Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

We are total grown-ups!

This. So much this: "Being a parent is hard. Not being a parent (whether choice or not) when everyone around you is a parent is also hard for different reasons".

Have a great day!

My DS is a similar age so I completely understand the not being able to take your eyes off them when out and they do need your attention. Your friend should understand what if you meet up with your DC then you absolutely can’t ignore them as toddlers get up to all sorts! Maybe friend is feeling a bit ignored? Can you see your friend without your toddler for a while? Do you not do that anyway? I have a close child-free friend and a close friend with a 3 year old. When we all arrange to meet for a catch up or coffee, we always make it clear beforehand if we’re bringing the kids or not. Sometime we all need some time away from the kids too! Child-free friend does enjoy seeing our DCs and so we have catch ups at soft play, play cafes or meet at someone’s house so the kids can run ragged. But we also set aside time where we meet without the kids for coffee, lunch, wine and a takeaway etc. Tbh, I need this time as well! I need time where I can focus on my friends and we can really enjoy each others company without having to keep one eye on the kids. Surely you can find a balance and you don’t need to take your child everywhere?

I was a lone parent. Either paid for a babysitter or had friends over once kids were in bed

Gosh what a civilised exchange we've had on Mumsnet @TiredTeaBag !

There's always things that we don't know from OPs. I guess in this situation we don't know if OP is a bit "little prince/princess" or expects her friend to be enthralled with her toddler, or whether it's just normal attending to a child when out and about type stuff. So hard to tell who is BU with only limited info.

As with all these kinds of situations communication is key isn't it. I know when mine were little I was careful to check out with my friends (who all either had DC later than me, or not at all) if they were ok with DC being there or would prefer to reschedule, as some were more "kid people" than others. I always tried to remember to apologise if DC issues/needs cut short or interrupted a meet up or phone call etc. Even if it couldn't be helped, I do think it goes a long way when that's acknowledged, and it's not just expected that a friend will just deal because you have DC and that's how it is, or be grateful for the scraps. Attitude is everything, and having the humility to acknowledge when we've been insensitive or too consumed in our own stuff to notice the impact on another person (applies to parents and non parents alike!)

Being a parent is hard. Not being a parent (whether choice or not) when everyone around you is a parent is also hard for different reasons.

Some friends just do become all consumed with their kids. I had a friend who said that she can't understand why people would want to spend time away from their kids (she had a baby at this point). Now onto the 2 year olds and the last time we got together she was getting annoyed at his behaviour in a coffee shop cos he was bored, couldn't talk to me etc. I joked and said now you see why I sometimes leave xxx (my child) with their dad so I can enjoy a child free lunch occasionally with friends (half the group don't have kids so I try to do balance of both as they also love my kids and want to see them so we do some child free things and some non child free things). But the passive comments when I had the 2 year told id left behind did irk me as if I don't love my child's company all.... The.... Time.... Was wrong. She is now a fair weather friend to me. I got sick of the perfect parent comments. So it does happen when people do become too consumed in motherhood.

Agree with you totally. I think at times I have had disconnects with friends who didn't realise what I had on my plate as a parent, and I was oblivious to what a bore I might have been, but the key is coming from a position of love, having good communication, and that lens of compassion.

I have gone back to the OP to see if I missed the point a bit, and I was interested in how what they actually said was "when I am with them and have my DS" rather than "I am only with them with my DS", and it occurs to me that frankly sometimes that is how it is when you first have kids, you become a package deal and eeking out a bit of adult 121 time gets tough.

She didn't say that was the case though, just that the friend has commented on how they are consumed when together with the child, and you can't just lob em in the corner and fully focus on martinis if you don't have a babysitter for the day.

Then we have a whole trail of angry people complaining about parents who think their kid is a little prince who everyone should be enthralled with! I get it, some people are awful, but that isn't actually what she said and she seems to have been tarred with a rather broad brush here. It feels a bit vitriolic, when as you say, empathy, acceptance and understanding are pretty key.

It cuts both ways exactly as you say. I remember going to a school reunion planning meeting with a babe in arms and feeling a real vibe from some attendees that I had the temerity to bring a boring infant to the discussion (I wasn't planning on bringing him to the actual event, which was shit because there is a reason why you lose touch with some people 😂). I definitely did lose empathy for the childless/unchilded/childfree friends at that meeting. I thought they were a bunch of dicks. Time moves on though, and I think they are (mostly) pretty awesome now. Some of them went on to have kids and some did not.

