Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

That’s you—and congratulations to you. I barely remember who I was before kids. I’m just stating my own experience. Sorry if you find it depressing but for me it is reality.

Your friend is rude and ignorant if she actually said that to you bluntly
It's part of motherhood that your priorities change, not a character flaw!
Is it possible to meet up without your DC or change when you meet your friend?
Do you have " Mum friends" who are a better fit for you at this stage

I'm child free by choice and have never once been a dickhead towards my friends with kids, you speak for yourself.

Honestly it's difficult for us to say without being there.

I had two under two and generally met up with other friends with similar age kids and we'd shoo the toddlers off to play together and we'd could talk then.

I had a friend who had a baby much later than I did and she definitely used to absorb herself in every element of her DS when she was with him.

Sitting reading stories to him etc I guess expecting me to watch her?

I didn't like it much because I couldn't see the point of us getting together unless she thought maybe I was there to be the audience for her parenting?

Brilliant post! I feel I can leave the building. Nailed it.

"It's a good thing you're not judgemental." Well you appear to very judgemental to the OP's poor friend whose only crime appears to be not having a child. Why would you want to punish someone you don't even know for a choice you made?You made the choice to have a child so it's up to you to suck it up and not berate those who have taken a different path.

@Whattheeff8767 You're not doing anything wrong and what your friend said is not necessarily mean.

As women, we often lose ourselves when we become mothers. Our whole life, conversation and everything else becomes centred around motherhood and that's not always a good thing. You are a woman, mother, friend, daughter etc, and it's sometimes a good thing to have someone who is brave and kind enough to remind us of that.

I remember my sister and I going shopping/lunch one weekend as my mother had our children. When we sat down to eat my sister asked me what I'd bought for myself - absolutely nothing, but I'd bought plenty of stuff. She'd also bought nothing for herself. Everything in the bags were for the kids.

If you spend some time on MN you'll see women saying they can't find time to shower, go for a 15 minute walk, read a book etc. No-one else has that problem but us.

Have a think about it and see if there's anything to what she's said. There may be some truth in it. And a good friend should be able to tell you uncomfortable truths sometimes.

Oh dear... Sorry you had a friend 'like this' but the OP's friend may never have a child. About 20% of the population don't. Sounds like you want to punish the poor woman for voicing her (acceptable) opinion. I think the poster who advised seeing the friend without the child present got it right.

I'm another one who finds the concept of being totally absorbed my motherhood very odd and no reflective of my own experiences at all. I am exactly the same person as I was before having DS. Yes, it's changed my life in that, for example, I now have to get up at 7am on a Saturday when DS gets up but it's changed nothing fundamental about me. DS' needs are a priority but not necessarily his wants.

100% what @MrsBennetsPoorNerves said - word perfect!

Not a nice thing to say.
It is definitely not a compliment.
When I had children with me it was hard to fully concentrate on a conversation at time.
Do you see here one on one?
Be careful of spending time with anyone who tries to make you feel less than.
Motherhood does change people, how could it not?

No one can understand how life changing or completely absorbing motherhood is for most people. I certainly didn’t until I had my own.

Have grown up nights out with said friend instead.

I have never understood the phrase of loosing yourself once a parent.

My priority obviously changed once I became a mum, as it should do, my life also changed to embrace and accommodate our child, but I didn't loose anything, I just gained elements to myself.

I still see my friends and go out, I see them child free and sometimes with my child. I have also added new friends who we do things with the kids most of the time.

We have family members who have opted to stay child free as they don't want the commitment and responsibility of a child, but they do understand that our kids are now a big part of our life, as they quite rightly should be.

It's not so much the regularity, it's the assumption that the parents life and needs are so much more important than the childfree person. That's selfish and self absorbed and I don't want people like that in my life. In fact after the car crash of a coffee out with my so called friend and her toddler when I was recovering from a course of chemo, I decided not to bother with any of that particular group of friends with children again as they were all similar.

I decided then to find friends with adult or no children and now have a lovely and mutually supportive group of friends. The ones with the Yong children tried to come back into my life but I'd moved on and had no time or energy for them. That's what happens to women who build their lives around their children and have no time for others. Do I care thoigh? Do I buggery.

Why though? It’s realistic. I see my friends once every month or so on my own, I make that “adult” time for them (whether they have kids or not themselves) and we always enjoy ourselves. Pre kids I could do that every weekend. But I can’t now. I don’t why being honest about what you can offer is a bad thing. If friends wanted to see me more regularly I’d need to bring one of both of my kids along.

Good to hear!
who wants to entirely lose themselves?! Doesn’t sound like much fun

It is rude but not "totally classic of a childfree person". Unless you were like this before kids?

The person I was before becoming a mother has never gone and never will.

@Thefirstdance

i guess it’s ok to accept the ‘new you’ if that’s a you that isn’t completely consumed by your child and who has interests, passions, hobbies, life etc outside of your child and motherhood. Because if not it’s really not healthy!

Can you arrange to meet child free. I don't have kids but many of my friends do, mostly when we socialise it's child free and it's much more enjoyable for the both of us, they are more themselves and relaxed, I'm happy with occasional meet ups where their kids are involved but it's not as enjoyable in comparison. I think the phrasing that you have "lost yourself" seems harsh though

@Thefirstdance

I’m a mother, I always will be one. The person I was before is long gone. That’s life. Everything is constantly changing and to try and stop it changing is impossible.

I couldn’t disagree more with this. I am also a mother. The idea that the person I was before becoming a mother is “long gone” depresses the hell out of me.

I am a person with an identity beyond being a mother. Being a mother is very central to my life. But it doesn’t define me.

I'm can see how this might have felt a bit hurtful but if she is a good friend who cares about you and has said this then maybe it is worth pausing and thinking about the balance for your own wellbeing. Are you getting enough rest and a break from all the hard work that being a parent brings? Are you still able to get in a headspace where you can talk about and think about things other than your life as a mum? Maintaining friendships is so important for your own sanity. So often it's mum's friendships that take a hit during this period. Have a think and rebalance only if you think you need to. Perhaps she is missing the non-mum version of you, this isn't a bad thing.

I’m a mother, I always will be one. The person I was before is long gone

Seriously? That's incredibly unhealthy.

I'm a mother too. But it's not stopped me having the same interests, hobbies, friends and attitudes to life that I always had. Which is just as well, because now that my adult children are independent, my life would be an empty shell if I'd lost myself to motherhood.

It’s a bit hard not to keep your focus on a two year old😅 Ask your friend to babysit for a while and she might get the idea😅

Some(a small proportion I’m sure) childless people are completely clueless about how much motherhood changes a person. I had no idea myself until I had DS. To comment on it is a bit rude. She could simply offer to take you out somewhere nice of an evening when your toddler is in bed and looked after by OH/sitter. That way she can get all the attention she wants.
You are not too absorbed. You are dedicated to raising your child to the best of your ability. Your life is very different now and always will be. There is no question of ‘getting yourself back’ in my opinion. You are yourself now. Your life has just changed beyond all recognition.

I’m a mother, I always will be one. The person I was before is long gone. That’s life. Everything is constantly changing and to try and stop it changing is impossible.