Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

YANBU. I’m ashamed to admit that until January I was this friend. I used to go out with friends and their kids but really struggled with the screams and cries they’d let out. Everything changed when we got temporary custody of my grandson when he was 3 weeks old. I’m now the friend with the baby while all my friends kids are in nursery and school. Things will change when she has her own kids and then she’ll feel the way you do now

Some child free friends don't get it. I would ask her why she was rude and I would have child free days with her.

Nope, having a child doesn’t suddenly make you not a dickhead. Your post proves this perfectly well. 👏

@LuckySantangelo35 Thank you for the sympathy. I was a great sleeper before kids, so I do think it started with them. Specifically, after giving birth the first time, I was in hospital for a week and I did not sleep at all(not even a nap) in that time. Once home I was unable to ‘sleep when baby sleeps’ to catch up in the day after the constant broken nights. Upon return to work I was a shift worker, so that didn’t help, but kids were the trigger definitely. Also they caused anxiety I never had before. I thought newborn DH was going to die and kept having to check he was breathing. Obviously I don’t still act that way now DS is 16, but I’m very anxious about what the future holds for him and DD. I didn’t worry about the future before kids.

Wanting someone you are out with to pay you some attention once in a while isn't exactly "wanting to be the centre of attention" is it? You're the one lacking in empathy if you genuinely believe that to be the case.

You're doing nothing wrong. Don't take it personal, your friend is obviously lacking in empathy and common sense if she can't understand a toddler needs a parents full attention. Sounds like she doesn't like it when she isn't centre of attention.

@Thefirstdance

im sorry to hear about your sleep problems…it’s unusual to have insomnia to such an extent…do you think your sleep issues could have happened regardless of whether or not you became a parent?

@Thefirstdance

im sorry to hear about your sleep problems…it’s unusual to have insomnia to such an extent…do you think your sleep issues could have happened regardless of whether or not you became a parent?

@Whattheeff8767 it can be really hard for childless/childfree folks and parents to remain friends IME. The same when your kids are different ages and stages. Dynamics do necessarily change - and there can be struggles to empathise on both sides. I think I can see both sides because I was the first in my friend circle to have kids - mine are older teens and most of my friends have primary/early secondary age DC, so I've been in your shoes, but now seeing it from the other side with having older DC who are more independent and friends who are still in the baby/toddler trenches. Our small friend group had a bit of friction recently with a friend who had her first baby at 40 and honestly is acting like she's the first person in the world to have one. It has caused friction when we've agreed an adult only meet up and she's brought the baby without letting us know she couldn't get childcare or checking if it's ok, and we have had to have a gentle word. If that's something you've been doing OP, saying you'll meet her without your child and then bringing them along last minute, then I understand why your friend feels frustrated.

It is important to have adult time if friendships between parents and non-parents, or indeed parents whose kids are at very different ages and stages. Your friend probably misses having time with you that isn't constantly interrupted by a toddler. If you can find some opportunity to do that, it might help the friendship. I don't know whether you have any childcare options, so it might have to mean she comes over when your toddler is in bed for a chat and a glass of wine round the kitchen table.

Those without kids often don't understand the magnitude of the shift that happens when you become responsible for a tiny human. And parents sometimes can become a bit self involved, and dare I say a bit superior or patronising towards childfree and childless friends. And don't always appreciate that your baby/toddler/kiddo is the most fascinating thing in the world to you, but not necessarily to others.

It's not unreasonable that your friends should take an interest in your children and your life as a parent, accept that some of the time your kid(s) will be around when you meet, and that this necessarily means you will have to attend to their needs first. And it sounds like your friend could have been a bit more diplomatic in how she put it to you. But it is unreasonable to expect that friends will always enjoy spending time around children and that your meetings are always entirely focused on them and not your adult friendship.

You just claimed a rude statement was "totally classic of childless people" which is an offensive statement which generalises a vast number of people. Now you're caveating it doesn't apply to you because, pre-children, you had siblings. Your points are reductive and I'm paying them no heed.