We just weren't aligned at the time.

Thanks CrazyGoatLady I really appreciate your perspective!

Meant to add... as my own children grew older I didn't like handing around with babies and toddlers either 🤣

She hasn't articulated her feelings very well. I had two under twos and most of my friends had children around that time. Apart from my sister. She was TTC and never could. She said those years were the most painful ever as she had a large group of friends and all they talked about wee their children. I'm in awe of how she handled it all as she had since become close to all of their offspring - holidaying with them and celebrating their birthdays etc.. I'm not sure I could have been that strong. It is natural to talk about your kids at that age and this is what I explained to her - it's all consuming at the time. I'd like to think I remained conscious of anyone I knew who was childless at the time though. I struggled to conceive and the people who insisted on enquiring about when we were having a baby, were the ones I could have never forgiven. So insensitive and ignorant.

I've said it before but I think we can criticise the trend for some parents to become all consumed by their DC to the point that they are like empty shells when then grow up without blaming individuals.

@TiredTeaBag

You're absolutely right, empathy and understanding and acceptance when life gets in the way are needed in friendships or they can't work. It sounds absolutely horrific for your friend whose child is dying, and that situation, or any situation with a sick child or other dependant, is of course one that requires a friend cutting extra slack or not expecting a great deal of availability.

I do find though that a lot of parents really lose empathy for their unchilded friends quite quickly and do implicitly see their own lives and commitments as more important. I think the issue is that in OP's case her friend is not really able to have any time with her and she's expressing frustration about that. If OP is allowed to be a bit "lost" and her friend needs to empathise, then OP needs to empathise with how her friend feels too. It cuts both ways.

I clicked out of curiosity. Oh my days. Toddzilla 🤣🤣🤣

😂

That is a quite spectacular leap you have made there!

I said my nest was empty, not that I was alone. I am not alone by any stretch of the imagination.

My network of friends all the way from school, uni, parenting days, work, volunteering and social activities has grown over time, I have an amazing squad, and it is this wonderful circle, many of whom now also have empty nests and totally get it, that I appreciate so much. So I am super lucky.

My point, that you missed completely, is that motherhood (as in the bit where you have small people in your life), is really rather short, so make the most of it because good friends totally understand when you are a little consumed.

I never said be a bad friend, I said permit yourself to be lost for a bit because it will be gone soon.

I am reminded of that very cheesy meme that reminds us that everyone is fighting a battle.... be kind.

One of my younger friends had her first child just a couple of years ago, and she is gloriously lost in it having thought she would never be a mother. I love that for her. Objectively one might call her a crap friend because right now she doesn't bring much to the table other than talk of snot, sleep programs and diarrhoea, but as a friend, I recognise that she has loads on and hasn't actually slept herself in a few years.

Another friend is watching her older child slowly die, its fucking horrible, and she simply has no capacity to be a friend, I hope she is utterly selfish, because all I can do for her is remind her that I am here when she wants me.

I have had 8 miscarriages, and one of my children was seriously ill for many years so I definitely had limited capacity to be a particularly good friend to anyone at the time - kind people and good friends understood, those people who were there before, during and after, they are my rocks, as I have been for them on occasions as well.

I have one friend whose children have turned out to be total shits, who has had a series of crappy relationships and now feels very alone, despite the reminders and actions from those of us that care to show that we are in her corner. She has attempted suicide three times, and frankly this comment "May you be a lesson to us all" gives me chills, because it is cruel and has the capacity to tip someone who actually does feel alone right over the edge.

My comment on here absolutely sought to be kind to the OP. We actually are all fighting our own battles, so I'm going into my day today reminding myself of that so that I can look on others with a lens that seeks to understand and be kind rather than being a total nob. (I also can be a bit of a nob at times).

A delivery of thank you flowers and chocolates from a distant friend I helped out last week reminds me that I am actually an OK friend right now, but I have learned that you cannot be all things to all people all the time.

I hope you are OK.

