then spend all that time talking about that child on a regular basis? Yeah, you’re being annoying.

Do you meet in a variety of circumstances and she literally just cannot cope occasionally sharing attention with one of the most important humans in your life? Yeah, she kind of sucks.

It’s probably somewhere in between though!

I couldn't be friends with someone like that really. I had twins at 22 and most of my friends stuck by and understood that they were a part of me now. So many of them are still close to my daughters even 15 years later, as well as the children I had afterwards. They have children themselves now so it is different but you need to choose the right friends.

It’s difficult. I met my friend last week and was trying to have a conversation with her, but every minute or so her DD4 would interrupt us to talk to her mum. My friend would break the conversation off to speak to her.
Its fine because her daughter is only young, but it does make it hard to have a conversation and you do end up feeling like there not much point talking because the flow of the conversation just doesn’t happen.

@fitzwilliamdarcy

thats shocking! I can’t believe none of your friends came to see after surgery due to the weekend being “family time”!! You deserve better 💐

@MummyJ36

quality over quantity!

I personally would rather see them less for both our sakes… for me no toddler in tow would be better as it would for most people and for her she would no doubt enjoy it more too without the need to wrangle toddler, she can relax and let her down and just be herself without needing to be in mum mode too!

I think I'd rather quality over quantity for any reason not just because someone is a parent.
If a friend said to me you can either see me daily for a 10 min walk or once a week for a 3 hour nice dinner I'd choose that.
I used to have a friend that wanted to see me all the time. She hated being alone. So we'd often pop to a coffee shop and after 10 mins she'd be on her phone. If I ever mentioned the fact we weren't speaking she'd say well what else is there to talk about? If I ever didn't see her for a few weeks or so we'd have a great chat and a catch up.

I also feel by your comment that you're implying that it's a way to make the friend feel guilty. (I could be wrong and I'm sorry if so). But by saying well it's either regular with my kids or hardly ever without them it gives a guilt trip vibe.
If a really busy working friend said to me you can either see me regularly but I'll be on the phone about work most of the time or once a month for a nice dinner when I won't be I'd choose the once a month. Whether the reason you can't actually talk is due to kids or work or anything else it doesn't matter. The point is if you're not really getting to talk to your friend at all what's the point in seeing them? Sitting in a soft play not talking isn't a requirement to be a good friend. Just being physically present isn't the be all and end all of being friends. You do need quality time as well.

As a childfree dickhead myself I think she's probably wondering why you're bothering to meet with her, if it seems all of your attention is on your toddler. I expect a lot of attention to need to be on friends small kids, because they are tiny lunatics, but once it tips to the point you wonder why you're even there then you start to question the friendship. Obviously your kids become the centre of your world but it's tough to realise you aren't even on the periphery if it any more.
Could her suggestion that you are 'lost' in motherhood because coming from a good place? One of my friends acknowledged that about herself. She'd completely lost her sense of self identity and took steps to remember who she was beyond just her kids' mum.

Hear hear.

Except at some point you will want to be around people whose lives don’t revolve around children.

Ask if they’d rather see you regularly with your child or once every few months without because that is the reality for most parents, you simply don’t have the time to see friends in the way you did pre kids.

Does she have a point? Do you see her without DC in tow? Do you talk about things that are going on in her life and that aren't to do with DC?

Of course you're going to have less time and focus, particularly in the toddler times. And if DC is physically there then will need your attention.

Maybe your friend is being rude and can't handle not being the centre of your attention. But maybe she isn't and is expressing her feelings that she misses you and could do with you being a friend to her.

I found some people a bit lost in motherhood even when I was a mother of young children!

It's a difficult stage, I would try to go out without the kids, if you have that option.

I don't mind my friends going on about their kids now mine are older, but a friend of mine hates it because it's a bit boring.

Even just having children of different ages can cause tension.

My childfree friends are all nice people though, that's what my friends are, we don't have to have all shared experiences to be friends.

@Fraaahnces

also you’re assuming that the friend would sit there tearfully whilst the toddler trashed her house….yeah, not that is pure fantasy Hun!

@Fraaahnces

yeah only do this if you want to have no friends and no social life Op!

Stuff like this is why I don’t bother having mum friends anymore. You can tell when someone is literally fantasising about enacting revenge on you because they’re angry that this is now their life and not yours.

I tried really hard with my new mum friends - I even met up in soft plays. I was flexible and understanding and showed interest in percentiles and baby-led weaning. Spent ££££ on gifts and showed up, basically. Then the one time I needed support after emergency surgery that nearly killed me, when I could’ve done with just one visit and a chat, they all said that weekends were “precious family time” and during the week they were too busy. Not one of them came.

I don’t doubt there are childless/free people who act like inconsiderate twats but some parents have a baby and then decide that it’s fair for the friendship to only serve them from that point onwards.

Why not just leave your child with their dad, or your parents or his parents or whoever, and enjoy some child free time with your friends - let your hair down OP! @Whattheeff8767

It is boring being around people who are so focused on their children and talk about them non- stop. It is selfish and rude.

For those that ‘love’ being lost in it, find other friends that are also lost in it and talk to them endlessly about your children.

I don’t think it’s necessarily because the friend is child free that she thinks that.

I have a child and have a friend who I think has entirely lost herself to being a mum. It does happen.