Thank you for your kindness 🙏🏻 . I didn’t want to derail the thread. I just wanted to make the point that for me personally, I have been changed forever by having children (and childless people naturally quite often don’t get that) because OP felt that her friend did not understand and wanted her to miraculously become who she was before kids.
My life is very different now and (for me personally) I cannot be the person I was before. I’m not saying other people can’t be their old selves.
I’m more anxious about everything now. I still struggle to sleep—even though my kids are now teenagers and sleep well into the afternoon if left undisturbed. The not sleeping has changed my life beyond all recognition. I was a keen runner, that was my main thing—but since kids I have had recurring injuries every time I run which means I have had to give it up.
I’m not ‘just a mother’ I get that I am my own person and I can have my own interests—I just don’t feel like the same person, or that I could ever get that other pre kids person back.
It’s the sleep mainly I guess. I’m still exhausted all the time because of my insomnia. I’ve been to the doctor but I don’t want to take sleeping pills(highly addictive) and they won’t refer me to a sleep clinic unless I try pills first. I am seeing a counsellor on NHS to try and deal with the sleep.

I have children of my own and there was a difference between the mums whose children became part of their life and the mums who's whole lives changed and revolved around their children.

Maybe you are the latter? Nothing wrong with either approach.

@Thefirstdance

but surely it does change as they get older? As in they get more independent, develop their lives outside of their parents etc and so you have more time and energy for yourself and your own hobbies, interests, whatever made you tick pre-kids basically! Dont neglect yourself!

Yes I have a life beyond it—it’s just not the same life I had before. Yes it was my choice to have kids—but I can’t revert back to childless. My kids are my kids, no matter what age they are. I respect that it’s different for you. Please respect that my experience is different to yours.

@readingismycardio

There is of course generic advice that is thrown out, most people if you said "that doesn't work" and then you explain why, would go "oh ok" and stop offering that generic advice, in terms of the judgyness, it might just be that you have particularly obnoxious people in your life, as I don't know anyone like that, or rather, I wouldn't be friends with anyone like that.

I do however understand friends distancing themselves from friends with young children who do seem completely consumed by being a mother. The majority of my friends have babies/toddlers/young children, I have an interest in their kids, i like to hear about them, I occasionally like to do fun things with them, i am however invested in my friendship because I love my friends, I'm not that invested in their children, and it can be incredibly boring having conversations / activities dominated by someone else's kids. Majority of my friends just seem to have mastered the balance.

I understand that balance is harder to achieve when you have no childcare, children with additional needs/ challenges etc. But a friend isn't a bad person in need of a rude awakening if they have little interest in socialising with you if that social activity is going to revolve around your child. They don't need to be taught a lesson about the challenges of parenthood.

She is, but she should have been a lot more diplomatic and asked if they could see each other in the evening/without toddler. She didn't have to be all dramatic and make OP feel bad about herself.

I wonder how many of the parents of older children, who start threads about not having any friends, took the trouble to maintain their friendships with non-parents? Or whether they dismissed them as ignorant dickheads?

See her without your toddler.

I don't know what she meant by the comment, but there are differing levels of motherhood.

Most of my mum friends were like me - obviously loved our kids and enjoyed discussing their achievements or the funny things they did, and sometimes we met up to do toddler related activities. But we were all people in our right still, not just "a mum" and we also enjoyed child free meet ups and having normal grown up conversations that didn't revolve around kids, and possibly a glass of wine!

But one friend was incapable of not talking about her child. It was her sole topic of conversation. It was boring. In the end we just stopped mentioning the non-child meet-ups to her.

Have you accidentally fallen into this category?

Some of us are lone parents with no help. If my friends wanted to see me, it had to be with DS. Luckily mine were very understanding!

@ItsNeverAMannequin they're ttc

@wateringcanface or the "you sleep when the baby sleeps" advice from child free people. Honestly, it's weird and I never did it before I had my baby.

@wateringcanface absolutely having a child was my choice. I enjoyed my life before having a child, too. I visited most part of the world, I learned 4 languages (aside from my native language) and studied in two different countries.

When I had my baby it was very rough for a good few months, because he was a reflux baby and we had a lot of worries and concerns about his weight gain/eating patterns etc. These people I'm talking about are the type of people who say "you just take your baby everywhere", "why would you need a break?", "you just put the baby in the crib and he sleeps there" (hahaha!), all of this in a incredibly judgy voice. So yeah, I can't wait to see them how their life will look after.

So no - in short, I don't begrudge them living their life before kids, but I can't imagine how people can be so naive!

I kinda hope they choose to be childfree and continue living their best life.

Unnecessarily harsh. Maybe parents who take their kids on every friend date are the real dickheads. It really doesn’t need to be ‘them vs us’ by using shitty language.

So, you begrudge your friends enjoying their life before they have kids?

You know, for the most part, children are a choice, and if you view motherhood as being in the trenches and suffering, it just comes accross you made the wrong choice, which is your issue, not anyone else's.