I agree with your post. Posters on this thread remind me of this thread where a woman brought her toddler and DP to the self catering cottage booked for a hen do

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/2998359-AIBU-You-dont-bring-a-toddler-to-a-hen-do

It's the superior inward head shaking at how this friend might not possibly want to spend her social time watching a parent constantly attend to their boring normal child walking miracle.

Having the decency to properly engage with another adult who's spending their equally important social time with you, should be the bare minimum to expect from a friend.

I like my kids. I'm not so self absorbed to think anyone who wants to see me should be thrilled I've brought DTwins. Funnily enough, other adults would get royally fucked off if they've given up their precious free time to see me, and I repeatedly turn it into them spending their morning watching me parent two 4yos who manage to argue about who's turn it is to cough.

I would be rude and ignorant to create this situation. Me. Not my friend for calling my behaviour out. It's basic manners.

Shame you didn't focus on your friendships
When your kids were little. Maybe you wouldn't be feeling so alone now your kids are grown up.

May you be a lesson to us all

@PixieLaLar true of some people but not all of us. My kids are high demand and that means I have no clue what’s going on when I’m with them. Agree I don’t take my kids to my lunch and dinner dates with friends, that’s not much fun for me either and would be boring as fuck for us all.

@saraclara it definitely doesn’t work when you take the kids along, I either go by myself or make it clear my kids will be there and that means the friend won’t have my undivided attention. Then they have a choice. I have had some friends I have had to leave behind because they just can’t accept that I have kids and that they will affect the time I have free and some of the conversation we have.

Actually I would say it’s very typical of people with children to think the world now automatically revolves around their offspring.

Yes supervise and attend to the child on a regular day to day basis, but don’t arrange a social catch up with a friend dragging said toddler along where they take away your entire focus.

It’s rude, entitled and quite frankly boring as fuck.

It's not supervising and attending to their children that's annoying. Or at least not where it's necessary. It's paying no attention to the person you've invited and constantly interrupting any attempt at conversation by engaging with your child for no reason at all.

Child free friend: "I'm really worried, because I've found a lump in..."
Annoying parent "oh Lucy, what a lovely tower you've made!"

I've actually been that child free friend in a similar situation. And on multiple occasions I'd wondered exactly why my friend had invited me, since she had absolutely no interest in my presence.

So when I had my own children, much as I adored them, i was at pains not to be that person with my friends.

Very typical of people without kids. They don’t get that you actually have to supervise and attend to your child. Maybe find some mum friends? Bit rude of her to be honest and I wouldn’t be best pleased.

First I say congratulations. As an old salior who was never there for a daughter cherish every moment with your baby. I've see a big chunk of the world which most won't. But ive never seen a little one take thier first steps. That's the choice I made. But when you get older ya kinda maybe wishfully think otherwise. So I've no advice just enjoy your little one now

I had my children late and it always annoyed me when my friends had the child with them when out with me…but I’d never would have said it to them. Those who could see me without their DC did, those who couldn’t I just had to deal with it and be happy I’m seeing the friend. It still annoys me when I’m out without my children and someone else brings theirs as I was hoping for and adult conversation.
maybe your friend made that comment because she doesn’t get to see you without your child?

Absolutely this. My closest friend group have been friends since starting secondary school and we're all in our early 30s now. We have supported each other through relocations, university, abusive relationships, weddings & children! We have at times all been on different paths. One of them had their first child when I was still at university and another has just started university now after having two children!

The point is, we have fallen back when other priorities have taken the lead in their lives, and we have welcomed them back on their terms when they were ready. We have accepted without criticism that our lives at times have taken us in different directions and our friendships have never suffered.

Oh dear. Your friends don't have conditions. They love and support you through early relationships, marriage, babies, and grief of family troubles and old parents and divorce and new relationships, redundancy, depression, menopause etc etc. If they have conditions to that friendship, they aren't your friends.

I'd give anything to be back lost in motherhood, even the shitty times.

I used to hate people who said "it goes too quick", and "you'll miss it". I used to think they had no grasp of everything I was going through, facetious twats.

I also had some friends who hadn't had kids when I did, and who were a bit judgy about how consumed I was.. a few years later their turn came and they realised.

Now though.... my nest is empty and I wish I could have even just five minutes back being lost in motherhood with wonderful little people.

They are wonderful adults now... but my advice to you is to stay lost as long as you can!

And if your friend doesn't respect that.

Bin 'em.