Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

The OP’s friends.

I have two types of mum friends - those that have maintained an identity outside of parenthood and those that have been enveloped by it.

For example recently we had a couple of families over for lunch with kids ranging from 2-4. We ate, drank wine, talked about life outside children (like work and house renovations) and also played with the children.

As a contrast, I also have friends who have left weddings to put their kids to bed because they’ve never not done it even though they were safely being looked after by grandparents.

Who are? Childless people?

Ditch them, they’re horrible people! Honestly.

Yes it was quite satisfying watching bil attempt (unsuccessfully) control his wilful two year old after several years of patronising comments

@Midlifecrisisxamillion neither were they! 😉

You're not a friend.

Tbh I have a couple of friends with no kids, I can't WAIT for them to have kids so I can see them in the trenches to see if they still think "why would it be so hard?"

You seem classically offended, unless you can relate and i’ve hit a nerve?

prior to having children I had the benefit of being oldest of 7 siblings. By 10 years at least. So no, I’ve never been “like this before kids” as I practically had them around me my whole life so knew how all-consuming they are. So yes, people who didn’t grow up around lots of younger siblings and family do often come out with rubbish unfounded notions on parenting.

Yes it seems we are shallow, immature and cold. Or is it that some people were like that before they had children and only having a child changed them for the better?

The “I am by a mother it defines me the old me is gone” posters are I imagine parents of under 8s? Because I can assure you the intensity wears off and you damn well want to go back to doing things for yourself again.

Life is all a series of stages the baby /toddler / primary stage passes on. So nurture those friendships you will need them. I see the women that don’t and have made their whole personalty and character “mummy”. The DC WILL leave - that is guaranteed.

You sound absolutely pathetic, are you sure you're not the toddler? Grow up.

Your comment suggests the childless lack so many character traits.

Did you miraculously stop becoming a dickhead when you had a child as your comment suggests otherwise.

As OP hasn;t come back, we will never know if she can see her friend without her toddler, at least occasionally.

it is absolutely impossible to have a conversation with a friend when you have a toddler

No it isn't

@Whattheeff8767 Have you ever had any coffee/dinner out)/takeaway nights in (after child has gone to bed) with your friend in 2.3 years? Or do you always bring child with you to everyone - even when the child's dad is at home for example.

Context is needed here..it is absolutely impossible to have a conversation with a friend when you have a toddler..maybe she is asking for some child free time with her friend?

But if you have done and have had a balanced friendship then yes she needs to understand that the times you have toddler, you need to be focussed on them for their safety and attention.

It isn't easy navigating friendships when one of your lives has changed massively. I had a friend similar then when they had kids they realised...

WTH. We are programmed to prioritise the tiny vulnerable children we bring into the world, it’s entirely natural and doesn’t last forever.

It is a truly wonderful thing the love and enjoyment of motherhood will only add to a persons character. It adds depth, maturity and warmth in many cases.

i probably wouldn’t enjoy my friendship with this person, and would look to pull back and spend time with people that didn’t place expectations on me at this point. I would find this too much like hard work.

Of course a small child needs to be watched and they're very demanding of their DM's attention so if your friend is CF why not meet less often when you have childcare? As someone whose CF I can only offer this to explain how your friend feels imagine going out to lunch with two friends, the two of them chat together all through lunch but hardly speak to you,nearly every time you speak they talk over you wouldn't you feel left out/annoyed/as if you would have been better not bothering? If it happened every time you met you'd stop going. People will say a child is different but it's not when it's not your child

I think I’m pretty much the same as before I had DS, if I think about it. Motherhood certainly hasn’t rebooted my personality or anything.

@Thefirstdance

That’s you—and congratulations to you. I barely remember who I was before kids. I’m just stating my own experience. Sorry if you find it depressing but for me it is reality.

But respectfully you know this is a choice, right? I know having small kids is overwhelming. But it doesn’t go on forever and you haven’t signed a contract saying you will remove all traces of yourself in perpetuity?

You can have a life beyond being a mother.

I'm not sure what OP you've read, but the OP here has not said that her friend has demanded to see her alone. Friend has simply said that OP has lost herself in motherhood.

It's posters on this thread who've suggested that OP see the friend without the children.

People saying ‘just see her without your toddler’ - well, yeah, maybe if she’s your #1 priority friend, but for most people, if someone demands to see you without your child for 2-4 hours, then they’re asking for 100% of your child-free time that week. Even in a couple, if you work all week or your partner works while you do childcare, then at the weekend you have a day as a family and swap in on the other day, then it’s half a day a week max to yourself. That’s if you’re lucky enough to have a partner who does their share. And sometimes when that happens you don’t want to be out, you want to kick back with a book or some TV or whatever at home.
People who haven’t bothered spending time around small children or finding out how time- and attention-consuming they are, especially at 2, are wilfully ignorant and should not be going around making comments to others about their parenting. Spell it out to this woman how many hours a week you actually get without your child, how much paid babysitters are per hour, and what could happen if you take your eye off a two year old in a public place, then ask her exactly what she’d like you to sacrifice to achieve her ideal.

Are you one of my friends talking about me 😂😂

I didn't lose anything, I just gained elements to myself.

That. I might not have had as much time for the things that made me 'me', but they didn't disappear. Motherhood brought me growth (huge growth) not diminishment.